So I bought a "first Bible" for my 2 year old. It has about a dozen hard pages so they can't be torn, has colorful illustrations and touches on the basic stories of Noah, David, Jesus, etc. but without the WTB&TS spin (or graphic depictions of the wicked drowning, etc.). But it still felt weird buying it. So I tried to force the issue by buying a rated-R movie (The Matrix on Blu-Ray; seemed appropriate), but I still felt weird. And I realized that, despite my awakening and growing mid-life crisis, not much in my life is different at all.
As a born-in, I don't know how to start over, since I've never thought of what my life would be like otherwise. I've never wanted to celebrate holidays (and still don't), and can't really change my life in other ways since I have my family, and most of my life choices are still binding (which feeds the mid-life crisis feeling, my "bloom of youth" having been squandered). And it's especially hard trying to fade in a town where "spies" are everywhere. When I was buying my JW contraband, I kept looking over my shoulder--this is a town where it's easy to run into someone you know at the store.
Am I supposed to feel different? I did at first, like a weight was lifted... but now I'm just caught spinning my wheels again. Day in, day out, my life is the same, only without any sense of direction and the fear that my family could be taken away at any time if I say the wrong thing. I almost feel more trapped than before, carrying a terrific secret that I can't tell anybody I care about. We were planning a vacation to Florida next year to see my wife's family, take the kids to the theme parks, and have a great time... but now I'm feeling apprehensive about it.
Sorry if this rant is all over the place, but lack of clear focus is the theme of my life right now. I just needed to vent a little.