I completely forgot about this place until today. I had an epiphany two das ago. I must admit I was taking "legal plant food" and still have not gone to bed. Anyway taking a substance to just relax for the first time in my life(this does not include recreational use) made me realize alot of things. I had so many skeletons in my closet they were pouring into the room. For the first time in five years, actually forever, I felt that today was the day I get these things off my chest. I tell my girlfriend things that I never expected to tell anyone ever even if I was dieing. What a relief!
I really felt that WT was a cult for the past few years but I just went to http://www.jwfacts.com/watchtower/sitemap.php . And for the first time I read with an open mind. OH MY GOD!!! I feel completely devastated and feel completely lost. I must say I was brought into the FALSE! , feels great to say that now, when I was 5 years old. My parents were very poor and I was one of the only white people in my neighborhood. For some reason, actually I know the reason now mind control!!! I can't seem to remember much anymore. I am 34 years old and this started when I was in elementary school. Anyway as anyone from any race knows moving to an area where you are the minority is horrible. In addition to being called whitey and cracker which really offends me and should offend blacks as well, seeing it's short for whip-cracker, on top of that I am in some new religion just took me away from a decent catholic school and thrown in some school were I'm completely different. A recipie for disaster. I don't even remember how many fights I got into, and of course I couldn't take a self defense class. Why fight when you can turn the other cheek and get a two-for. Anyway My parents were beyond strict, the beatings were real grown man fists pummeling a little boy while his little brother watches crying, not because of what I'm getting but for what he's about to get. What horrible offense did we do to earn such a beating you may ask? Why falling asleep in the meeting of course!
The competition for holiest started early in my congregation. Of course my parents threw me into the lions den Right after the first young one decided to give it a try. Public speaking is the number one fear even over death I read or heard somewhere. And due to my memory I can't even remember when I started, but it was deffinitely young I think I was like 7 or 8 if I remember correct. Of course I get assigned to the main school. I get up and have no idea how to adjust that stupid podiem thing, I'm frantically trying to get the thing adjusted and I think someone was kind enough to adjust the mic. Theres a stepstool I have to stand on and I'm opening up the big bible trying to get my papers in order. Then I look at the crowd, that's when the panic stes in. All I want to do is go home but if I do that not only will I get a beating at home, my dad would oftentimes bring me into the bathroom for a public flogging sometimes even in front of my so-called "friends". Anyway once I start speaking it's obvious that my voice is trembling, but I pull it together and get through it with no mistakes. This damn elder tells me I did good but have to work on timing, because I was like 20 seconds off! How dare they judge a little child in front of a whole congregation like that! I got baptized at around 11 or 12 and that was nerve wrecking as well. Needless to say I was doing what I had to do to make it into the new system right! The 80's were horrible and the 90's were even worse.
The beatings went on my entire young adult life until one day my father chased me with an oak snack table. I immediately picked up two knives from the kitchen thinking this is it, he's finally going to kill me! He edges towards me yelling drop the knife while I'm pleading no please leave me alone you going to kill me with that thing, I'll leave! No obey your father he says, I say nope I'm done getting bullied by you. This infuriates him and he swings and cracks me in the back of the head. The only reason I got hit in the back of the head was because we lunged pretty much at the same time. This was the first time in my life I felt bad for my father, I stabbed him in the back pretty deep and the dr's said it was a fraction of an inch from his heart. He had to leave the hospital to come drop the charges in person or the DA was going to press charges against me. My parents tell me to thank Jehovah for protecting my dad. Isn't it insane that everything good that happens to Witnesses they thank Jehovah and blame Satan for anything bad that happens? Well this time they thanked Jehovah and blamed Satan for the same thing!!! How is that even possible? anyway before then my entire childhood was just horrible, guilt, guilt and more guilt. anyway I'm 20 or 21 at the time and I have to be out in 1 day. Now me and my Dad have somewhat of a decent relationship. I feel it's only out of fear of me, since that's what sheep seem to thrive off of. Nowadays he's a nervous wreck. He hears voices and is extremely paranoid about everything. He can't get more than 4 or 5 sentences out without going back and retelling the same old tune... "I'm so sorry I was so rough on you guys but I did it out of love!" It seems all Christians have a warped view on what love is. They forbid gambling but we are here due to a bet! If there really is a god how could he let all of us suffer for years and years due to a bet presented by the devil?
Anyway after reading the articles with an open mind I was so shocked to see how I have every single sympton in the children raised in cult categories. I am currently on anti-depressents and am prescribed xanax which I don't use. The anti depressants seemed to help a tiny bit with my anger issues but now I am calling my Dr and am getting off all prescription meds. I am sorry if I posted any of this stuff before, I have no idea how to check posts that I made. Anyway even though I knew it was a lie, reading the cult descriptions and finally figuring out what's wrong with me is deffinitely going to help me progress into a healthier human being. I could use some friends now more than ever soPM me if you have any suggestions on what type of shrink deals with these issues! Thanks!