The Apostates' Handy JW Glossary

by Vanderhoven7 8 Replies latest social current

  • Vanderhoven7
    Vanderhoven7

    Perhaps this has been printed here before...but still it gave me a few laughs...so here it is again.

    The Apostates' Handy JW Glossary

    By Doug Checketts

    "Apostate" - the most evil word in the JW lexicon. Worse than Satan, worse than demons. Say the word, and watch real TERROR well up in the eyes of a JW.
    (See "Internet")

    "Demons" - real SCARY beings. They just can't wait to "get in" to your body and mess you up. A group of bad, bad, spirit entities which somehow love to inhabit used clothing, furniture, lawn chairs, and mostly, apostates, to name a few. They are frequently seen lurking around garage sales, and antique shops.

    "Satan" - a token bad guy. Doesn't scare anyone, anymore. But "demons" do.

    "Jehovah" - scares JWS more than apostates, demons, and Satan put together.
    Scares JWs more than any Circuit Overseer ever could, for that matter, or even your typical Elder.

    "Holy Spirit" - some sort of a "force", or something. It acts, but we don't know how it acts, when it acts, and what it acts upon. But it "acts", I guess.

    "Internet" - hiding out place for demons and apostates.

    "The Truth" - a series of perpetually changing understanding of prophecy, doctrines, rules and regulations. The "light" (see "New Light") is said to get "brighter as that Day approaches". Obviously, then, that "Day" is a long ways off. According to the current "light" as now understood, we may well see another ice age or two before the "truth" really becomes known.

    "Sheep" - victim.

    "Other Sheep" - second-class victims.

    "Shepherd" - used as a both noun and a verb. As it noun it means "boss guy". As a verb it means, "to question a believer's faith, to pry, to harass, to make uninvited visits"

    "Elder" - a man who has demonstrated unswerving loyalty to the WTBS
    by his works and who has been rewarded with the responsibility of "shepherding" over a Congregation. Duties include shepherding (see "Shepherd") teaching, snooping, counseling, reprimanding, reproving, disfellowshipping and ocassionally, spying. Each Officially Approved "Elder's Kit" includes a "secret book", 7000 WTBS confidential "forms" to use and send directly to Headquarters Central, and a precision ruler, so be careful of your hair length, gentlemen, and your dress length, ladies!

    "Ministerial Servant" - 1) a wannabe Elder who doesn't yet understand how Congregational politics work. 2) a former Elder who pissed off another Elder or Elders who had more clout with the Circuit Overseer.

    "A Man Who Holds No Position of Reponsibility in the Congregation" - One lucky guy. (see "Spiritually Weak".)

    "A Woman in the Congregation" - "keep your place, little lady. And don't forget that head covering."

    "Spiritually Weak" - anyone who dares not to conform precisely to every teaching, rule and regulation. Although not officially stated in any official WTBS publication, "Spiritually Strong" JWs are allowed to stare and sneer at "Spiritually Weak" JWs without recrimination. This is a known frustration outlet for JWs, who are lucky they didn't get branded with that title first. Some "Spiritually Strong" people spend hours in the mirror practicing the facial expression which evokes "you pathetic little fool. I pity the dust on your feet. You'll never make it through the great tribulation, 'cause you don't got the guts to follow the rules. But I do, so there. Have a nice day."

    "Spiritually Strong" - see Webster's definition under the word, "robot".

    "Open Minded Person" - an apostate, a thinker, er, I mean "independent thinker".

    "Closed Minded Person" - haughty, full of pride, stubborn, one who won't take the magazines when offered at the door.

    "No-Minded Person" - spiritually mature. (See "Elder")

    "Inactive" - the thinking level peak which is reached by members at Congregational meetings and Assemblies.

    "Street Work" - a no-brainer and easy way to "put in your hours", and if your male, to watch the babes at the same time. Be sure to starch your entire body before you try it out, though.

    "Kingdom Hall" - a building used for JW indoctrination. Could also be a place for fellowship, should anyone actually try to do that. Includes a specially constructed "star chamber" for committee meetings and a tamper-proof safe for the "Flock" book.

    "The Catholic Church" - for years considered to be the worst of the worst in Christendom or "Babylon the Great". Attitude changed due to current "light", upon the interesting discovery that WTBS and Roman Catholic Church leadership hierarchies are literally the same: priest-elder, monsignor-Circuit Overseer, bishop-District Overseer, Archbishop-Zone Overseer, Cardinal-Branch Servant, Pope-Governing Body, among a lot of other unique similarities. Not only is the Catholic Church no longer a "snare and a racket", it is being considered as a viable financial advisor to be utilized in protecting the vested interests of the WTBS. While never admitted officially, someone took the time to point out to the WTBS that they lambasted the RCC for changing their stance on the eating of meat on Fridays, but never apologized for their ever-changing stances on vaccinations, organ transplants, military service, and blood. No one ever died from not eating meat on Fridays. 'nough said. The Catholic Church is now: not so bad, after all. "Don't point out my skeletons, and I won't point out yours."

