MEN are turning to a life of carefree homosexuality to avoid the expense of wives and children, it has emerged.
A sharp drop-off in the men's grooming market has been linked to heterosexual men growing the thick facial hair which they believe will make them enticing to other males.
Civil engineer, Bill McKay, said: "With the economy unlikely to improve in the near future, there's no way I can afford nice dresses and designer chocolates, let alone the school uniforms and hefty tuition fees that are the eventual consequence of those bribes.
"Alternately, if I bag myself a hairy builder then not only will he have no interest in Cath Kidston products, but also he can build my extension for free while we share interesting sport-related banter and laugh at the Peter Kaye jokes in Nuts magazine."
He added: "I suppose we'd have to have sex at some point. I'd just see that as a healthy male challenge involving physical hardship, like kayaking."
Craig Williams, 40, from Glasgow, said: "Financially I think gayness is really the way forward, plus men don't have all those emotions like women do.
"And morally it's fine because apparently all my favourite action film stars are secretly homosexual.
"But other than growing a beard I don't really know where to start. My friend said gays have a secret mating whistle that they do by blowing onto a celery leaf.
"I think I'll just cut the arse out of my trousers and wander around until something happens.''