Hello Everybody!,
I'm new here, and although I have been a lurker for several months now, Its nice to finally dive in and join you all. I hope that I find some friends as thats what I'm really looking for, I've seen enough proof that theres real love outside of this religious prison that I've biult for myself over the years, but I would like to feel it firsthand. It's been a little hard to post anything since It's not easy being around in websites like these when you're still in and theres other JW's around sticking their noses everywhere, but now that I've found the time, I would like to share a bit about my story...
This is an email I sent Paul Grundy, (creator of jwfacts.com) and it basically sums up the story of my life... so I thought It would be good if you all had a read as well. It is a little lengthy, and so I both thank you all that read it and apologize also in advance...
Hello,
I would like to start off by saying that your website has helped me so much and even though I do not agree with everything 100%, I really do enjoy learning more about the reality of my current religion and would like to thank you for all the hard work you have put into this website. But that is not the only thing I wanted to write about... This is not just a thank you letter, but it is probably my last desperate attempt for help as I do not know what to do anymore... It might get a bit lengthy, but I feel that you are the only one whom I can go to now, seeing that I am incapable of telling anyone else I know my deepest thoughts for all of them are witnesses. So, here is my story. IN THE BEGINNING I was raised a Jehovah's Witness since I was 4 years old. My father was a Catholic but left the religion after seeing so much hypocrisy and wrong-doing in the church. My mother was also catholic but was not as opposed to it as my father, but they never argued about it, and so continued with their daily lives. After some time my father began to look at other religions as he was trying to find a new faith, and also a religion that actually "practiced what it preached." He went to several other churches as he tells me but was never fully satisfied with it all. He said that he then for some reason decided to stop looking. Then one day, everything changed. My father suffered a 19 ft. fall from a bridge that was being constructed and broke several bones including his left arm, his hand, a couple ribs and also punctured his left lung. I was only 3 at the time and had no understanding of what was going on, but it deeply affected my mother. My father almost died, but after several surgeries and a couple blood transfusions(he hadn't mentioned them until recently) he was well on his way to a safe recovery. He said that at that moment he realized that he was alone, for neither his family members nor his "friends" helped him during that time. Then he met an elderly man, who owned a local convenience store. My father was a regular customer and he noticed that he had been missing for some time, and when he saw him with a cast and in terrible shape, he offered his help. This man, was one of Jehovah's witnesses and took my father to every physical therapy session and everywhere he needed to go! He later told my father about his beliefs and invited him the meetings. Soon both my parents attended and after 6 months of studying with the man they got baptized. My father tells me that he was the only one who ever showed any real love, but looking back I believe that he was probably just trying to find more people to bring into the religion as after my parents became witnesses, he slowly stopped visiting and calling. He is in another congregation, and I sometimes see him at assemblies but I rarely talk to him and it's been years since my parents have done anything with him. Now that I think about it, it seems that my mother was the one that was never all that into religion, but of course, she always had to conceal those feelings and they would quickly diminish after reading some watchtower publications... that is how I used to deal with my problems with this religion. But now it has gone to far. GROWING UP IN THE ORGANIZATION You see, ever since I can remember, I was always noticed or viewed as "something else" in the congregation. As a child my parents would make me memorize a handful of scriptures and then I would recite them by memory to the brothers after meetings. I would also comment from my "heart" as they say and always be exited about going door-to-door. I had 5 good friends in the congregation that were my age and helped me not to care about hanging out with the kids in school. Of them, only one remains as an active witness. When I was around 11, I became really good friends with a brother who was in his early 20's. He influenced in me a lot because I could talk to him about anything and he was always teaching me new things about the religion and about life. He was the one responsible for a lot of the choices I made, including my decision to get baptized which I did at 14. He was always busy in the congregation with things such as talks to territories to sound. This is where I learned the most. I got very interested in sound and he would let me sit in the sound desk in the back with him during meetings to see how the sound system was operated. At one circuit assembly, I remember asking him how sound was operated there and he took me to the sound desk. He told the brothers about my interest in that department and they quickly took an interest in me. Eventually he moved congregations, but told the elders that if anyone was to do sound that it should be me and so I was assigned the job. I was very happy! Up until now at 19, I work in the sound department not only at my kingdom hall, but at several assemblies and district conventions and I believe it is because