    "Revisionism" - a practice frequently used, but regularly denied by the WTBS.

    "Bound Volumes" - doctored up copies of old Watchtower magazines.

    "Superior Authorities" - depends on what month of the year it is and whose on the Governing Body at any given time.

    "Beth Sarim" - literally, "house of drunks".

    "Spiritual Encouragement" - bullying.

    "Higher Education" - how should I know? I was raised a Witness.

    "Spiritual Food" - 1) A diet, that if kept up for any length of time, will result in total starvation. 2) Any JW publication which has been hot off the press for a week or less, tops. Not to be confused with the Holy Bible, which by itself, is NOT to be considered as spiritual food. It's sorta like protein: the Bible is considered "incomplete" protein unless taken in conjunction with other "foods", i.e. The WT and Asleep magazines. Then, it's complete "protein" and nutritious for you. (If you have a strong stomach, and don't have a tendency to vomit easily).

    "Spiritual Fornication" - the most polite expression a JW may use when referring anyone who has anything to do with a religious organization other than the WTBS.
    Unfortunately, this expression tends to arouse older members of the Congregation in a not-so-nice-way, so it is being used more infrequently.

    "Earthly Hope" - a second-class existence in which, the people on earth will be ruled over from heaven by many people they didn't like when they were alive, anyway.

    "Class" - a "greater fullfullment" word which applies to virtually every character ever mentioned in the Bible. In the "greater fullfillment", the "class" which represents each Bible character is somehow applied to JWs. How do ya fit "Onan" in there, anyway?

    "Gentile Times" - a way of teaching multiplication to non-Jews.

    "Children" - a book written by a WTBS President who never had any.

    "Prophecy" - another book written by the same WTBS President. An oxymoron.

    "Oxymoron" - Free Home Bible Study, Independent Thinking, Public Talk, New Light, The "Truth", Non-Inspired Prophet, Faithful and Discrete Slave, "Good" News of the Kingdom, Happiest People on Earth, "Servant", "Trustworthy and Reliable" Bible Chronology, Love God in Fear, "We Bring a Heart of Wisdom to this matter", "Declaration of Facts", "Aid to Bible Understanding", "The Truth That Leads to Eternal Life", etc. Sigh.

    "Opposer" - not literally "one who opposes", but one who doesn't blindly AGREE with everything rule and doctrine put forward, without questioning or verifying.

    "Where else can we go?" - a question asked of Jesus by his Apostles, and which applied to Him as the only place to turn for salvation. Currently used by the WTBS to apply to themselves. Standard apostate retort when asked that question is "how about a nice movie, or something?"

    "E. Frost" - current WTBS example of a "faithful servant", albeit deceased. Was responsible for betraying 7 Circuit Overseers and their families to the Nazis during WWII, resulting in their imprisonment and deaths.

    "The Organization" - 1) Your Mother. 2) The intermediary for all of mankind to get to Jesus Christ. Removed Christ from his seat at the head of the Throne and as Mediator for all Mankind, and rejected his requirements for baptism during the "trying times" of the 1980's, to make things "simpler" for the average JW. 3) The ONLY way to Salvation. 4) 12 old geezers and their faithful minions who actually believe this caca.

    The "New Covenant" - something 99 percent of faithful Jehovah's Witnesses can never experience. It is also unfortunate that the OTHER 1 percent will never experience it, either! But, according to JW dogma, it is a "lucky break" for anyone who was born before 1935 when, after that, Jehovah pretty much "slammed the door" on any new inductees. Jehovah can play "rough" sometimes, can't he?

    "Publisher's Time Sheet" - literally, "JW Report Card".

    "Annual Yearbook" - a vehicle used to regularly dispense a false history of JWs. It also includes statistics which no statistician can use in any meaningful way.

    "Aid to Bible Understanding" - a master JW reference book. All of the 3 authors were subsequently disfellowshipped, and thus were not entitled to any royalties.

    "Anointed" - an experience that, unfortunately, no "anointed" one has ever been able to explain. Before 1935, no one had to explain it. They just WERE! After 1935, they didn't have to explain it either: they just, somehow, KNOW. After all, a lot of the "Evil Slave" died unrepentant. So there must be some "openings", mustn't there? At Pentecost they REALLY KNEW, according to the Bible, because they were overcome with Holy Spirit. Modern anointed ones don't even experience 6 volts of Holy Spirit. Shame.

