My dad wont make it too much longer, advise/experiences needed

Coffee House Girl

Hello all at JWN,

so my mom called to tell me that my dad wont be able to come back home, he has been on kidney dialysis (along with having congestive heart failure and diabetes and dimentia...) but now he is breaking down and will have to be admitted to a hospice center for the remainder of his time left (without dialysis wont be two weeks)

most of you know my situation, faded (not DFd or DAd) but most of my family treats me like I am disfellowshipped except my mom and she keeps getting warnings from elders to cut off dealings with me- my dad is inactive but as head of the household he demands that I be able to visit and take care of mom and dad (so my mom must be submissive to his wishes)

she has made it clear that she will shun me if I am DF'd and she does not know formally that I am seeing Coffee Shop Guy or that I am engaged

Do I just throw in the towell?? I would like Coffee Shop Guy there for support but yet don't think the timing may be appropriate to throw that on the fire-

None of the rest of my JW has spoken to me...what do I have to expect from them??

The elder that has hounded me in the past and who I have registered a "cease and desist" letter with is slated to do the funeral talk (graveside service)

What are your experiences??

Thanks for reading

CHG

serenitynow!

Wow, I'm sorry. That's a tough one, since you're not getting any support from your JW family. It may be bad timing to have your guy there with you. That will probably set off a chain of events. Is it possible to have someone else go with you, like a good friend? That way you would have someone there to support you, but not stir things up?

Broken Promises

Hi,

I am also not df'd/da'd but faded. I think the fact that your Dad has stood up for you in the past is in your favour, at least for now. You should feel free to visit him especially under the circumstances.

If you're asking about coming clean about your fiance and everything - I'd suggest leaving it until after your Dad dies and the funeral's over with. It's a stressful time for all.

I'm sorry that your Dad is going through this - I hope it's a peaceful exit for all concerned.

EmptyInside

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I lost my father a year ago to dementia.

Losing a loved one is never easy,but adding the rudeness of the rest of your family,it's an awful situation. I always thought in situations like this,that all the religion's rules were put aside,and everyone should be treated with kindness. This is a crises situation for heaven's sake.

I'm sorry,I have no advice. I only hope that your family can come together at this difficult time,especially for the sake of your dad.

journey-on

Coffee House Girl, so sorry to hear about this sad situation in your life. I hope you find the strength to do what you KNOW you want to do....be right there by your dad's side, show love to your mother and other family members regardless of their attitude, comfort them and stand beside them.

As far as the others (the JW fools), be cordial but aloof. Don't allow them to draw you into a religious discussion. They may THINK they have as much right as you (we all know what kind of attitude they display), but they DO NOT. You are the daughter and your blood trumps their perceived connection to YOUR family.....every time.

You can seek comfort from Coffee House Guy in private. No need to push this just yet, but let him know you need his words of encouragement and his understanding of the situation. This religion has a way of putting a dark cloud over everything.

My advice....don't sweat the JW fools for one second. Be there for your family and YOU show them what family bonds mean.

Jadeen

I second the idea of bringing a close friend along- it may help make your jw family behave themselves if an outsider is watching.

GLTirebiter

I'm sorry about your dad's condition, CHG. You, your family and especially your father have my sympathy.

The elder that has hounded me in the past and who I have registered a "cease and desist" letter with is slated to do the funeral talk (graveside service)

That could make it awkward for you to attend your dad's funeral. Did your dad request that, or did somebody else arrange it? If the latter, is it possible to ask him what his wishes are, so the funeral services will be as he wants them to be, or is it too late for that?

As for bringing CoffeeShopGuy--if your dad would be able to understand who he is and you think he'd be amenable to meeting your fiance, I say that's a good reason for your dad to meet him. Put yourself in your dad's position--wouldn't you want to know about the guy who's so important in your daughter's life? Make your decisions with your Dad in mind, not the others. It ain't about them.

flipper

COFFEE HOUSE GIRL- I'm so sorry to hear about your dad my friend. You certainly do need support at a time like this. So does your mom. I agree with the bringing of a close friend with you for support. Coffee House Guy will be able to support you in private. once your dad passes on then perhaps would be a good time down the road to let your mom know that you're engaged. My wife and I send our love to you at this difficult time. Hang in there. Sincerely, Mr. Flipper

jamiebowers

CHG, I'm so sorry you're facing the loss of your father. I can't imagine the pain you're feeling. But please remember that while you're losing your father, your mother is losing her husband.

Put yourself in your dad's position--wouldn't you want to know about the guy who's so important in your daughter's life? Make your decisions with your Dad in mind, not the others. It ain't about them.

GLT, while I agree with your sentiments, CHG's father may be very upset that her intended is not a jw. And if she's df'd close to the time of her father's death, her mother is going to suffer even further losses. Now is the ime for CHG to be with her family and lean on CSG in private.

Coffee House Girl

thanks for your quick responces everyone

serenitynow- thanks for your reply, you have a good suggestion (unfortunately, my best friend is CSG & I have "friends" but not on a intimacy level where I would ask them to take time off work & travel an hour away with me)....my brother will be there- he is a fader like me (read crisis of conscience & is also trying to heal from WTS) and he will be a great support

broken promises- thank you too, I also hope for a peaceful exit for him- he has been in so much pain I just hope they can make it comfortable for him...I think mentally he is ready to go. I do not know what his hopes for any afterlife are....he is a baptized JW but just went along to marry my mom in the 1950's

emptyinside- thanks for your reply...I never know what to say to others in these circumstances but it is a comfort to me to have people acknowledge some understanding on any level

journey-on- I appreciate your advise, I fear that JWs will say stupid things...but I am preparing a "broken record" responce to any foolishness- the only thing I want is to honor and respect my father and be there as a daughter for both of my parents- the rest of them can leave me alone- I hope my guy can understand that he may not be able to be there for me in person on this one...but I never doubt that he will be my greatest support

Jadeen- do JWs ever really behave???lol....I hope to remain calm and strong and give them no opening to get all preachy bout resurrection hopes and "you better do something if you want to see him again in paradise"

GL- thanks for your sympathies...my mom is the one making the funeral arrangements, she insisted on a JW service but I believe that because he is inactive they will not let her have it at the hall- so graveside it will be, my dad doesn't give a rats ass about it (he is just letting her have her way) so it will be interesting- unfortunately he is not really lucid to have these last minute conversations with.... dad did get to meet Coffee House Guy once when mom was at an assembly, it was a positive meeting and I'm glad we had that moment

Flipper- thanks to you and Mrs. for your well wishes, as always CGS and I thank you for your support....I will stick to the plan :)

CHG

My dad wont make it too much longer, advise/experiences needed

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