of him. Thanks to him I see most of the things the way I do today, and even though he is now serving as a happy married Elder in Colombia, I really wish I could be with him one more time to let him know how I am feeling. But working in the sound department and also behind the scenes is what I believe really opened my eyes to some of the truth. You see, brothers have this distorted view on certain things and brothers. They believe that it is all joy and happiness and that everyone at assemblies is always happy and that the organization is perfect and that the spirit of Jehovah is in the brothers, but the reality is much different. I have seen circuit and district overseers scream at brothers and break in anger, sometimes just seconds after they have given their uplifting talks to thousands, sometimes even teary ones at that. I have seen elders lie to one another, have ugly arguments and spread rumors about each other. Of course no one is perfect, but the level of hatred and coldness I see constantly is what made me start to have certain doubts about things. LOSING JOY I remember how I used to love going to the meetings, how I would listen to the dramas on cassettes and CD's and study the watchtower. How I would enjoy going to assemblies and listening to brothers give their talks and take notes and then read them later on my way home. But all of those feelings seem to have evanesced and dried up, for now I feel nothing for the meetings or the assemblies. And honestly, its hard when you've gone to the same assembly or district convention for 5 times and heard the same thing over and over again. You start to lose that "holy" feeling and begin to see the truth after the spiritual fog dies down. I remember that one time at a district convention, a member of the governing body was going to give the famous bethel talk and everybody wanted to be there. I was assigned to install the sound in the room before the meeting and had to remain inside until it ended. Everyone seemed to be going crazy about the GB member and everyone was hyped about the meeting, but I was tired and had already gone to the bethel meeting 3 times before so I wasn't as exited. Then when the time came for the meeting, loads and loads of brothers both young and old (which actually amazed me because usually only young ones show up for the bethel meeting) were rushing to the doors to squeeze in to hear this man from God speak. It was quite a sight to see. And I remember that when the GB member began his talk everyone was paying the best of attention taking notes and being on their best behavior. No one left to go to the bathroom or do anything, but I slipped out about 10 minutes in. I just couldn't take it. It was nothing I hadn't heard before and it didn't feel special at all. It was just another talk given by just another human being. So far I have met 3 of the governing body all from working in sound. Yet I never felt like they were special. I even had breakfast with one of them and his wife. Everyone was telling me how privileged I was and how special it must of felt but the truth is that it wasn't. It was rather boring. And the wife of this GB member seemed rather tired of being part the religion. I secretly recorded the whole breakfast and in listening to it again you can notice her frustration at being a witness. That really impacted me because it made me question even more of what we believe. HANGING ON A THREAD I am currently serving as a regular pioneer at my congregation. I serve in sound, pass the microphones, do the assignment sheets and work in literature. I am doing everything they want me to do. I preach everywhere all day and sometimes even till midnight. It has become monotone for me. I read the bible everyday, this, is probably the only thing I still enjoy, since recently I started reading it without the guidance of another book or publication and just read it by itself. I am an example in the congregation but I am not happy. After high-school I decided not to go to college after being bombarded by articles in the watchtower and brothers telling me about the negative effect that worldly education could have on me. I also had to turn down a well paying job because it required me to work mon-sun except Wednesdays and the circuit overseers visit happened to be during my first week of training and therefore I had to miss training in order to get all the information that Jehovah had "prepared" for me and because I would not be able to serve Jehovah full time, the job was deemed a trick by Satan. Because of this, I got very upset. My father told me that the elders and him(also an elder) were considering me as a ministerial servant and wanted to know if I felt ready to become one before the meeting took place. I said that I did not feel ready, much because of anger but also because I was not sure if this is what I want to become anymore, of course I did not mention this to him but kept it inside, just like everything else I am feeling and learning about. I recently started looking into the past history of Jehovahs Witnesses and I have been nothing but shocked by what I have discovered. What is worse is that not even my parents are aware of such truths that are right in front of their eyes and it is so sad to see how they are all blinded by the lies that the organisation feeds them. In short, I do not know what to believe anymore. I have had this secret hatred towards all religion except the one I made my own but now even this one is beginning to slide over to the other side. I still believe in God, I believe in Jesus and everything else the bible says, but I do not agree with much of what is being taught in the meetings. This has made me very scared and depressed, as I feel lost and confused and the only "help" or counsel I get is to study more, and preach