In love with a JW...

by CuriousUK 156 Replies latest social relationships

  • CuriousUK

    Hi all,

    Apologies if this has been discussed before, or is in the wrong forum, but I could really do with some advice. Two years ago I met the love of my life; someone I regard as my soulmate. He is an active JW and I am a practising Church of England person. At that time we let our feelings get the better of us, until he was reported and then subsequently reproved (nearly disfellowshipped) and we were unable to see each other again, or even talk to each other, which was heartbreaking, and difficult when living in the same small town.

    We worked in the same large company, but spent a lot of time deliberately having to avoid each other, but those times when we did see each other, it was evident that our feelings for each other had not gone away.

    He has been texting me a lot recently, and recently proposed, but only under the proviso that I convert to JW. He has been a Witness all his life and it is all he has known, so I understand why he finds it difficult to accept my religion, and I don't want him to be seen as a weak JW by dating me... it's just so difficult! I want to marry him so much, and have been doing a lot of reading into JW practices and beliefs, but currently am finding it so hard to make that adjustment. I feel like I would be making a mockery of his beliefs if I became a JW, because I don't think my heart would be entirely true.

    I just don't know what to do. I've agreed to do a Bible Study with an open mind, but I just wish we could be together as we are, with compromises on both sides.

    Advice gratefully received

  • leavingwt

    Please begin saving money to hire a divorce attorney. You're going to need one.

    All relationships end. You should seriously consider ending this one before it requires an attorney.

    Welcome to the forum.

    Required Reading: 'Combatting Cult Mind Control' by Steve Hassan

  • N.drew

    There are two things you should know about the religion of Jehovah's Witnesses. They teach they are NOT a religion because they say "religion is a snare and a racket". What they are is a congregation of people who are dedicated to GOD, that is what their baptism is suppose to mean.

    The other thing to know is men who are JW are encouraged (by scripture and the congregation) to reach out for oversight in the congregation. 1Timothy 3:1 If he does reach out and becomes one, you can forget your marriage. The congregation will be first. If he does not reach out some of the "flock" will think there is something wrong with you.

    If your love is real I suggest you pray that his eyes be opened and be patient.

  • finally awake
    finally awake

    You DO NOT want to become a JW. Believe me when I say that you are asking for a life of misery if you continue in this relationship. My husband and I were married for several years before we became JWs, and yet the borg managed to drive a wedge between us that took over 10 years to dismantle. You have no idea just how intrusive and controlling this religion is, you've only seen the tiniest sliver. Just think about the level of control the borg exercises over JWs if your boyfriend can't even speak to you at work. That doesn't get any better - it just gets worse after you become a JW.

  • Amelia Ashton
    Amelia Ashton

    A Jehovah's Witness's love is conditional. Already marriage is conditional on your submission to this cult.

  • wannabefree
  • Jim_TX

    Don't walk. Run!! Away from this fella.

    I speak from experience, as I was once that young fella, and you were the young lady whose life I screwed up. I regret that to this day.

    There are many people in life that you will find that you are compatible with. You just need to find someone who is willing to not put 'conditions' on your relationship. Perhaps you need to look outside your small town.

    Good Luck.


    Jim TX

  • DesirousOfChange

    I've agreed to do a Bible Study with an open mind,

    Studying with JWs will not teach you the Truth about JWs.

    It will only teach you what they want you to know.

    It will not be a BIBLE Study. It will be a WT publication study.

    So you won't really learn much about the Bible either.

    INSTEAD........Go grad yourself another cup of tea and spend a few hours reading posts here.

    Then go to and do some "studying".

    If and when you present what you have learned to your boyfriend, be prepared to hear that what you have learned is ALL LIES from a bunch of disgruntled JWs. (That's only 1/2 true. There are a bunch of disgruntled JWs here. For a reason.)

    Then get back to us.


  • NewChapter

    Welcome Curious! I'm so very glad you found us.

