Elder's wives

by Zordino 24 Replies latest jw friends

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  Band on the Run

  I did not have vast experience. The family ethic was never, under any circumstances, share personal info or go for advice. Best to find a luminary at Bethel. Most of the disputes were personal, not doctrinal. I think threatening to go over their head made it easier to cope. I saw a wife with substantial power behind the throne. The wives should know nothing of any personal elder business. I suppose real life is different.

  We were low on the gossip pole and heard almost anything going behind closed doors. It seemed that the JWs attending a judicial conference were so traumatized, they reported what happened. They were shocked by how unChristian the meeting was. There was a pedophile in our congregation, though. In fact, I was very jealous b/c I had parents and he igored me while doting on my classmates. Thank God for parents. There was no warning, not a hint, until the disfellowshiping announcement. He was the vice overseer so he had enormous access to children.
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  Disillusioned Lost-Lamb

  I agree with the fact it varies, but in my congregation we have a few too many elderettes who wear the pants in their family. They love to be in on everything, but alas they are a woman and cannot hold elite positions, so the next best thing is their husband’s. Let's just say, if something's going on they want covered up it gets swept up pretty nice, but if it not, you'll get plenty of dirty looks and then you'll find out soon enough EVERYONE in the congregation knows; this is true even if it was a personal matter only you and the elders knew about. If that’s the case, how did anyone else find out?

  I always figure confidentiality is only an illusion with the JW’s, reserved for the one’s they want to bestow it upon. A good rule of thumb is don’t trust any JW, they’ll turn on you like a pack of rabid starving dogs if given the chance (I guess they do what they gotta do to get the heat off their own indiscretions and on you).
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  Magwitch

  I was an elders daughter for my entire childhood and then an elder's wife from age 20 to 41. I will have to say that my father let things slip and frequently. However, my husband NEVER, EVER revealed anything confidential. He was as silent as the grave, and I do believe the entire body was the same way. I was so wrapped up in my children's lives that I honestly did not care who was doing what in the congregation. I was focused solely on one thing and it had nothing to do with anything or anyone spiritual.

  So not all elder's wives really give a rat's ass what goes on behind closed doors!!!!
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  nugget

  It depends on the elder. My husband told me nothing and I knew nothing. I didn't even know when he was holding a Jc with other elders. Sometimes he looked pretty miserable about something but would go over to another elder who lived locally to discuss it. If he was called at home he went into another room and shut the door. He took confidentiality very seriously. No one ever tried to ply me for info because they soon realised I was clueless. I got all my info off other sisters whilst on service who all knew everything that was going on. I think because witnesses live such narrow lives they have to live vicariously through others.

  Like all things there are good wives and elders who respect the privacy of others and bad ones who don't.
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  Londo111

  I have a family member who was an elder and had loose lips. Not about everything. However, we learned things that we were not supposed to. However, hearing about the political wrangling behind the scenes gave me pause for thought. "Elders" could be quite childish, immature, vindictive, and use their position even when it was a conflict of interest to do so.

  I am sure there are some conscientious elders…but there are probably just as many who are not so much so.

  This is second or third hand, but I heard a story about a non-practicing gay Witness who confided in the elders in an effort to not give him to his desires. Well that leaked out and the elder's wife took it upon herself to go around to warn parents to keep their children away from him. Mind you, he was gay--not a pedophile. Eventually this young man took his life.

  Keep in mind that people with judicial proceedings have records and that sometimes these records can accidentally fall into the wrong hands…or if an unscrupulous family member is skillful enough, they could snoop.

  Therefore, under no circumstances would I trust an elder…they are cult leaders. They are not equipped to help anyone.
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  LongHairGal

  Zordino:

  The sad fact is that whether or not all or only a few blab confidential things, YOUR business will become known at some point. It is unavoidable. You have no expectation of privacy in the religion and people are only deluding themselves if they do. I know this for a fact because I heard some confidential things over the years that would mortify the persons if they knew.

  The reason is because there is no comparison to the confidentiality of the confessional of the Catholic church. In the church, the priest is generally a priest for life and anybody he gossips to is usually another priest. Now, compare that to the JW religion. An elder is married and may or may not talk. Everybody is at the mercy of his discretion. Even if he is careful, what if his wife is a snoop and then blabs??? Also, an elder may step down or be removed. What, then, happens to all the information he has learned in his time as an elder? Does he have any legal obligation (like a lawyer or doctor) to keep anything quiet? I doubt it. It is simply left up to his discretion and just plain chance. Doesn't make me feel good.
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  NOLAW

  My dad was an elder and almost never shared confidential information. He only did when such info might pose a threat for our family and with care not to reveal details or anything irrelevant.

