my mind is screwed has anyone ever felt like this?

by deservingone26 12 Replies latest jw friends

  • deservingone26

    My mind is screwed. I am so messed up and there seems to be nothing I can do I can try to be as positive as I want but it always comes right back to this! Right back to me hating myself. I dont know what I want I dont feel like I have a place in this world I dont want to be a witness, I dont want to pursue a life of wealth and prosperity. I want nothing I just want happiness but I dont know how to be happy. I want my family but I dont want to go back to the witness world i cant convince myself that it is the truth and how can i witness to others if i dont believe. Im constantly looking for happiness everyday and the only thing that fulfils that for me is food so I spend at least 20 dollars a day at least or more each day on food. All my money goes to quick gratifications. Food, alcohol and sometimes drugs. I have a hard time saving money and I dont want a nice car or house. I have an old car and an old apartment. I have debt out the ying yang cuse I use to like things like nice tvs and laptops and nice clothes but now I dont. My confidence is very low I dont ever get with women because I dont feel like I have nothing to offer. I feel like I am a very boring person. And I feel like others feel the same way! In fact they have told me I am boring plenty of times they have told me I have no personality and I am like that donkey from winnie the pooh. I suck at life! Ive been told that as well. I dont know how to convince myself otherwise. I use to feel like I would get confidence with alcohol but not anymore I just feel stupid and more depereseed. The only thing that make me happy is music and the only talent I somewhat have is the ability to some what sing. I hate being negative but I cant push the negatives thoughts away!

    sorry if this doesnt make complete since i am somewhat drunk now

  • Retrovirus

    deservingone26, it sounds like depression, and depression can be treated. Get a referral to a good counsellor!

    Also, I've never been a jw, but do know that the stress that you are under must be immense. You don't have to carry it alone. Getting help is as sensible as getting an infection treated before it worsens.

    Whatever you do, it will take time but it will get better. You are not without personality or boring ,everyone seems boring while they are depressed. That will change, and you can become whatever you choose.

    You are as valuable and important as any other person on the planet.

    Take care of yourself through this hard time and keep in touch here!


  • prophecor

    Hey D. I know the outcast feeling, well. The Misfit Syndrome. It unfortunately cames from having believed I had the only true religion in the universe, only to have the rug pulled out from underneath me. Nothing really matters when you're disillusioned by the very thing that kept you safe and secure from the big bad world. And yes, it is fraught with problems, but it can be a connect to seperating yourself from yourself. You like music? You can take up an instrument. Go to the places and find where the folks are who love the things you'd like to do.

    Community is a key to getting out of your own way. I have a friend, for instance, who runs a small neighborhood garage. There's a group of us who just love cars and hanging out with each other. None them are or were Witnesses. They're just ordinary folk. They have thier issues but we try to be supportive of each other. A very small group but I've found in life you only need a couple of decent folks in your life to bounce energy off of each other. Takes time to cultivate friendship but the price you pay makes up in the long run.

    Hope you'll rest well. Shalom. Art

  • sizemik

    Well your post wasn't boring for a start!

    And there's a personality of color and value showing in your words deservingone . . .

    I could be wrong but you may well be suffering from clinical depression . . . which means your perception of yourself is a result of THAT and is NOT founded on reality.

    There's always some who will reinforce your negativity . . . in order to feel better about themselves . . . and those opinions tend to stick and get replayed again and again when your feeling as you do at the moment.

    I'm just coming right after grappling with mental illness for 7 years after leaving WT. Your expressions have a solid ring of familiarity to me.

    Did you know that alcohol is a depressant? . . . the temporary relaxation and escape it offers has a long-term effect of compounding a depressive state.

    Also . . . mental illness is hard to recognise, but strikes a significant proportion of those having issues with, or exiting WT

    Have the courage to take your concerns to a medical practitioner . . . I did, and it was the best move I ever made.