    This board is full of information, and if you go to the provided links, they will be helpful. So rather than repeat what you are going to read a million times, let me just say this:

    This man has told you that you are not good enough for him. Unless you are willing to CHANGE YOUR RELIGION, he would not consider marrying. Unless you are wiling to completely change your way of life, your associates, your entertainment, your VIEWS AND BELIEFS, he will not marry you.

    He's not asking you to change a little thing that most couples run into---like picking up your wet towels or rinsing your dishes, this guy is asking you to change your core person---or at least pretend that you have. This isn't even like a Catholic asking someone to convert---because that can be accomplished with very little upheaval in ones life. JW's are not just another religion---they will seek to control every aspect of your life, including your marriage bed and how you raise your children (not to join school activities, say pledge, celebrate bdays/holidays, and NOT to go to college, not to date etc.)

    So you need to ask yourself why you would be willing to change such an important part of yourself---for someone else. This does not bode well for any relationship you may be in, but especially for one attached to such a controlling religion.

    Baby's first birthday---have you imagined it? Forget it. Children opening gifts on Christmas morning, squealing and throwing their arms around your neck---is this part of your daydreams? Nope. And if you do it anyway, your children will be told they are doing something evil.

    Breaking up hurts---feelings last a long time---but love is never enough.


  • moshe

    This sincere boyfriend will become your biggest nightmare. Marrying a JW is almost as bad as marrying a heroin addict. Find an ex-JW support group and educate yourself, before you throw away 5 to 10 years or more of your life.

  • cantleave

    Please visit before committing to anything.

  • Quandry

    Read the experience right above this one from wezz. He became a JW to marry his love. He has a baby and is expecting another. It all unraveled because he finally did the research about JWs and no longer wants to be one. She left him in a matter of hours after he told her he no longer believes.

    This will be your nightmare if you convert first and then do research later. Take the time now to read about JWs, their history, and the effect of being one. This forum will provide much information for you.

    I am sure you are feeling pain now. Imagine it if you have children and then he won't speak to you.

  • N.drew

    You are a member of a church? You believe there is a God? If you get baptized to get married, how is that for God?

  • james_woods

    Well, the only good thing readily apparant about this is that at least she had the insight to come here on JWN and ask the question.

    Which means she has doubts about unwillingly going into the JWs just to marry this guy.

    If she wants the cold hard facts: She needs to set her foot down and not even communicate with this guy again until he is well and truly out of the JW religion. That is no more than he is asking her to do in regard to her own church.

  • mouthy

    The advice all have given on here is very good. I believe the LORD guided you to this site.
    If you get involved with this "love" you will truly regret it. I was a JW for 25+ years .I made 10 people follow
    the teachings of the religion. Because I would have truly died for it. It is a cult. Your children will have a really
    hard life.Mustnt play with "worldly" kids,mustnt get involved with ANYTHING to do with Christmas, birthdays,
    Easter, Mothers Day, Fathers day, voting, the sex life is ordered by the old men at Bethel ( I think there is 12 of them now( not sure)
    That means no oral,or anything except Him on top... Also you must obey your husband.. So no headaches allowed.
    I cannot understand if you are a Church attending gal, surely your minister knows about the WT, Or have you avoided
    that question??? Well I am relling you....I DO hope you listen to all the folks above ....You might as well have been in the
    Jonestown cult,drinking the coolaid at least it was a quick death, or Waco fire,that was quick also, but yours will be a
    slow,deceitful time, going from door to door,obeying your hubbies every whim. Your not recognized as a "worthwhile voice
    only at the doors of the "world" in the "truth"( as they call it)a woman cannot even face the congregation, your a vessel
    for the organization to use as a sales woman, for their Awake & Watchtower, & your hubbies use.. <<< hope you pray about your deciision.

    Grace Gough

  • sammielee24

    The compromise will be ALL on your side. He has already issued you an ultimatum - his religion or nothing. That clearly tells you that the Society is more important to him than any person and that includes you.

