A “Born ins” challenge to develop a "post cult" personality.

by stuckinamovement 42 Replies latest jw friends

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  stuckinamovement

  Hi Tornapart. I don't have the answer really but I empathize. Each of us needs to make a values based decision for ourselves as to what we decide to do. No matter what decision we make (whether to stay or leave), will be tough and knowing that fact going into the process will give you resolve. I don't think that it is a waste of time to try to reinvent ourselves at any stage of life. The older we are the harder it is though.

  Your dilemma is the same as any other born in who realizes that their foundational beliefs are wrong. As an older one you just have less time to work with. Ask yourself the questions mentioned in the original post. I have a feeling that you are not as far off from being your "real self" as you think.

  your bro SIAM
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  d

  I agree I always was trying to find myself as a Jw teen but I now feel that I knwo myself better at 21 then I did at 13.
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  stillstuckcruz

  Fantastic post! Resonates perfectly with my own situation!

  Your personal conscience is not really your own, it is built on the mandates of some man in Brooklyn who has declared what is right and wrong for you. As a “born in” you accept that and never learn how to make a personal decision based on facts, logic or reason. You simply obey.

  ^I struggle with this MANY times. I have had difficulty thinking for myself over the years. I have seen that as I grew older and began questioning....whenever some line of thought was out of harmony with the Watchtower, I could not not figure out how to go beyond it. If it's not spelled out for me, how can I react to it without negative repercussions to myself or others?

  As a “born in” you might have developed a social disability that prevents you from becoming too close to anyone who is “worldly”. This same disability at the same time affects your relationship with those within the faith. You are often times on guard about what you say and the thoughts that you express for fear that you become labeled as weak or bad association. All of your relationships are superficial at some level because inside you know that there might be the chance that you will have to cut-off a friendship if the organization demands it. Why get too close to someone that you might have to shun? This caution results in having few close friends that you can share honest thoughts and feelings with.

  ^AMEN!!!! No matter who that friend is or what their position in "God's Organization", they is NEVER a guaruntee that they will remain. There are many many examples in every congregation. Why grow to love a friend and share everything with them, only to see them leave and be shunned later on? They only ones I became close with were those who were "on the fence".

  What do I love to do? What makes me laugh? Where do I want to be in 10 years, 20, or 30, or 50 (hopefully)? What type of people do I want to be friends with? What are personal qualities that I value? If I died today, what would I want people to say about me? How do I give back to my community in ways that are measurable? What can I do to make sure my kids are raised without a “cult personality”?

  ^I constantly ask myself these questions, among others. It's difficult for a born in to know who they truly are with only the Borg as their original and only line of thought.

  One of my main issues is that I don't know what a real friend is. The Watchtower prints wonderful articles on unconditional love, being encouraging, and being there for one another. It's unfortunate that much of what is printed is not what plays out in actual practice. I have constantly struggled with what a real friend is. If they do something I don't like....do I drop them like a hot potato? Do I have to believe the same thing as you to be a true friend? If you suddenly confess to me that you believe anything different....do I just drop you as a friend? It's incredible how much indoctrination hold over one's life.
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  Mickey mouse

  SIAM I thought you may find this interesting.
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  noni1974

  I would say the worst thing for me has been that I'm a late blommer in almost everyway. I was stunted in education, human and sexual relationships and really understanding my little corner of the world.

  I "offically" lost my virginity at 25 ( I was raped at 5 and I don't count that), started smoking at 25, (not that, that is a good thing or anything) and got my educational goals together at 35. It has taken me a while to adjust to the outside world, but I feel like my personality is pretty much the same.

  You have to think about how much a born in believed it was "the truth." I never believed and I think that has a lot to do with the fact that my transition although tough, wasn't something I couldn't move on from eventually. Then again I also have contact with my parents and a pretty normal relationship with them both.

  My life is blossoming more than ever right now. I've been out 14 years and I am in college about to recieve another Dean's List award ($ in a row so far) and I'm in the honor socity for two year colleges, Phi Theta Kappa. I have more friends than I ever did before and I'm accepted by more groups than I ever was before. I'm involved with more things than ever before.

  It has been 14 years for me ( since I DA ed) and I have also had the help of boards like this one and others to if not vent to, to read and learn from others. I would say that if my entire moral code had been obliterated it might have been harder. I still believe it's wrong to lie, steal, and cheat, not because some religion tells me so, but because that moral code came from lessons learned in my own life. I never was one to just listen to someone just because they said so and I'm still not.
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  stuckinamovement

  Thanks Mickey that was interesting.

  SIAM
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  dog is god

  OMG Siam. You hit the nail on the head. I've been out 12 yrs and I still feel empty. I divorced my husband when he was outed. He stayed a while in the cong but he is living openly gay in another state. My immediate family all died within the last 4 yrs. I might be better if I had someone with me or had children. I feel very untethered but I'm trying to become more active in the unitarian church because they are very active in socal justice. I just about hate the holidays and I am uncomfortable in many social situations because I don't have that history of reference that most people have. I am a good little actress so I get by. I think that it probably will never change. It's kind of like when children miss certain stages of developement at specific ages they reallly are just shit out of luck. If my mom knew what was going to happen to our family I know she would have felt really bad. But it just is what it is.
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  00DAD

  Great post SIAM. I'm struggling with this, not for myself, but to try and figure out how to reach my two sons who are both "Born-ins".

  A while ago I wrote to Steven Hassan about this very question. As you no doubt know he frequently talks about trying to reach the "Pre-Cult Personality" as the best way to rescue someone from a cult. But what do you do for someone that has not "Pre-Cult" experience?

  Unfortunately he never responded. But his second book, Releasing the Bonds, does address this issue albeit somewhat obliquely.

  You're on the right track with some questions and thoughts. But it might help to think back over your life as a young person growing up: What were your interests, hobbies, passions and concerns?

  If you had not been raised a JW what things might you have pursued?

  I know one of my sons is a very talented artist. But we discouraged him from pursuing that because we thought it was just "a selfish pursuit". Now of course I regret that I didn't encourage him more.

  But it does give me one avenue that I feel I can go down to try and reach him. Once in an impulsive act he ripped up and destroyed a bunch of his drawings in a display of "Loyalty to Jehovah and theocratic order." (It makes me gag to say that now).

  Fortunately, I rescued them from the trash can and saved them. Sometime in the future I'm going to return them to him. I'm just waiting for the right time. I hope it's soon.

  Look inside yourself. If you could be/do/have anything you want or ever wanted what would it be?

  It's not to late,

  00DAD
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  stuckinamovement

  00DAD you have a PM.

  SIAM
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  00DAD

  SIAM, and you have one in return!

  Tag, you're it!!!