  • deservingone26

    thanks everyone i write here cuse this is like my counseling when i feel down and out i feel like there has to be some words that can be said to make me feel better for the moment and your words have made me feel better tonight but as you look thru my posts you will see my mind changes often but i do want to get counseling Ive only spoke with a counselor once when I was in the emergency room for having a panic attack, it is nice to vent and air out your feelings and hear others perspectives I really need to work on getting started on this counseling thing i have the money!

  • tracylee

    The JW org really mind-f*cked me too. (sorry for the crudeness, I really can't think of a better expression).

    If I could, I'd give you a hug. I've definitely been in your shoes.

  • sizemik

    Good for you deservingone . . . that's what this place is for. As things improve (which they surely will) be sure to persue your love for music.

    My 3 young sons are all musical and play in bands and jam together. Funny thing . . . they are always grizzling about how they can never find a half decent lead vocalist! There's opportunity for you there. Check out the muso clubs around your style of music and tell them you can sing . . . you might be suprised where that will take you . . . maybe a hell of a good time doing something of value with people who value you. . . a good measure of happiness can be had there.

  • the max
    the max

    Hey man, that could be me your describing, or for that matter any number of people your describing, and not just on this forum.You are suffering from deppression. Its my guess your self medicating with alcohol, and to a lesser extent food, as you are already aware this isnt working, and it cant work. Put simply you have an imbalance with the chemicals(NURO TRANSMITERS) in your brain, and no amount of food and alcohol, can alter that fact, you can mask it to an extent, with booze, but you need to restore that imbalance,as i mentoined above.

    Im not a GP but I suffer from deppression, and have done masses of research.I have been trapped in the vicious cycle you have described above, My suggestion to you is you probably need an SSRI, type drug to elevate your levels of seretonin,(the feel good drug) in your brain.Though you should see your GP, about this, Fluoxitine also known as PROZAC.

    Another big help, will be adopting a healthier lifestyle, bin the junk food, try to reduce your alcohol consumption, and start EXERCISING, loosing a little bit of beef, and regaining control of your eating habbits, will boost your self esteem.

    Take steps now, the longer you leave it the more you will suffer, If I can be of any further help dont hesitate to get in touch,All the best.


    I would give you a hug in person if I could, deservingone. And you are correct, in that you are a deserving one. You deserve to be happy just like anyone else. And you can be. However, you may need a little help to get back on track. There are some good suggestions above. I hope you will take them to heart. Perhaps there is also a confidant close by that you can share your feelings with? Someone you know to be trustworthy and has your best interests at heart?

    I've been very depressed in my life, and although I never went to a professional, I most likey should have. Ain't no shame in it. But what I finally had to do because I didn't go to one, was change my life. I had to change it almost completely, no matter how hard it was. I up and left the Truth, all my friends, many whom I loved more than family and lived my life as me and for me. That is what worked for me. You may be different.

    The point is, please take some kind of proactive steps even, to slowly turn your life around. You can do it deservingone. I KNOW YOU CAN! Find that inner strength and awesome qualities you have inside. Dig deep if you have to. They are there. Build on those. Tell youself everyday of those great qualities and add to them.

    And, I admire you. I wish I could sing. Honestly. I love to sing, but doesn't mean I'm any good at Still, it's what makes me happy, so who cares, right?

    You go find you again, and alighn yourself with good, trustworthy people. Telling your honest feelings takes a lot of courage, and I thank you for trusting us on here to share them with. We only want what's best for you, DESERVINGONE

  • jwfacts

    Sorry to hear how you feel. I went through a very similar period when I was confused and not sure how to get out of and over the religion.

    If you can afford it a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist would be great help. At least try to get some free information about it online. It is very helpful in learning how to teach yourself to change those thought patterns into positive ones.

    As bad as life may seem, it is possible to find positive aspects and joy in it. As boring as you feel, many people are just the same and you will be able to find other people that share similar interests, and want someone like you to chill with, if you give yourself the chance.

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