Questions from the Essay "Self-Identity and Growing Up in the Jehovah's Witnesses

by Reopened Mind 13 Replies latest jw friends

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  Reopened Mind

  The essay "Self-Identity and Growing Up in the Jehovah's Witnesses" by Marcela Sherwin was an interesting commentary on how being brought up as one of Jehovah's Witnesses affects one as an adult after they leave the cult. Only a small sample of ten adult XJWs participated in the survey. I thought it would be interesting to read the answers all of you would give to the same questions. How about it? Will you participate? The questions I have culled from the article are below.

  Survey Questions for Adults Who Were Raised as Jehovah’s Witnesses but no Longer Practice

  1. Were you allowed to make choices for yourself when you were a teenager? If so were your choices restricted to those approved by the WT?

  2. As a child did you fit in with the in-group at the Kingdom Hall?

  3. Were you part of a school team, yearbook, multi-cultural club or other extracurricular activities?

  4. Have you struggled with adjusting to the social norms and values of society after departing from the WT in your adult life?

  5. Have you struggled with making friends in your adult life?

  6. Have you attended counseling after departing from the WT?

  7. What effect has your Witness upbringing had on you, positive, negative, or a combination?

  I am a convert myself (converted as a teenager) so appreciate any insight you might share with what it was like growing up in the cult. I've read many of your stories and have difficulty relating to much of it. I raised my children in the WT, thoroughly convinced it was the best way to bring up my boys. My husband, TotallyADD, was raised in the cult by fanatical Witness parents. He has answered the above questions which I will post later.

  Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

  The essay in its entirety can be found at www.freeminds.org. Thanks to Randy for putting up on his site.

  Reopened Mind
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  Star tiger

  Hi,

  I always wanted to be a Royal Marine as my dad was, before he joined the Borg, that severly affected my self esteem as I was physically capable of doing it, I was good at sports, I have always been a lone wolf, didn't do A levels and now 23 years later I have gone into University, the oldest twat on the block even older than some of the tutors, no counseling, but I could maybe have benefited from it.

  I was studying in 2007, and then knew it was total rubbish, so many years wasted, no one will say sorry, so no closure, may the Jehovahs Witnesses get banned and then I will laugh!!!!

  Star Tiger
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  Coffee House Girl

  sure

  1. I had very limited choices as a teen (one choice)- choice to become a regular pioneer upon graduation from high school, that was the pressured choice & thus I told everyone that pioneering was what I wanted to do. I had no choice to date until age 18 (witnesses only). I had an 11 oclock curfew upon age 18 & I was not allowed to go out with a group of peers (other witness teens of course) before that age

  2. no I was not in the "clique"- I was a nobody because my dad didn't go to meetings so all the kids with both mom and dad in the truth avoided me, didn't invite me over, or talk to me at the hall.

  3. I also did not fit in at school because I was the witness kid who could not go over to anyone's house or date or swear or get involved in sports- I WAS A SOCIAL LEPER

  4.I do feel free to have my own opinion now that I am outside the organization, I enjoy being open minded to many ideas & I enjoy observing how mainstream society works- but I do still feel like an outsider looking in. I get panicky at the thought of going to a party or meeting a group of people socially- going to school and work is fine & I can interact with others normally but I still bring up my JW past often to people who have no idea what is involved in leaving the WT society.

  5.I have one friend, my fiance. I have trouble relating to people enough to have a desire to form a friendship- thus in many ways I still feel very isolated.

  6. Not personally for my issues leaving the WT, fiance and I did receive pre-marriage counseling where my issues were the main focus of many of the sessions.

  7.I do not think of myself as a good person because of my JW upbringing, I dont think I turned out any nicer than anyone else. Many of the things that I do that others percieve as good, upright, and responsible are the result of fear and following a set of rules- not because of a genuine desire to do good. I think that is an important difference between myself and other "good people" who are good and were not raised in a cult- they genuinely like doing good and feel good about being a nice person. I feel in many ways like a fraud (always have been).

  thanks...it did feel good to get that off my chest

  CHG
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  SirNose586

  1. Were you allowed to make choices for yourself when you were a teenager? If so were your choices restricted to those approved by the WT?

  Pretty much, I think most choices for fun or cool things had to be parentally-approved (and therefore WT approved).

  2. As a child did you fit in with the in-group at the Kingdom Hall?

  I didn't fit in entirely with the "in-group." We were cool, but it seemed I was always just one or two steps away from really being considered cool.

  3. Were you part of a school team, yearbook, multi-cultural club or other extracurricular activities?

  Yes, I was part of the chamber orchestra.

  4. Have you struggled with adjusting to the social norms and values of society after departing from the WT in your adult life?

  Yes, I do struggle from time to time with feeling entirely normal.

