Do you want/expect your kids to take care of you when you're old?

by GoingGoingGone 26 Replies latest jw experiences

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  CaptainSchmideo

  So, what does one do when:

  1) He has a father who was self-employed his entire working life, no savings to speak of, and is now in his 70's, working as long as he can, knowing that if he gets very sick, he's got a problem financially.

  2) He has a mother who has a slightly better work history, but no savings to speak of either.

  3) A mother-in-law who "has Jehovah" and doesn't worry about mundane things like money, until...

  4) Insane father-in-law keeps blowing his money on bollocks and shite because he thinks he has a right to blow it all before he dies.

  That's my life in a nutshell. Of all the children in both families, I am the only one that makes the most money, and I don't make that much. I have a pittance of a savings, but that's more than anyone else in the immediate family has. So, when I say "I can't support my parents or inlaws" if they get to the point where they need help, I ain't making it up. I ain't being selfish. I ain't being shallow. I financially will not be able to do it. I was raised by (and so was my wife) by "grasshoppers" that fiddled to the Society's tune (well, my father in law saved a lot, but now he's burning it, while his idiot wife stands by and lets it happen). The best I can do right now is try to get my kids to not repeat two generations worth of mistakes by making sure that they get educated and situated while they have their youth. It's too late for my parents, it's probably too late for me. Anyway, I am pretty scared of the next 10 years and the events that are yet to come....
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  GoingGoingGone

  Thanks FlyingHighNow-

  I was thinking that... and I truly hope she never has to hear that from her kids. Although there are worse things; again, I wonder how much I blow things out of proportion sometimes.

  Will Power-

  Happy New Year to you too!! I hope this is just an age thing. I guess time will tell.

  We really should talk soon! Things are going well here, all things considered! Lots to catch up on!

  Hugs,

  GGG
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  GoingGoingGone

  CaptainSchmideo,

  I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's such a hard situation. I hope your parents and in-laws stay healthy for a long time to come.

  GGG
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  Band on the Run

  My mom's way of putting fear in us was to ask if we would want our gm as our m. No way, ever. She had problems with her mom, who let her be expelled from school at 14 for flag salute but if asked to salute would do so in a nanosecond. After my gm died, my mom spent the second half of her life exclaiming how she was too hard on her mom, how she should have more compassionate. I found it amusing. Well, I've said horrendous things to my mom about JWs and enabling abuse. I don't think I was immature. Years passed and all my "I will never do thats" started to erode with time. Now I regret every scene with my mom. It is not so amusing when I am involved.

  She may have just been expressing vague concerns. Children dump on parents. Abstract thoughts are one thing but when pressed with an actual bad event, many people change their mind. It does not seem fair that you struggled to pay for superb schools for them to attend rather than sock away the money into retirement accounts. My mother ended up being my caretaker into her old age rather than my taking care of her.

  People are staying in the workforce much longer. Wealthy people still stay working b/c they love the challenge. No one knows the future. The unknown is scary.

  One of my mom's favorite quotes was from George Bernard Shaw, "Youth is wasted on the young."
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  AnneB

  GGG, your children don't have the same mindset that you do (obviously), and their formal education has a lot to do with that. Your daughter isn't really saying that she'd abandon you in your old age; what it seems to me she's saying is more the perspective of someone who views everything through the eyes of finance: child care isn't provided by family members, a day care is paid, vacations aren't used for family reunions, they're used to see the world, health care, convalescent care, old age care, etc. are also taken care of by paid providers, and why? Because the family and extended family who used to do all these things as a matter of course are now all in the wage market! Your daughter is only acknowledging that reality, and, of course, it sounds cold and unemotional because that's part of the attitude shift that comes with the acceptance of the current socioeconomic arrangement. Your children do still love you, it's just that they will be expressing that love in a style compatible with their education and resultant lifestyle. My guess is that the self-absorption stems from her schooling as well; it's a fearsome thing to be taught that your well-being as a senior depends solely on how well you do in your younger years, how much you save, invest sucessfully, put in Social Security, PERS, etc. That's a far cry from knowing that you have a whole family line to fall back on if times get rough!

  If you think it wouldn't come across as abrasive, you might want to engage your children in conversation regarding their views on things like planning for your later years, health, finances, etc. You seem to have something set up already but again, they will have another perspective based on what they've learned during the course of their formal education; they might have some pointers that you could consider and it would probably help to let them have at least some idea of how you are engineering your future; at the very least it may forestall some of the clashes that can occur during a health care crisis.

  Your children don't mean to be unloving. The love is there! Their world is just....different, and that's what you're just finding out. I would venture to guess that your daughter had no idea how surprised you would be by her views; to her it just made sense. My suggestion is keep talking to her about such things, as appropriate. That way you'll get a better picture of how she (and her brother) think. The more you listen the more you'll learn, then will come a meeting of the minds. You two may never see things exactly the same way but at least you'll understand each other!
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  Botzwana

  I would put a bullet in my head when I can no longer go. I have no kids and no family except the wifey who is 13 years older than me.
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  FlyingHighNow

  I think we're all going to catch boats for the icebergs and just float out to sea like eskimos. My children are so messed up, I'm just waiting for them to help themselves before I get old and die. Seriously, I guess all we can do is work until we can't anymore, take each day as it comes. Take good care of our health, try to stay out of debt and save a few crumbs.

  I have an idea: why don't we all get together and set up a commune when we hit retirement age? I'm 53 now. I think it's a good idea. They speak of taking social security and medicare and making us work until we're dead. We might as well pool our resources and take care of each other.
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  ssn587

  For myself, I have no intention of living with my children, I fully intend to take care of myself. I am moving to a foreign country, where my money will ensure that if needed i will have daily nursing care if it ever comes to that. Hopefully I have the genes of my father and his mom and grandmother. Father lived to 98, his mom to 102, his grandmother to 106. He died in an accident, vehicle, and not from old age problems. He was in fact still working on his farm/ranch so good for him. don't know what gm, or ggm died from but if my father is an example they lived a very frality free life as both were still living on their own when they passed.

  I have no wish to burden my children, (really can't put up with noise from younger ones) or myself with having to live with someone, although at times I have teased them about this. they seem more than willing to be able to and wanting to take care of me if it ever gets to that point. but as I will be living in a foreign land they won't have too.
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  DaCheech

  I don't expect my children to take care of me, I was brought up in a way that parents sacrifice themselves: because we brought them in the world, and we have the responsibility to take care of them for such.

  I have foreign parents that believe the same, my american in-laws are the opposite --> I was willing to pay them (to babysit my kids when toddlers) what daycare charged, but they refused, babysitting? ha, not a chance in hell!

  I hope to be strong enough to take care of my children's-children.
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  Vanderhoven7

  All four of our children will do everything they can to make us comfortable in our old age. I turned 65 last week btw. My wife and I have my excellent pension from teaching and now my government old-age pension is kicking in on top of that. She still teaches and is drawing an excellent salary. We have never suffered financially mostly because our needs have been limited. We have everything we need and extra so I don't anticipate ever needing financial support. Relationships are what really matter to us and knowing our children are happy and succeeding in life and serving the Lord.

  Your daughter has her priorities all wrong.