Need some sage JWN advice

by Simon Morley 15 Replies latest jw friends

  • Simon Morley
    Simon Morley

    It has been two years since my family stopped attending and being "active". My daughter is in her 30's settled and teaching with a Masters degree she got post her separation and divorce four years ago from a witness, she is remaried and happy. We just celebrated our first Xmas since joining JW in the early 80's.

    My wife now has increasing bouts of extreme anger (that border on violence) directed primarily at me for wasting twenty years of her life and causing my daughter to have periodic problems with flashbacks and anxiety. I really don't blame her, I should have been smarter and not so wooed by the promise of a "spiritual paradise" and a new world that was just around the corner based on the fact that the 1914 generation was fast dwindling. Really, my motive was clearly selfish in wanting to be on the better side of God when the end (which I always believed in) came. At that time, being an RC I could see many problems with the emerging child abuse and hypochrisy that lead me to what I believed was a better hope. I would never put my family in harms way - but looking back I did when we became JW's.

    I have tried reasoning and being outright sorry for putting my family through that, but it is no use. I love my wife dearly and I am trying to put those twenty years behind us. If I could wind the clock back to that instant I "listened" to the JW's I would not hestiate to send them packing. However, I live with my mistakes. There is not a day goes by that I am reminded of the lost years and I am beginning to become desparate. Anyone been though this or knows of a similar situation and could offer some insight?

    SM

  • darth frosty
    darth frosty

    FWIW this is a stage your wife is going thru just a matter of how long it last.

    I will try and find it but there info on this site that talks about the stages people go thru when leaving a cult they range from fear and anger to finally resolve and acceptance.

  • rebel8
    rebel8

    I think she should go to counseling. This is an abnormal reaction and she could probably benefit from talking to a professional with distance from the situation (objectivity).

    directed primarily at me for wasting twenty years of her life

    Was she not an adult herself? We are all responsibile for our own actions.

    Logic or apologies do not seem to be the solution to her woes.

    ETA: Here is a book about the stages a person goes through post-dubbery. But anger bordering on violence is abnormal.

    Best wishes.

  • darth frosty
    darth frosty

    Here is the info

    here

    Ladylee's

    Here

  • tenyearsafter
    tenyearsafter

    Leaving the JW's involves certain stages of emotion similar to grieving. I agree with Rebel that your wife's reaction seems a bit extreme in relation to blaming you for a decision I would assume she had a part in. Seeking counseling might be a good decision...I would try to get her to go with you so she won't be overly defensive at the suggestion to seek counseling. You might also want to look at the Free Minds website...I believe there is information on there regarding exits from the JW's.

    http://www.freeminds.org/

  • juni
    juni

    For most people whenever a deeply close relationship ends there are doubts and heartache including anger, frustration and hurt - it is a loss. To work through this is a PROCESS. This process is different for everyone. For some, they never recover, but choose to stay in a victim state. Others make the decision that they have to find a place for the loss in order to move on in life, one step at a time, to find joy again. It hurts and is very hard to face up to our responsibility in a lost relationship. We all gain something (I'm not referring to material things here) from these relationships otherwise we wouldn't have got involved in the first place - be it w/another human being or god.

    We should remember that all of our experiences, present or past, have made us who we are today. We can choose to take away that which was good and grow, or we can make the choice to always blame others for our miserable state and stay stuck in it thereby missing opportunities to be happy.

    As rebel8 suggested, if your wife is "stuck" in the process of healing, professional help would give her the "tools" to be able to move forward if that is her choice. I wish your family the best.

    Juni

  • juni
    juni

    Excellent links darthfrosty.

    Perhaps at some point, SM, your wife would agree to read others' experiences on this thread. It would validate her feelings and possibly give her hope that one can heal.

  • designs
    designs

    Couseling is in order, the Rage phase is a mother....

  • wasblind
    wasblind

    As a mother, I thought I was doin' what was right for me and my child

    my old man wouldn't buy into it,

    I keep askin' myself how did I come so close to desytroyin' the life I swore to protect

    I look in the mirror, and tell myself out of ignorance I unknowingly did wrong, but when I learned

    better, I did better

    I got the heck outta dodge

    your wife needs professional help so she can see that when you knew better you did better

    for the family you love

  • outsmartthesystem
    outsmartthesystem

    I too would highly suggest counseling. If she loves you she should be understanding that you fell prey to a cult....but did so out of trying to do what was right. She should be supportive that you've at least recognized the mistake and cut your losses.

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