  5. Have you struggled with making friends in your adult life?

  I seem to be making friends just as well as I did before, so no, I don't struggle with that.

  6. Have you attended counseling after departing from the WT?

  No, but I think I should.

  7. What effect has your Witness upbringing had on you, positive, negative, or a combination?

  It's a combination; there were some positive habits I picked up from the JWs, but I feel like my experience was largely negative.
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  Reopened Mind

  Star tiger;

  Thank you for your contribution. My husband and sons also suffer with low self esteem as a result of being raised a Witness. TotallyADD laments that he would have really liked to have played football in high school. He would have been good at it. To this day he follows the Tampa Bay Buccaneers even though we haven't lived in the Tampa area for 8 years. Congratulations on going back to school. Hope that works out well for you. I went to 2 years at a local junior college and earned a degree in biology before being baptised into the cult. This has been of no use to me. So please finish out a useful degree.

  Coffee House Girl;

  I hear you saying you only had one choice to regular pioneer as a teenager. One choice is really no choice at all. We talked to our boys about going to Bethel. In hindsight I'm so thankfull that neither one went, especially after reading some of the horror stories of those who experienced life at Bethel. It's interesting that you said you were not in the clique because your dad didn't go to meetings. My husband and boys have said the same thing because they were elder's kids. Other kids were afraid they would get tattled on. LOL I, too, was socially awkward as a child. I think that was a strong reason why I began studying with Witness girls in school. I've had various conditional friends in the congregation over the years. Like you my best friend is my husband TotallyADD. I especially like that we are leaving the WT together. Coffee House Girl you have an authentic good personality which has nothing with being raised in the cult. I enjoy your posts.

  SirNose586;

  You were allowed to be part of a chamber orchestra? Was that in the day when there was still live music at the conventions? My father-in-law was a professional musician before he became a Witness and played bass in the orchestra.

  Reopened Mind
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  lisaBObeesa

  1. Were you allowed to make choices for yourself when you were a teenager? If so were your choices restricted to those approved by the WT?

  My choices were restricted to those approved by the WT. I felt as though I had no choices at all. I could not choose my own friends, how I spent my time, the music that I listened to...

  2. As a child did you fit in with the in-group at the Kingdom Hall?

  No. there were two 'in-groups': the wild double-lifers and the holier-than-you pioneer teens, and I didn't fit in with either of them.

  3. Were you part of a school team, yearbook, multi-cultural club or other extracurricular activities?

  I wanted to go out for sports and other things, but was not allowed. My parents did let me be in band, though. I felt like band pretty much saved my life in high school. (wow, that's sad! lol!)

  4. Have you struggled with adjusting to the social norms and values of society after departing from the WT in your adult life?

  Yes.

  5. Have you struggled with making friends in your adult life?

  Yes, very much so.

  6. Have you attended counseling after departing from the WT?

  Yes, but never specifically related to the JW stuff.

  7. What effect has your Witness upbringing had on you, positive, negative, or a combination?

  Negative.
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  lisaBObeesa

  I looked up the essay "Self-Identity and Growing Up in the Jehovah's Witnesses"...very interesting. Thanks for posting about it...I never would have seen it otherwise.

  I wrote an 'essay' (a long post on JWD!) on the same subject once upon a time.... My thoughts were that JWs raise their children this way in order to purposely (though not consciously) create identity forclosed individuals, because identity forclosed individuals make perfect cult members...

  http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/jw/friends/10438/1/Raising-Kids-to-be-Cult-Members
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  Band on the Run

  My family would never leave but they had much cynicism about the Society, not the teachings. My father was a bodyguard to Rutherford and Knorr. My uncles also served at Bethel. Their stories were heart wrenching. They ended up unable to fully embrace the society but still eager to conform. It was all they knew.

  My father tried to pull me out of high school to bag groceries. I was the valedictorian in the college track. Craving interaction with the wider world, I'd run away to NY and visited college campuses. OUr school was a ghetto one so we received massive funds that were largely wasted during Johnson's Great Society. The cultural component allowed me to see Broadway plays, the Stravinsky Festival at Lincoln Center, opera and ballet. There was no doubt where my soul's allegiance was. I spoke to the principal about going to a foster home to get away from my father. One of us was doomed to die. He died from my heart disease.

  We could breathe. I joined every club at school and became very active in Left?Liberal causes. Rock music was a big feature in my life. I remain a Beatle maniac. If I had been homeschooled, my soul would have died.

  I received a very generous scholarship to Columbia. My family supported me in my efforts. I always felt awkward with JW relatives. I was not encouraged but neither did they condemn me or withdraw love. Those years of adjustment tested my basic mettle. They were exquisitely painful. I clearly wanted no remnant of the Witnesses but my personality was greatly affected no matter my rational choice. It was very hard to go from urban ghetto to the training ground of world leaders. I assumed I had nothing to offer. I was only beginning to adjust when I graduated. Law school was next. I felt completely accepted and even important.

