That's what the Watchtower wants OUT of you! Your confidence in yourself.
One can be confident about one's profession, or what have you, and still lack ultimate confidence in one's self.
Fairly recently I had a personal revelation and felt a connection with someTHING greater than me. As I headed out my driveway, after the morning it happened, to work I felt an overwhelming urge to call an elder in my old congregation. I consider him a dear friend and a mentor to this day. His wife is also Bi Polar II and my wife and I connected with them deeply on that level as couple to couple. Our perspectives were very similar except they were 25, or so, years older than us which was appealing to my wife and I.
He was the first person I thought about as I backed out of my driveway in my car that day. So I picked up the phone and called him out of the blue. It was pretty frightening to just do it like that and part of me wanted to hang up that moment and drive away. Yet, something urged me to stand firm and wait for a reply and, to my horror, he actually picked up his phone. I told him hello and got straight to the point. I asked to see him and said it was important. He had this really suspicious tone and asked "What do you want to talk about?" Or something to that effect. I told him that it was about "my place in the world and God." He replied with, "Well, that's a good thing." I then told him to come to my house at the end of the week (Friday) and he agreed. I didn't ask him to come alone, but it was kind of obvious I was calling him as a friend and not as a publisher. At least I had hoped that he would get that hint because I didn't want to just outright ask him to come alone. I have nothing to hide so I shouldn't be acting like I do.
That friday came and went and I to be honest I was kind of crushed. He just totally blew me off and never told me why. I remember that Saturday morning thinking: well, that was the try and the answer is clear.
There was a shroud of hope though, he was a flake. He could have just flaked out and still meant to make contact in an inappropriate time in the future which is what acutally ended up happening. It was a miracle and I felt pretty sheepish for getting all "emo" about it.
He appoligized for flaking like he must do so often; he's a busy man. A Jehovah's Witness Elder and husband to an ill wife scanario is pretty much a cruel and unusual punishment sentence. I have always felt for him and respected his want and drive to help others. Unfortunately the Watchtower has a huge pipe attached to his goodness and use the raw energy for whatever the f*ck they want. It reminds me of when elderly people get scammed in the mail because they get so wrapped up in the sob stories designed to get money out of their pockets. Instead, with the Watchtower, they make you errect buildings for them instead of just asking you to put a check in the mail.
So we rescheduled for the next Friday and he actually made it that time. We talked until 10:30 at night for about 3 and a half hours. I could tell he really sympathized with the position I was in. I figured he thought I was off my rocker because he knew how Bi Polar goes. And he has a valid point: I am crazy and anything I believe should be subject to scutiny.
I told him the whole story of my "revelation." I told him that I feel connected to God without the Watchtower. I told him that Jesus' greatest commandments require love of self in order for any of it to work. He understood this, but kept telling me that he hated himself. He told me that he could follow every rule God gave him unless it was to love himself because he feels he can never do that.
For the most part what happened was what I wanted to happen. I had a friend over. Why is this such a hard task? I like to talk to him and joke with him and his wife. We relate and have fun and I missed that. When he left he said he wanted to bring his wife by sometime. I was shocked, but then again not surprised because I know this guy is the real deal. He's a lover and not a hater, lol. I knew that he was just being nice and we both knew he would not return (unless with a judicial committee), but it's the thought that counts.
Love of ourselves is the ONLY thing God can't help us with. We are on our own in that single regard. If we start getting down on ourselves for our own reasons God doesn't have anything to do with that. It's ALL on us.
Witnesses have self confidence on loan from the Watchtower. My friend has none (anymore). The thing about my friend is that he was not born in. He came into the Organization in his late twenties (my current age). He had time to cultivate a healthy self confidence, but for whatever reason, he didn't feel he was doing it fast enough or good enough. So he let someone else have the reins. Not God. God doesn't spoon feed self confidence because he can't.