My mind is screwed. I am so messed up and there seems to be nothing I can do I can try to be as positive as I want but it always comes right back to this! Right back to me hating myself. I dont know what I want I dont feel like I have a place in this world I dont want to be a witness, I dont want to pursue a life of wealth and prosperity. I want nothing I just want happiness but I dont know how to be happy. I want my family but I dont want to go back to the witness world i cant convince myself that it is the truth and how can i witness to others if i dont believe. Im constantly looking for happiness everyday and the only thing that fulfils that for me is food so I spend at least 20 dollars a day at least or more each day on food. All my money goes to quick gratifications. Food, alcohol and sometimes drugs. I have a hard time saving money and I dont want a nice car or house. I have an old car and an old apartment. I have debt out the ying yang cuse I use to like things like nice tvs and laptops and nice clothes but now I dont. My confidence is very low I dont ever get with women because I dont feel like I have nothing to offer. I feel like I am a very boring person. And I feel like others feel the same way! In fact they have told me I am boring plenty of times they have told me I have no personality and I am like that donkey from winnie the pooh. I suck at life! Ive been told that as well. I dont know how to convince myself otherwise. I use to feel like I would get confidence with alcohol but not anymore I just feel stupid and more depereseed. The only thing that make me happy is music and the only talent I somewhat have is the ability to some what sing. I hate being negative but I cant push the negatives thoughts away!
sorry if this doesnt make complete since i am somewhat drunk now