    Love in a JW world is conditional love. That condition is that you believe the same thing and live the same way. You need to understand that this is not a simple religion where you can walk away if you decide you just don't want to belong any more. It is far more cult-like in that if you balk at the system in any way, members will do what they can or feel they must, in order to protect the system - not you. That includes lying, manipulation, shunning.


  • OnTheWayOut

    Oh, I know some of us here are a bit forward with our advice. It's because we have been in the Jehovah's Witnesses and we know how truly damaging it can be to one's mental health and how it's really a dangerous mind-control cult.

    I will try to give you some tame advice that will address how you really care for each other. You want what's best for him and probably don't want to just run away from this (although that is excellent advice) so consider this:

    "I will start a study with Jehovah's Witnesses if you [the love of your life] will study about Jehovah's Witnesses from this book, Crisis of Conscience."

    This is a book that will reveal many things about the JW's from a former Governing Body member (their leaders). Tell him that it's not negotiable. And read it yourself.

  • Gayle

    Are you close to your own family? If you become a JW, you will have to minimized associating with them. No birthdays, holidays, no Mother's Day with your mom. Will that be okay for you. He will have his family but you won't have yours. Will that be okay?

    Your 'husband, nor you if you become a JW can not okay a needed blood transfusion for your children. (Most of their Headquarters leadership never had children but will give you endless unrealistic demanding rules for your children). They will have to go door to door with you weekly, no extracurricular activities at school, no non-JW friends, no organized sports, and no college.

    Compromising by JWs is unacceptable on too many things. You will have to be the one to compromise, not your fiance. This has "9/11" alerts all over it!!!

  • Finally-Free

    He has already demonstrated that his religion is more important than you are, yet he asks that you convert, making him more important than your beliefs. In other words, you must give up everything while he gives up nothing. If you give in it will only get worse.

    This is not the foundation of a marriage. This is the foundation of your worst nightmare.


  • Chariklo

    Curious, really, REALLY listen and take note of the so far 100% unanimous response on this board.

    You DON'T want to marry this guy. You really don't.

    You've named your thread "in love with a JW". But, you can already see that he isn't in love with you. He is attracted to you, yes, but does he love you as you are? No. You're not a JW.

    JW's go to great length to protest that they are not a cult...yes, they are. Absolutely. Research JW's as a cult on here and on Google.

    I came very, very close to being a JW, from a knowledgeable, educated Anglican/Catholic background. I got that close due to being caught by some very clever and manipulative JW's at a time when my own church had become immersed in local scandal. As so many people have done before me, I made the mistake of trying to prove to experienced JW's just where their thinking was wrong. Bad idea.

    As an aside, that's another warning. Don't ever do it. Just walk away. Run.

    Anyway, I got so very close before, suddenly and unexpectedly, two elders inadvertently revealed their true colours and those of the Watchtower. So I know.

    This lovely man with whom you are in love will be head of your house. Not in the ordinary way, where a wife might say to a caller "I must ask my husband first". Many JW men, outwardly mild and kind (they'll tell you they are to love their wives as themselves) are basically no more or less than petty tyrants. I have seen men who are weak acting as tyrants at home. I've seen men who appear to be strong and fine examples of Christians reveal themseves to be intolerant bigots.

    You hope for children? Anglican children may go to a Family Service or Sunday School, and in many C of E churches there are soft playmats and quiet toys at the back. Be prepared to have your JW children, from the earliest age, required to sit, well-behaved, for 2 hours quietly in a meeting. The most they might be allowed is one quiet book (about Jesus). They'll be encouraged to "answer up" with simple answers to inane questions, so that everyone can murmur "aaah". I have seen one of those same elders I mentioned earlier treat a two-year-old very harshly when he ran in the Kingdom Hall after the meeting was over.