more. LOOKING FOR A FRIEND I have been meaning to tell someone how I feel, and for a moment, felt that I could trust the only close friend I had left (the one mentioned earlier who is the only one left of the 5) but that was a mistake. I never told him how I felt but I did test the waters by telling him that I was scared and that I did not know what to believe in anymore and all I got was him telling me that I should talk to one of the elders because he can only do so much to help me with whatever it is I am going through. It's funny really, because this close friend of mine used to be a very worldly kid, who I brought into the organisation, and to see him doing everything I used to do makes me both happy and sick. The only other person I have shared my feelings with is a girl I met named Kristina, who is probably the only name I shall give in this whole story as she is not a witness. She is 16 going on 17, and moved to my state about 8 months ago, and started going to the meetings about 4 months ago with her mother and grandmother who are witnesses. We met at the meeting in the most unusual way. After seeing her several times, I never had time to talk to her for I was in the literature department and couldn't really talk to girls. But one meeting she looked at me and I looked at her and I told her to come over and she did. The first thing we did was hold hands. She said that she was nervous because the elders were just about to ask her questions to become a non-baptized publisher and all I told her was that It was going to be ok and that they didn't bite and that I would pray for her. After that we exchanged phone numbers and began to talk (or date as the watchtower puts it). We talked, and continue to talk on a daily basis and hang out secretly... her parents know that we do things together and think that there is nothing wrong with it, but mine do not know yet and I wouldn't tell them for they say it is wrong although I so desperately wish I could let them know for it feels so bad when your parents are so closed-minded. They have no idea how sick and tired I am getting of keeping things hidden. Anyway, I told her about how I am feeling and she said that she agreed with me in almost everything. We told each other how we felt about each other but how we did not want to date until after a couple years have gone bye and that we should just be friends with the hope of being together some day, and I can't say that its been easy but it is the only thing I look forward to. She is in short, my only real friend. She's the only one that understands me and I know it sounds cliched but its the truth. We talked about the act of disfellowshipping once and how un-christian it seemed. She said that it was one of the things she never understood about witnesses and that that was one of the reasons why she would not like to ever get baptized. I couldn't hold myself, so I told her that it would be better if she didn't. I felt bad, but at the same time good. It was a strange feeling. I then began to ask her if she would shun me if I ever got disfellowshipped and she said that she would never do that for I was the only real friend she had too. That made me feel so relieved inside because now I knew that I wouldn't be completely alone if I ever left. We spent a day alone together. It really helped me in more ways than one. First of all, we did not have sex or anything like that of which the watchtower says happens when two people of the opposite sex are alone together. We have very good morals and even though we might not believe everything the organisation says, we are not just these teenagers who can't control their raging hormones. There has never been any physical contact except for a handshake and a hug every now and then. Secondly, I realized just how much I was missing out on. I felt so glad that I didn't have to fake talking about the meetings or make something up about my future goals in the organisation. It was a new experience. We went all over the city and we just lived the day like normal teenagers. It was an amazing day that I will always remember. MAKING DECISIONS I have mentioned many things about my life but it all comes down to this. After much studying and researching I have come to the conclusion that I cannot be in this organisation my whole life. I have to leave at some point. How I wish that there was a way to show my parents the truth so that they could see for themselves how they have been lied to and deceived. You see, one of the only reasons why I am still going are my parents. The part that I need help with is this, what do I do now? I want to leave this religion. I can no longer be a Jehovahs-witness knowing what I know now. But I couldn't possibly be disfellowshipped and continue to live with my parents. It would be torture for both me and them. Like I mentioned before, I am jobless, and feel like I have no future outside the organization. Do you have any advice as to what I should do with my life? Should I wait a couple years, or should I just leave now? I really need help with this as I am completely lost. I have been suffering from depression from all this stress that this has caused me. I really need to know, and the fact that I'm writing to you took a whole lot of courage for as you know if any brother were to find out about this I would be called an apostate and disfellowshipped (I had to go to some serious lengths to do this). Anything you respond will be of great help. I need to know that there are loving people outside this religion I am in. I'm not sure if you have read this far, but if you have, then I thank you all very much! Like I said before, it was going to get lengthy and I apologize for that, but I just had to get all of this off my chest. Thanks again for your time! Sincerely, OneDayillBeFree