How far will you let people go?

Lozhasleft

Reading the thread about people self destructing on here combined with some experiences of my own has set me thinking.

I seem to have developed an intolerance to any kind of abusive behaviour. Of course none of us should tolerate serious abuse, I do realise that. But whereas in the past and particularly whilst a JW I learnt to turn the other cheek or ignore as best I could any insults/sniping/snide comments from whoever fired them at me....now I simply cant.

Its as if I have 'found' that I am worth more...that its totally unacceptable, and I wont allow it. That sounds quite positive doesnt it?

But, maybe I've become a little extreme? I dont know. It results in my being very selective as to who I choose to have around me in my life, who I choose to trust with my affections. More than that, once someone hurts me I seem to close the door on them. I dont mean I dont forgive if people are sorry but if there's no evidence of regret or a reluctance to resolve differences, I just switch myself off, somehow. I'm not used to this feeling. I am used to going the extra mile, even if it affects me adversely. I cant do it anymore. I cant put myself in situations that disturb my emotions that way.

Freeflyingfaerie wrote a beautiful post about her feelings and she highlighted vulnerability. I think our time in the WTBS certainly renders us vulnerable...and to some extent I feel that people we meet can sense it, and those who aren't 'kindly,' possible indulge themselves by taking advantage of it. Are we now susceptible targets?

I'm currently reading The Four Agreements which was recommended on here by a poster... it contains some simple wisdom about how we handle life, drama, and pain.

Recently in a situation I actually said to someone 'No, I wont accept this. I have had too much pain already. I refuse to deal with anymore.' Thats how it feels.

I'm not sure that my 'new' attitude is healthy. Many people expect us to put up and shut up, for all kinds of reasons. I cant. Not anymore.

Can anyone relate to what I'm saying?

I'd appreciate some thoughts.

Loz x

ballistic

You are just getting a little older like us all, we don't expect childhood brawls anymore, but a little more respect. But with growing up also comes responsibility, so we wouldn't want to rise to being provoked for example.

Terra Incognita

"I seem to have developed an intolerance to any kind of abusive behaviour. . . . Can anyone relate to what I'm saying?"

I can relate to what you're saying totally!

I used to be the kind of person who would respond back to anal orifices and willful idiots with persistent logic and facts. I eventually learned though that ideas and opinions are not about the factual or the logical but the psychological. The willfully ignorant; the arrogant; the Bully; are simply incapable of being changed no matter what approach you take. At least 99% of the time.

My approach now is to take one or two punches but as soon as the third one comes I go wild. I explain things rationally, with a lot of attention to detail and factuality. But when posters react arrogantly right from their first response, I go into sarcastic mode. Depending on the subject, I still include reason and facts but I mix them with razor sharp sarcasm. Then the bully and/or idiot starts crying.

"I'm not sure that my 'new' attitude is healthy. Many people expect us to put up and shut up, for all kinds of reasons. I cant. Not anymore."

Not only do some reach the stage where they can't take it anymore but they shouldn't have stood up to it for as long as they have; me included. If we "put up and shut up" the situation will only worsen. If you do something, then the situation will worsen anyway. The reason is that some people have a sense of self entitlement and it's their intrinsic nature to be that way.

The end result is that we have two choices:

Do nothing and die. Psychically or physically. You won't be in control of your destiny.
Fight back blazing. No matter how much the situation escalates and how bad it gets, you will be in control of your destiny.
The result is; and this applies to physical combat as well; that even if you were to lose the war, you have depleted your enemy of resources and inflicted some damage. That weakens your enemy, making him more vulnerable to his next victim; should that victim choose to fight back.

serenitynow!

I'm actually a lot more laid back now than when I was a JW. As a JW I was often defensive, I think because of the things that I endured while a JW. It seemed that in the "Christian congregation" I needed to be very vigilant about my rights and feelings being acknowledged and respected as a "lowly" woman and a "fatherless child." Now that I'm not surrounded by that oppressive male-dominated group, I am much more relaxed.

I think that I am the direct opposite of a lot of people here in that respect.

Satanus

I can relate, totally. If i'm getting shit, i do something, confront it/the issue, totally ignore someone, or even totally remove myself. But generally, before i do any of those, i do a focused meditation on the person. It's a going into the subconscious in order to see the person, where he/she is coming from, wtf is going on. Generally, after i SEE, they treat me very well. I often see what is important to them, and give it to them. It generally seems the humane thing to do. This is more for the people in my offboard life, ie, everyday life, not here.

S

steve2

In my training, I notice that people who are tired of being taken for granted and used are very motivated to learn how to say, "No more!" as loud and clear as possible, For a while they perhaps overdo the self-assertion skills but it is all part of practising new behaviors and getting use to the sound of have a more self-assertive voice. After a period of time, they settled down a bit and are better able to sit comfortably with a wide range of responses to other people's behavior. Not every "No" needs to be absolutely firm and not everyone who tries to get us to do something we don't want to do needs to be given a scalding.

Love your progress and at the same time be open to ways to ease up on yourself and others when necessary.

flipper

LOZHASLEFT - Good thread, good points. As most of us know we were in an abusive mind control cult. So our minds were NOT our own, our minds WERE owned by the WT society. Now that we have our freedom to think on our own we can control who we let in our lives and how much we will take regarding abuse. Nobody deserves to be abused verbally, mentally, emotionally, or physically. So I too have a very low tolerance of people abusing others. If people do that towards others on my threads I confront them like a fly on dung.

Healthy debate and an exchange of ideas can be accomplished with mature, respectful interchange between people without resorting to being a jack a$$ . If a person can't help themself from being rude , then THAT person is the one who needs therapy or an attitude adjustment. Just my take

jamiebowers

In my training, I notice that people who are tired of being taken for granted and used are very motivated to learn how to say, "No more!" as loud and clear as possible, For a while they perhaps overdo the self-assertion skills but it is all part of practising new behaviors and getting use to the sound of have a more self-assertive voice. After a period of time, they settled down a bit and are better able to sit comfortably with a wide range of responses to other people's behavior. Not every "No" needs to be absolutely firm and not everyone who tries to get us to do something we don't want to do needs to be given a scalding.

My thoughts exactly, Steve2. I was hell on wheels when I first got out of the cult and still can be if under tremendous pressure. But the pendulum is pretty much in the middle now.

AGuest

Greetings, dear Loz, and the greatest of love and peace to you!

I don't know if it's age... the onset of menopause... or changes in my health (previously trying, but now quite good)... that has made me [more] impatient with "melarkey" than I've been most of my life. I am "suffering fools" less and less these days. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. But I don't commensurate over it as much as I used to.

That's because I have reconciled myself and my life with God and Christ... that I've done the best I can and will keep on doing the best I can... but if for some reason I "lose" the life "lottery" (metaphorically speaking)... I'm okay with that. Because I don't serve God and Christ because I'm "afraid" of them and think they'll eternally punish me if I don't. I do it because I love them (I love them because I know them)... and so don't live my life in such fear... of offending them... or others... any longer. They... and others... will either forgive me when I "transgress" or they won't.

I can live with either.

Great thread (thanks) and peace to you!

YOUR servant and a slave of Christ,

SA

Farkel

Jibberish. What exactly, are you trying to say?

Farkel

How far will you let people go?

Share this