  My temperament is set for high social connection. The loneliness in the Witnesses was crushing. So many times I wondered why I could not behave and be a deferential good girl. Now I value that Christ set my needs higher. There has beem massive tragedy in my life but great joy and exciting events, too. Now it is hard to comprehend the girl I was in the Witnesses. I desperately wanted my parents to be right. They wre all powerful. Part of me still feels a little bit guilty but it is a miniscule part.

  I've worked for the U.S. Senate, the U.S. Attorney's Office and Wall St. besides being in the audience for countless rock concerts, esp. the Beatles. I attend jazz clubs, the opera, ballet, philharmonic, I know the Metropolitan Museum of Art,. Museum of MOdern Art, The Whitney, Guggenheim, and Frick like the back of my hand. Central Park is so precious to me. My friends are witty and bright doers. Overall, it is not a mind thing for me but something much deeper. I am a member of Episcopal churches. Grey folding chairs can send me into a tither.
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  RADHESYAM

  1. Were you allowed to make choices for yourself when you were a teenager? If so were your choices restricted to those approved by the WT?

  No my dad was a hardliner with the ol': "Until you're 18 you live under MY roof and follow MY rules" (needless to say I moved out long before I reached 18) and of course HIS rules were actually WTS rules. (I did secretly used to watch X-files...like many teenage girls- because david duchovny was so cute :-P )

  2. As a child did you fit in with the in-group at the Kingdom Hall?

  We didnt have in groups it was too cmall a congregation. I was the oldest "child" even in my teens, every0ne else was a few years younger - or over 25. So cant really comment for this one.

  3. Were you part of a school team, yearbook, multi-cultural club or other extracurricular activities?

  You KNOW i wasn't allowed ;-) .... but i DID sneak into lunch-hour activities such as I was head of debating team, i played indoor soccer and also took aerobics and (heaven forbid) yoga classes

  4. Have you struggled with adjusting to the social norms and values of society after departing from the WT in your adult life?

  absolutely.... in fact i stupidly joined anothr cult (a hindu one) thinking it would be completely the opposite but it was just the same.

  5. Have you struggled with making friends in your adult life?

  No I do this very well... all that TMS crap actually paid off. I'm great at meeting people and make friends everywhere.

  6. Have you attended counseling after departing from the WT?

  Yes many times

  7. What effect has your Witness upbringing had on you, positive, negative, or a combination?

  I would be lying if I said it was all negative - nothing can be totally negative.

  The positives are that I like to research things, I'm very well read, I like study.

  However the negatives DO outweigh by FAR: im terrible at relationships, i start things and never finish (basically everythign I do is like this), I'm a nervous wreck, although I make friends easily I can just as easily forget people and lose contact, Too many things to mention
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  itscrap&theyknowit!

  All of us have suffered in MANY ways.

  No choices, but to ONLY be a JW for the rest of your life....choose a menial/low paying career just to get you by so that you can pioneer or some type of skilled trade that will keep you stationary in your own territory....get married at the ages between 17-25, having no 'social skills' in adult life to make a marriage work.....no REAL livable financial skillls....never had a chance to fail at anything at a young age to be able to develop critical thinking skills one you did grow up in this system.....

  I would've been great in the political world somewhere on Capitol Hill debating Human Rights, or a fine lawyer/professor, a kick-a$$ architect or interior designer or even a Public Relations consultant in a grand corner office in Manhattan. My co-workers can't believe the skill level I have with litigation and debate (that, I do attribute to being a JW because we learned the art of arguing our case....). I was BEYOND talented as a youth with one of the most BRILLIANT MINDS that Jehovah has ever bestowed upon a human. I have seen MANY other JWs I had grown up with with the brain of a master to lead a corporation or even the country. But, those hopes and dreams of BEING SOMETHING or SOMEBODY were thwarted for the sake of living waaaay below the "specialties of higher mentalities" DUE TO THIS DAMNED RELIGION.

  I questioned why my parents would fall for such a cult....... My father NEVER did believe in this religion. He sorta/kinda was brought up Irish Catholic. He only did it because our Mom studied this crap as a teenager.

  Yes....cults like this NEED to be banned. I have to divorce just to give my own children a 'running start' in this world. Just so that they know they have the mental capacity to make decisions on their own.....TO LIVE A LIFE NOT CHOSEN FOR THEM BUT TO LIVE A LIFE THAT THEY THEMSELVES HAVE CHOSEN AND MAY GROW TO LOVE AND PROSPER.