  On the other hand this was not the case with other elders and their wives. Whenever an elders meeting took place the phone lines caught fire!!!
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  harleybear

  My experience when I discussed a matter with the elders that with in days it was the topic of discusion among the minor children of the elder in the parking lot of the KH.
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  Juan Viejo2

  In committee meetings there are usually three elders. One elder may take his position seriously and respect the confidential nature of a judicial meeting. Maybe one of the others does too. But all three? Very unlikely.

  Those three elders go home and crawl under the covers with their wives. "So what was your meeting about, dear?" one wife says to her elder husband. "I really can't talk about it, sweetheart," he replies. "I understand. Sleep tight," she says.

  In the second household, another elder comes home, has a glass of wine. Feeling stressed, he has another. His wife asks, "Is everything OK? Was the meeting a rough one for you?" "Yes, dear, it was. Poor Sister Jones is going to be so unhappy to hear that her daughter may be disfellowshipped." "Oh, that's too bad. Which daughter?" "The older one, you know the one with dark hair." "She seems so sweet. What could she have possibly done?" "I can't really talk about it, but it seems she has been spending the night with an older man that she works with." "That's hard to believe. She seems so practical and dedicated to the preaching work." "That's true, but her mother told us that she hasn't slept at home for nearly a month. But just forget what I've told you. We don't know all the details yet."

  In the third household, the last elder comes home, has a beer and sits down at the kitchen table. "You'll never guess who's about to get DF'd!" His wife asks, "Who? I bet it is that new girl that moved into the congregation last month. She seems like such a slut." "No. It's actually Sister Jones' older daughter - the brunette." "Really. I always liked her. What in the world did she do?" "Well according to Sister Jones, she met this guy and hasn't come home at night for almost a month. She actually packed a bag and more or less moved out." "I guess you know what that means, huh?" "Oh, yeah. We don't have all the details yet, but she's sure to be disfellowshipped unless she comes up with a really good excuse for her behavior." "I can only imagine. I bet she blames her mother for being too controlling. She'll say she moved out with a girlfriend, but you know she's really living with that guy she met."

  The next morning, half of the women in the congregation will know that Sister Jones' older daughter, the one with dark hair, has moved out of her home, lied about staying with a girlfriend, and is probably pregnant with her new boyfriend, the older man she is now sleeping with.

  Within two weeks, everyone in the Kingdom Hall will have heard the story, and maybe added their own twists to it, and have already convicted the poor girl. The judicial committee really has no choice but to disfellowship her because everyone in the Kingdom Hall knows that...

  Sister Jones' older daughter, the brunette, has been sleeping with an older man for over a month, is probably pregnant with his baby, and has been lying to her mother about staying with her girlfriend. Everyone in that congregation, and several in surrounding Kingdom Halls all know the horrible truth.

  And of course, they've all added their own twists and details to the story as it progresses from "house to house."

  If you think I'm exaggerating, I'm not. I saw similar things happen several times. I heard some of the most disgusting gossip as a 13-15 year old sitting in the back seat of an elderette's sedan while we were all out in service. I heard even more as an 18-20 year old while having coffee with the son of an elder because he overheard his mother and father talking about it openly at home or during dinner. I heard similar stories while out on a date with a teenage JW girl whose father was an elder.

  Yes, there are a few elders' wives who will hold their tongue. But the urge to share some secret with another sister is often stronger than their responsibility to keep their mouths shut. And that's part of the problem. Gossip has a way of magnifying insignificant issues from anthills into mountains. I've seen it in person and know the damage results from elderette gossip. I can assure you that it's real and it happens in most Kingdom Halls.

  JV
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  wha happened?

  I oftened joked that the real PO was not my FIL, but actually my MIL. I wasn't an elder but later a friend of mine said that at practically every elder meeting, my ex FIL would walk in and complain about something because some of the publishers were complaining to him. Every elder in that room knew it was his wife. So they would ask him, "Who are the publishers? Why aren't they speaking with thier bookstudy conductor? Why haven't we heard of this?" Then my ex FIL would just complain that it was what he heard and would settle down. She must have just jammered at him for details all this time.