    "Evil Slave" - originally applied to the "Standfasters" who left the Russell organization because they objected to any participation in war, including buying bonds which supported the war, which Russell supported in print. Currently applies to any ex-"anointed", former "faithful and discrete slave" who doesn't toe the line. When I was a youngster, I was warned that if I encountered any elderly person who started to say nice things about Russell, and his teachings, I should flee that household right away! The 'ol Evil Slave was ready and willing to entice me into apostasy.

    "Stumbled" - someone tripped up and disillusioned over failed JW doctrines or Elder bullying. Used perjoratively.

    "Hypocrisy" - something all other religions, excepts JWs practice.

    "Just Imperfect Men" - catch-all excuse when prophecies fail, or an over-zealous Elder wrecks the lives of an individual or a family.

    The "Great Crowd" - shirttail followers of the "chosen ones" in the "New Covenant". "It's too bad you were unlucky enough to be born after we decided that 1935 was the "cut off" date. Sorry about that." Sometimes referred to as "second class Christians".

    "New Light" - a catchall phrase which means "an old mistake has now just been replaced with another, newer mistake".

    "Spirit Directed" - what happened when Johnannes Gerber participated in the creation of the New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures. Also refers to C.T. Russell's dabbling with astrology and pyramidology.

    "Unity" - unquestioning conformity.

    "Conformity" - something practiced only by Catholics and other "Worldly" religions.

    "Science" - an unknown concept in the JW world.

    "Reasoning" - making things up.

    "Bible Interpretation" - see "Reasoning".

    The "World" - what is occupied by "Wordlings". (See Worldlings.)

    "Worldy People" - same as "Wordlings", but sounds less harsh.

    "Donation" - in the Congregation: extortion by "encouragement". In the field service: extortion by "sympathy".

    "Assembly" - a Worldwide book-promotion tour, together with entertainment, including "Bible Dramas" designed to cure every form of insomnia. (Don't forget to stand at attention when the announcements are read.)

    "FREE Home Bible Study" - a very EXPENSIVE lesson in life and pocketbook when played to its inevitable conclusion.

    "Disfellowshipment" - spiritual and familial homicide. Attempts to upgrade this practice to physical homicide have been thwarted because of existing laws in most countries.

    "Disassociation" - the same results as disfellowshipment, except the person gets to get out before they are forced out.

    "Public Reproof" - cruel and unusual punishment in front of the entire JW community.

    "Reinstatement" - a "blessing" to be dispensed at the whim of the Elders after an extended period of public humiliation. It can also refer to a spiritual concession of conscience made by a disfellowshiped one, owing to the natural and very human desire to be able to associate with family and friends, despite knowing "something" about the belief is wrong.

    "Independent Thinking" - a marvelous gift to mankind from our Creator, Jehovah. Unfortunately, to many this ability is lost, due to frontal lobotomies or persistence in continuing to attend Watchtower Studies.

    "Magog" - a washing machine which never seems to break.

    The Book "From Paradise Lost to Paradise Regained" - responsible for intolerable mental abuse for any child who read it and had to look at the "Armageddon" pictures. Now out of print, fortunately.

    "Great Tribulation" - something which just never seems to happen as planned.

    "Fixing Dates" - something the WTBS forswore not to do in the 1940's.

    "The Last Days" - there is a great deal of excitement about this in Brooklyn. Seems someone has postulated that the Greek word for "days" may also be loosely translated "centuries". (Is Freddie Franz back in action, again?) It will take consultation with a noted psychic to verify whether this change in translation will be implemented, or not, however.

    "Childlessness" - a practice strongly encouraged for married couples for nearly a hundred years due to the "remaining short time". Definitely a major breakthrough in JW birth-control.

    "Porneia" - anything which stimulates the hormones of the average Elder.

    "1975" - 1) to Witness newbies, a date just like any other: no more, no less. Now not even mentioned under "significant" dates in the WTBS reference books.
    2) A "Harvest Sifting" in which over-speculative and presumptuous people erroneously hoped something would happen, but was never declared in print to happen. 3) A year to weed out the "lazy ones" who were only serving Jehovah for imminent salvation. 4) A date which destroyed many fragile psyches, life savings, and families. 5) A date not to forget for apostates. Long-time apostates will always remember October 5, 1975, as "a day of infamy".

    "1874" - a date, whose historical significance we shall never know, because everyone who believed in what was going to happen on that date is now dead.

