Fiance's Mother is a JW

by Theseus 15 Replies latest social relationships

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  Theseus

  You’re all right, a bit more clarification is necessary. My fiancé broke away from JW years ago, went off to college etc…Her journey took place long before she meant me and she went through the hardships that one must in order to be a free thinking individual. I was nowhere near the picture at the time. She is very intelligent, is graduating with both a Biology and Chemistry degree(I mention this to give credence to her rationality and understanding of science and teachings outside of religion) and she actively engages in all types/kinds of behavior that JW would greatly frown upon, with little effect on her conscience about it.

  It seems obvious she knows that the Watchtower is incorrect. Of course there are lingering psychological issues that may arise, her confidence in herself etc…which are perfectly normal for anyone no matter what religion/background you break away from. They never teeter on reversion or anything close to it. She is not a JW in any sense of the belief system or association. I know for certain, as certain as one can be of another’s heart and mind.

  My fiancé is indeed charming, but her relationship with her mother is complicated. She is not susceptible to joining the clan, but of course would love it if there were a way to build a healthy relationship with her mother/father without the umbrella of disapproval from them. Sadly, as is the case with most ideologues, this relationship may be a pipe dream.

  As for completely writing her off simply because of her in-laws being JW’s, I have to highly disagree with this line of thinking. This is the greatest relationship I’ve ever been in. My fiancé has become such a loving, strong, and emotionally intelligent person. I’d just like to remind that I have also, myself, broken away from a religious upbringing and joined the Church of Reality. My parents still hold true to their ways and the last thing I would want is for someone to judge me for what their beliefs are.

  There is the possibility that they will be disfellowshipped, I don’t know how they navigate the situation in their Kingdom Hall. I can only imagine that they don’t give the whole truth to the ‘Elders,’ so nothing is on the line for them yet.

  As for the hardships, yes, of course there will be some. But I’m also a rational human being capable of navigating murky ideological waters, necessary to facilitate dialogue between two parties. Yes, I’ll never take on JW’s beliefs or of any particular ‘world religion,’ and the differences between my Fiance and I’s thinking will be stark, relative to our in-laws. But growth is required from them in order to be able to take part in their sons/daughters lives, not just I. And you can understand how both my Fiance and I have become accustomed to ‘going it alone’ and not really needing the approval of others in order to feel confident that we are good, loving people trying to live the best life we know how to, figuring it all out along the way.
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  leavingwt

  I’d just like to remind that I have also, myself, broken away from a religious upbringing and joined the Church of Reality.

  Please, please read the book above that I've suggested.

  Watchtower is not simply just another religion. It's a destructive, apocalyptic, high-control group in which people have been stripped of their ability to think for themselves. Heard of Scientology? Waco? Jim Jones? <------- Watchtower is not so different than these groups.

  Proceed with caution.

  Has she told you exactly what her mother thinks will happen to your (future) children at Armageddon, which will happen as early as today? She thinks that Jesus will kill them. Isn't that special?
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  troubledfiancee

  Hi Theseus,

  I sent you a Private Message. As you're a new member, to retrieve it click the mail icon at the top right of the screen. You may have to click the message once, then reload your browser and click it again - there have been problems with PM's on this board.

  I would not recommend that you leave your fiancé, but it is very important that you put some time & energy into researching the Watchtower. I’m in a very similar situation as you. I ignored her prior “religion” for a long time, and wish that I had taken her past and the organization she was raised in more seriously early in our relationship.

  As others have mentioned, JW’s are not a religion – as leavingwt has outlined, the organization is much, much scarier than your run-of-the-mill higher-control denomination. It will be vital to your relationship that today, as well as in the future, you do not underestimate the power of the indoctrination and conditioning that she went through during her upbringing. Unless your personal religious experience was like Waco or Jim Jones, you probably can’t relate – I certainly could not.

  There are hundreds of personal accounts on this board alone of individuals who have left the Watchtower, failed to do a critical examination of mind control tactics, the blatant discrepancies in Watchtower doctrine, and the history of the organization, only to return to the cult after 5, 10, 15 or even 20 years. The most common thread for those who return after long absences is women having children. Your fiancée may believe that she is doomed at Armageddon any day now, and she may be able to accept that today. But when/ if you have children, there is a high probability that she will be compelled to return so her (your) children can have everlasting life. Search “unbelieving mate”, “UM” and other such terms on this forum for some first hand accounts of what being married to a JW is like, or to what extent the organization will go to in an effort to win child-custody battles for the believer against the unbelieving mate.

  I would highly recommend speaking to some ex-witnesses, cult experts, or those who have done the research. I would be glad to speak with you, provide my reading list and web resources, but most importantly, I urge you not to underestimate the power of the emotional fear and guilt that many ex-witnesses experience, compelling them to return at some point. Lastly, I would strongly advise that you not to discuss the WT with her right away. Even as you begin uncovering all of the horrific and unbelievable stuff that goes on in the WT, don’t bring it up to her – You have to get a very solid evaluation of where she stands today before you begin discussing it with her. The first question to try and determine where she is presently: Does she consider JW’s & The Watchtower a cult? If she can't answer a definative yes, and explain why, the possiblity of returning is very high. My guess from your posts is that you may not even consider them a cult?

  Let me know if I can help in any way,

  TF
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  Quentin

  Good points TF.......welcome Theseus, there's sound advice being given, hope you take heed.
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  jgnat

  Welcome. I imagine there will be issues with the in-laws if you go on with your relationship, but that won't make you unique. Couples struggle with this all the time and work it out. I am more concerned that your fiancee is living back at home. While she lives under the roof of her parents, she is not completely free. There's also the physical distance between you two....

  There will be hemming and hawing by the JW parents if they can attend your wedding, if they can continue speaking to your daughter, if they can take their future grandchildren to the meetings, all sorts of silliness. If your fiancee can see through the silliness and keep her parents at bay, you should be all right.
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  garyneal

  Theseus,

  This does change the picture a little bit with your fiance having broke away, but the important thing still is whether or not she believes in it. Just as LeavingWT said, this is no ordinary religion. I was in the IFB churches about ten years before I met my wife and left them for more liberal / mainstream churches. Even then, I did not attend church very often afterwards so one could say that I was more spiritual than religious. So when I met my JW wife, I did not think much of her religion either and actually considered it just another Christian denomination. Much of what they said mirrored my old religion and I knew that I could never truly become a witness, besides, my old religion taught me that their religion was false. A statement that many other churches I attended agreed upon, so I admittedly had bias but I did give them the benefit of the doubt and studied with them.

  Some points to consider in case she still feels deep down that this religion is the truth.

  • Are you prepared to lose your future wife and children to death because they refused a blood transfusion that could've saved their life?
  • Are holiday and birthday celebrations for the kids important to you and or your extended family? If she becomes a witness, she will be told that these are bad and she will be expected to teach your kids that too.
  • If she decides to 'reach out' and become a pioneer, expect her to be gone a lot while she goes door to door. She will be expected to drag her (and your's) kids into this too.
  • If you object to her forcing her religion on your kids or her spending too much time being involved in it, she may take that as spiritual endangerment or at the very least her persecution complex will go in high gear. Mine told me one time that I was a pawn of Satan.