    As a mother, you'll be required and expected to go out and about with your child or baby in a pushchair, or if a little older carrying their own little bag full of tracts. They'll even be urged to knock on doors. It's true, and in my view close to child abuse. Older JW's talk of doing it as children. There is a little 3 year old here whose mother was baptised in the autumn. Right now, he's happy. Will he be so happy at 6? 8? 10? 12?

    By 12 he'll be being urged to consider baptism, and to look forward to the fine "education" the Watchtower offers, "much better than any other education", says my earnest study condductor. She believes it.

    When he's older, he might like a girl. No good, as you know, unless she is in the "truth" (because, remember, no other religion has the truth. No ecumenism amongst JW's. I was astonished to find that most of them don't even know the word, familiar to everyone in the ordinary churches.) But here is the thing. If he really likes her and she him, and they want to pursue things seriously, then you really, truly have to chaperone them. Yes. Straight out of the 18th century. It's true. My study conductor told me how she chaperoned her daughter and her fiance.

    No birthdays. No Christmas. No Easter, no Easter eggs. No Mothering Sunday. No participation in any local festivals or celebration. No Queen's Diamond Jubilee party for you. Oh, and I don't know if you're interested in current affairs, but, sorry, it's tough, but you'd never be able to vote again, never mind how hard women fought to get the vote.No more happy times with your old friends. (I'm lucky. My old friends still want to know me and have been very understanding and forgiving of my two years of brainwashed folly.)

    You'd have to undergo many months of indoctrination, oops, sorry, study, from the book "What does the Bible Really Teach?" An insidious, manipulative title if ever there was one, and indicative of what awaits you inside the covers. And instead of going to a church service and listening to a sermon or homily, you'll abandon all form of normal worship (and never be able to participate in it again...totally forbidden.) Instead you get a half hour talk from a brother, who is clapped in applause at the finish, so very unlike a church sermon, and then a long communal reading-through of an article in the "Study Watchtower" which is interspersed, paragraph by paragraph, with questions to the congregation. The answers required are all evident from the text just read, but to "prepare" for the process, everyone is expcted to go through the magazine beforehand with pen and/or highlighter underlining important bits and writing in the margins gems from your own "research" from WT literature, of course. This inane activity is much valued, so much so that your study conductor (from my experience) is likely to keep looking over your shoulder at your copy, checking for evidence of preparation.Oh, you also have songs, from the JW song book. They are of this sort: "Listen, Obey and Be Blessed." And many others of that ilk. Their nature rather gives the game away, but the scary thing is, the longer you attend these metings the more ordinary it seems, until something wakes you up.

    The whole organisation is riddled with hypocrisy. They condemn Pharisees etc but in everything, despite constantly stressing the importance of "heart condition", what matters is what shows. It's all for show. They'll come to your home, and might, as my study conductor did, sit and stare at your DVD's and/or books and tell you which ones you have to throw out. True. This really happened. (I listened meekly but didn't do it.)

    Stay right away from it. If your JW man is as immersed as he sounds to be, stay away from him too. End it. You may have a month or so of what feels like heartbreak, but believe me, you will have had a lucky escape.

    Many, many years ago a wise old friend said to me "A love affair that isn't equal on both sides, is not a love affair." This isn't equal. He has to put his religion before you, because his religion requires that it come first in his life. God isn't like that. As an Anglican, you know God to be a loving God. The WT's Jehovah is a petty-minded powerful Old Testament God who intends to wipe away everyone who doesn't obey him down to minute details. Oh, and you might think he can't make rulings in minute details these days. Wrong. The Governing Body of the WT, and authority right down to local elders who may or may not be good or intelligent, are God's vehicle of authority. Disobey and elder and you are disobeying Jehovah. God.

    It's rubbish. All of it.

    Edit: Curious, I've just realised you've already accepted a Bible Study. It is not a Bible Study. It is what the Watchtower says the Bible says. It messes up the mind. Don't do it. Seriously. Just don't.

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