    "Judge Rutherford" - a deceased gentlemen whose unfortunate destiny in the eternal afterlife was to be placed in a room loaded with fully stocked, (but locked) liquor cabinets. And he has no key! Just his own books to keep him company! On the wall of this room is a bright mural which is eternally flashing in garish colors: "Religion is a Snare and a Racket", accompanied by shrill and deafening sounds of his "phonograph" speechs, for ever, and ever, and ever!

    "Loose Conduct" - any type of sexual activity which, when described in minute detail, is designed to stimulate the prurient interests of the Elders.
    (See "Porneia".)

    "Public Talk" - a lecture which is almost NEVER attended by any of the public. On the rare occasion when a member of the public attends, it is only for once, due to a phenomenon known as "sleep apnea".

    "Sleep Apnea" - a chronic grogginess induced at the first verse of the first song at every JW meeting.

    "Watchtower Study" - a very "deep" discussion of JW doctrine via a question and answer format. On occasion, the Bible may also be used, as long as its used in moderation.

    "Moderation" - a strict form of conduct applicable to every activity in every JW's life, with the exception of field service and Watchtower donations.

    "Spiritually Deep" - anything contradictory in JW teaching, or anything which cannot be explained to any rational, questioning human being. In otherwords, almost EVERYTHING espoused by the WTBS! Also used by the lower ranks of JWs to explain away anything not understood, because most of the lower ranks don't read the literature to begin with.

    "Tract" and "Booklet" - something passed out to the public by JWs, which is promptly turned into fireplace fodder.

    "The Magazines" - also something passed out to the public by JWs, but unlike tracts and booklets, can be rolled into nifty fireplace LOGS!

    "Exegesis" - a critical interpretation of a text. Most JWs think it is the second book of the Bible.

    "Heuristic" - valuable for empirical reasoning. The normal JW does not know the meaning of this word, but assumes it must have a "dirty sexual" connotation.
    (See "Porneia".)

    "Type and Antitype" - a method of Bible interpretation developed by Frederick W. Franz, which basically allows for a minimum of two meanings to EVERY verse in the Bible. This effective coup virtually doubled the original meaning and interpretation of the Bible in one fell swoop!

    "Archtype" - an enhancement to the "type and antitype" theory of interpretation which caused the possible interpretations of the original Bible to be TRIPLED!!

    "Fred Franz" - a dead guy who made all this goofy stuff up.

    "Literacy" - a recent phenomenon occurring in modern Congregations of Jehovah's Witnesses. Portends the possibility that JW literature will have less of those sappy and stupid pictures than in the past.

    "Bethel Art Staff" - a bunch of guys who stand to lose their jobs if this "literacy" thing continues.

    "The Jimmy Swaggart Incident" - didn't happen. Show me ANYWHERE in the literature of JWs proof that it actually happened.

    "Negro" - a human being with distinctive physical racial characteristics who will never sit on the Governing Body until a bunch of people make a stink about it.

    "Asian" - see "Negro".

    "Jew" - see the "Declaration of Facts", sent to Adolph Hitler in 1933.

    "Famine - 1975" - a very authoritative book, quoted frequently by the WTBS, which proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that the world would be enveloped with famine in 1975. Out of print since Jan 1, 1976.

    "Reliable and Trustworthy Bible Chronology" - oh, oh. We're headed for more "new light" and another GB "spanking" after this prophecy fails.

    "Reform" - something Martin Luther did, but then he was an apostate.
    This word is nowhere to be found in the JW lexicon.

    "Worldlings" - a term of deep respect used by JWs when referring to anyone outside of their organization.

    "Wait on Jehovah" - literally, "We don't have a clue".

    "Kingdom Ministry School" - advanced sales training. Requires "Ministry School 101" as a prerequisite.

    ""Nephilim" - the children of angelic demons and earthly mothers who all spoke with lisps.

    "The 7 Trumpets" - refers to a "significant" scriptural prophecy which, "unquestionably", had its fulfillment in 7 JW assemblies in the 30's. For some strange reason, it hasn't been mentioned in print in decades.

    "Jesus, the Christ" - The Son of God. He must answer directly to the dictims of the "faithful and discrete slave". (See "faithful and discrete slave")

    "Book Study" - another form of study, which invariably occurs on the one night of all of your favorite TV shows.

    "Weekend Field Service" - a preaching requirement which explains why the lawns of most JWs are longer than their neighbors'.

    "Faithful and Discrete Slave" - a group of 12 to 18 men (depending upon who's alive at the time) who will soon be able to retire in a $50,000,000 (materials only, labor was free) resort complex on nearly 700 acres in Patterson New Jersey

    "Inactive Publisher" - total loser. Very vulnerable to "demon penetration".

