help appreciated...any success or failures at truly conscious efforts to make new friends after a life in jwland? As a very social person i still only seem to have ex-dubs as my new friends...

by oompa 28 Replies latest jw friends

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  oompa

  as a jw...at least if you were social...you could walk into about any hall and find other social jw's you could become friends with...yes they are conditional...perhaps more so than other friends, but i did have some great friends there and i still miss them. since my wake up....then departure....now df status....i realize that i have had only seven or so real friends and five were found here..... five are fairly local, one is far away, and one is an old high school friend i have reconnected with (lives a thousand miles away).....and i have met some nice people through these friends but they are more aquaintances than close friends

  the bar scene did not really get me anywhere with guys or girls...and i tried meetup.com but as of yet have not connected with anyone....so what worked for you? i have heard some do volunteer work and i did have a good morning picking up trash on the roads with neighbors once but again nothing developed. i kind of wish i still had kids at school...i feel that would have made it much easier to make friends. and i know for sure it would be easier if i worked for a company with normal co-workers instead of being self employeed...you can only get so close with your own employees although i do hang out with a few of them.... i think my situation is made way more difficult by having a hardcore jw wife who is not social at all but still has her network of jw friends who of course shun me....it feels awkward as hell to try and make friends locally when your partner is like a ghost that you may never even talk about...

  i think everyone who leaves this religion in one way or another struggles as to their direction in life....maybe there is a real crossroads we face....how long do we stand at the intersection trying to decide? sometimes change is good but it can also be hard...or very hard...or very expensive when it comes to divorce....

  and it makes me sick to now realize more than ever how many people are stuck in marriages they wish they were out of but for many reasons stay in it...sometimes it is for the kids....for insurance...basic companionship....for the house....for retirement/finiancial reasons...or maybe just fear of the unknown....and i am not ashamed to admit that...or maybe i am.................oompa

  i may have tried to set a record for longest title line....not sure if it will all post even
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  Found Sheep

  I have struggled with this too. I have made friends mainly at work and my neighbors... I feel abit socially aquward.
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  Violia

  That is why churches are successful in small towns and such. They provide instant community.
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  watson
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  OUTLAW

  Good morning Oompa!..

  Life is alot different in the outside world eh?..No instant "Pretend Friends"..

  In real life you have to work at building relationships..

  In WatchTower World everyone is your friend but,you never really have any real friends..

  As you have found out,they will all dump you in a heartbeat..

  Just keep working at it..

  Too bad your so far away..I could drive you Crazy,in Person..

  ...OUTLAW
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  oompa

  i have one other couple that is local i consider friends (lite version)...he used to rent from me years ago and we stay in touch...and i went to church with them once...a big modern casual church and they are both kind of into it...the music was great but as an agnostic now i really did not fit in nor did i enjoy it....it was still too much like jw land....esp the skits!!!!....omg assembly flashback nightmares!!!

  and i have been to their house a few times but i always feel like the fith wheel as they always have other couples over...

  maybe it really is impossible to truly replace your lifelong friends and i just need to accept that....but that should not mean you can not find good friendships....
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  Coffee House Girl

  I can really relate oopma, it has almost been two years now out- being raised a JW made me very socially awkward...thus starting all over is really hard for me.

  I have connected on fb with some ex-JWs but we dont go out or anything, this site is excellent for me to get things off my chest and have people understand where I am coming from (but we are all just little avatars on a computer)

  College is a way for me to talk with others, but when the simester is over...everyone scatters and I don't seem to pick up any friends that way

  I am signed up to volunteer at a local art museum, I hope that will be a lead to meet people

  I have coffee shop guy who is a real friend but other than that all I converse with is co-workers (and none of my past coworkers hang out socially after work hours)but.....

  I moved to a new town where no one knows coffee house guy or myself and I just started a new job today. I am looking forward to a fresh start with people who know nothing about my past...maybe as a new person I can become someone who behaves more normally :)

  I think when I meet someone that I could connect with as a friend I will just have to muster up the courage to ask if they want to meet me for coffee or something (but I feel wierd like I am asking them on a date or something)...I suppose we have to just grow a pair and put ourselves out there- make the first move and ask "do you wanna be my friend?"

  best of luck!

  CHG
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  OUTLAW

  and i have been to their house a few times but i always feel like the fith wheel as they always have other couples over.....Oompa

  Give me a couple hundred dollars..

  I`ll find you a Date..

  

  ...OUTLAW
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  rocketman

  I know the feeling - 30 years as a jw, and I'm left with just one jw who still has anything to do with me (I'm not df'd, just inactive). When you leave, they treat you like dirt and we all know how that goes.

  I have made friends with a couple of people at work. But even that takes a lot of effort. Most people at work are your friends by means of work only - once the whistle blows, so to speak, it's hard to carry those friendships over to after-work activities.

  The whole process is not only difficult but also humbling. Making friends often means you have to initiate over and over again. I find that to be the case, and I sometimes wonder how many actual friends I'd have if I waited for others to initiate things. And even once you make friends, you will likely still be the one who often needs to initiate.

  But as the saying goes, in order to have friends, you have to BE a friend. I try to keep that in mind and find myself repeating it often.
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  gutted

  The main thing is taking initiative and finding common interests.

  The few good friends I've made at work, and actually hang out with outside of work, we have common interests (music/jamming/going to shows). First I've worked on being friendly to everyone and simply saying hi. From there I try to be open to conversation, though it can be hard. Sometimes people will invite you for a coffee or drinks after work, go! Also go to as many company sponsored events as you can, like the Christmas party.

  Once I found some common interests then I invited those people out for a drink. Those people know people, and you might make friends with them, who knows.

  Be open to any possibility, but tied to none.