Hey Dim,
You and I have a similar story. I started drinking at 15, cause of childhood memories. I was supposed to be baptized at this age and had a meeting with the elders to 'qualify'. They asked if there was anything I was doing that prevented me from getting baptized, laid the guilt trip on me, as being a good little j.w it worked, I confessed. I was then basically pushed out the door by them and the two weeks I rung around they said nothing. The sister I studied with asked if I'd been sleeping with my brother-in-law as he was the one I was getting pissed with. THAT was the last straw. After having a bitch in the congregation cause problems for me and a poor bloke called Troy, she liked him, found out I did and he liked me, got jealous, and caused a whole lotta shit for me. Then the elders condemning me for drinking while their saintly kids where all having premarital sex (baptized) and one fell preggie's out of wedlock, then this supposed sister, an old friend of the family btw, who'd tried on several occasions to sleep with my grandfather, she and my grandparents were close knit once. She even had an alcohol problem, so she couldn't preach to me. Get this, she reckoned she got drunk one night, cause a russian friend, who'd stayed with them liked to keep a glass of voddy in the fridge, she thought it was water and skulled it down. Maybe I shoulda used that excuse with the elders.
So I left at 15. But recently I've started studying again, won't go into the reasons, and don't roll yer eyes!!!!!! I'm not incorrigible!!! So I've turned to pot, as alcohol really makes me sick these days (stuffed my tum at a work xmas party, very embarrassing, very long story, very red faced thinking bout it). Anyways pot helps with depression. So I think anyway. And I told the sister I study with that I have this prob, I feel guilty, (they always make me feel like I'll never be good enough) and that I wanna stop for the sake of my spirituality. She told an elder, who told me to stop, gave me some articles on it, read a scripture and told me I need to keep clean if I want to go out witnessing. I thought I was clean. I'm neat, tidy, hair's always washed and brushed, don't have bad breath (can't say that for some bro's though), bath twice a day, try not to swear, try, and well live a modest life. I thought I covered all the cleanliness mentioned in the bible. Yes I was told I was inviting spiritism as well. But they don't understand. I told the elder I had depression cause I was abused by a j.w and he looked at me horrified. They don't understand. Why? Even a stranger can understand where I'm coming from, and a 'worldly' one at that. These are supposed to be compassionate, caring, balanced-viewed people.
And you're asking, I know, why the hell have I started studying with them again for. Well, I can't answer, except, I feel it's right for me, my conscious has always nagged me - guess I was a well trained witness huh, and I need some anchor in my life. I've bin drifting like piss on the wind for 10 years, getting sick of it. Other religions don't satisfy me, ok, I did witchcraft for years and studied the occult, was fascinated, the jw's tweek your curiosity and well I couldn't resist, I became a goth. Then there was reincarnation for a while and I ever dabbled in satanism, but could never find my niche. And I can't swallow what other christians teach, sorry. But I can swallow the jw's you ask???? Yup. Can't explain why.
Sorry, I'm nattered on for ages here. If I can still be in a religion and feel disillusioned about the people (not the truth itself), I figured there must be more of me out there. Is there?