    "Ordinary Publisher" - loser. Someone not "reaching out".

    "Vacation (auxiliary) Pioneer" - a cheap attempt at gaining salvation.

    "Regular Pioneer" - showing some potential for greatness here. Might make it to Ministerial Servant if you don't make waves.

    "Special Pioneer" - now you are something SPECIAL! (No medical benefits, or pension, though) Elder material, if, fortunately, you are not a female.

    "Missionary" - salvation by quota. Discount on magazines, and enough money a month to place you at, or near, the poverty level of the average citizen of Calcutta, India.

    "Bethelite" - forced exile from reality. Loyalty oath required. Free room and board, though. Frequent room searches, unfortunately. Don't know about free subway tokens these days. Stuff is always changing. Annual clothing allowance, subsidized, in part, by "Goodwill Industries". Good view of the Hudson River. Must be subjected to GB members flatulation and dozing off while presenting the morning's text. If you are in charge of the dining room that day, you sometimes need to remind the GB why they are there in the first place. Requirement to "shepherd" a congregation in Albany, or some other distant place, including
    Sweden. Must be on time to work every day.

    "Grumbling" - members of the Congregation saying it like it is.

    "Gileadite" - intense preparation for salvation by quota. Must read the entire Bible, but only in moderation. Get a hobby, if you have problems with that.

    "Congregational Overseer" - power over the entire Congregation. A real rush.

    "Circuit Overseer" - power over the Congregational Overseer. A better rush.

    "District, Zone, and Branch Overseers" - power over everyone under them. A super rush.

    "Governing Body" - apparent power over Christ, the Bible and Jehovah God. The ultimate, but only a very TEMPORARY rush, since it takes around 100 years to become a member. Best benefit? WTBS stock options and regular dividends from the faithful.

    "Patterson Complex" - a "teaching" complex with NO literature printing, binding, or distribution facilities, but apparently, plenty of condos for the WT elite. Adjacent to this facility is the Patterson Inn, a "for-profit" hotel owned by the WTBS, due to tax-income-related compromises made with the City of Patterson, which, until now, had no hotel. Thanks to "God's Spirit-Directed Organization, Patterson now has a hotel! Praise the Lord!

    "Patterson Complex Visitation Arrangements" - All faithful may visit the complex and stay in the hotel. The admission price for a Patterson Complex tour is yet-to-be determined. Due to current legal trends, a "donation" type system may be substituted for an actual admission. This all depends upon the current tax laws at the time of opening, and will be subject to change, depending upon future tax laws, which might be enacted at any future date. However, it has been determined that the living quarters of the GB will be strictly off-limits. At $300 per square foot, this ain't no Budget Inn. "In-Condo" Jacuzzis, anyone? Home entertainment systems, anyone? Room or maid service, anyone?

    "Greed" - a vile lifestyle practiced by all religious clergy, except the leaders of Jehovah's Witnesses. Condemned in the Bible in 1st Corinthians 5:11. Not currently a followed-through disfellowshipping offense. Subject to change, as is everything else. New Light next week. News at 11:00. Better yet, don't miss your next Assembly, folks! More books ahead!

    (As penned by a bona fide JW-defined apostate, but NOT necessarily an apostate according to Christ. See "Addendum, Christ II")


    Doug


    Addendum

    "Christ II" - 1) the Savior of All Mankind. 2) Not subject to man-made rules and regulations. 3) King of Kings and Lord of Lords. 4) The ONLY way to Salvation. 5) The one providing a loving Ransom for even the unrighteous. 6) My God and My Lord 7) The Way and the real "Light" 8) Provider of Truth and Compassion, and Mercy. 9) The One who will judge all usurpers of His Glory. 10) The One who gave the Sermon on the Mount, the most beautiful piece of glorious and inspirational poetry ever written.

    Amen.

  • talesin
  • skeeter1
    skeeter1

    Excellent! Thanks. We forget to have a sense of humor, and I appreciate your time and effort very much. It was great.

  • MrFreeze
    MrFreeze

    I think Farkel had posted these. They are hilarious.

  • Botzwana
    Botzwana

    Great! I will be reading this more in the future. I do not get the lisp thing though. Was that on a drama tape?

  • steve2
    steve2

    HILARITY: The instantaneous, sustained and pleasurable gasps of recognition in reading the Apostate's Glossary on the religious indoctrination I had once believed with the deadly seriousness of youth but now have happily rejected as the idiotic ramblings of brain-dead religious nutters.

  • trailerfitter
  • Farkel
    Farkel

    I wrote that about 12 years ago.

    Pretty good stuff, if I can say so!

    Farkel/Doug

  • Mary
    Mary

    I love it!!

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