My daughter asked me why we don't go to meetings

by JWinprotest 22 Replies latest jw friends

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  JWinprotest

  Last night, completely out of the blue, my 6 year old daughter, asked my wife and I why we don't go to meetings anymore. She actually said that she misses them. I know, where have I failed!!!

  We were both kind of stunned and weren't sure how to answer it. After a few seconds my wife used the excuse that we're very busy with work and other activities so we don't have time to go. I whispered under my breath, "because it's a dangerous cult, and they hurt children honey".....that got me a slap on the back of the head by wifey. But then I told her, that if we go to meetings we have to stop doing a lot of the fun things that she loves, like bithdays, holidays, soccer, karate etc. She replied, "oh, is that why we didn't do christmas last time?" (This year was our first year celebrating with a tree and gifts.)

  My question to you is, at what age do I introduce discussions about the dangers of being associated with the org and going to meetings? I'm afraid that if I associate JWs with danger, she will think differently about her grandmothers who are both JW.The reason I ask this is because she will, most certainly, face pressure from JW relatives to follow the org (I suspect it has started already) so I need to counterattack.......but when?
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  miseryloveselders

  Wow that's crazy. Only amongst former JWs would a question such as why dont we go to meetings be just as awkward as where do babies come from, or whats sex?
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  blondie

  Does she have new friends to replace the people she associated with at the KH? Maybe you could set up some play dates or parties with neighbor children, non-jw relatives, schoolmates. etc.
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  Mr. Falcon

  JWinprotest..... I wish that you and your wife were MY parents!
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  nugget

  My children were 7 and 9 when we started our fade. We had the complication that our son has Aspergers and he would blurt out anything that excited him so we were always going to be walking a tightrope with our fade.

  We were open and honest with the children from the get go. I told them that we were concerned about some of the beliefs we had been following and that mummy and daddy were taking time away from the meetings to look into things just to be sure. We were lucky that our children did not enjoy the meetings and although our daughter missed some of her friends she did realise that the friendships were conditional and personally experienced this from someone she considered to be a good friend.

  We told them that until we came to a final decision we would celebrate holidays and take part in school activities so long as they felt comfortable doing so. Funnily enought they did.
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  JWinprotest

  Yes Blondie, she is an absolute social butterfly. She makes friends everywhere. We have kids from the neighbourhood over all the time. She attends all the parties she's invited to.

  I suspect the question was prompted from something my mom or my wife's mom may have said to her, a concern I expressed on a previous thread. Or it may be the increased number of visits we've been getting from elders, expressing how much they miss us and inviting us to the memorial. Or it may have been something we said to trigger her memory. In any case, other than last year's memorial, it's been almost 2 years since we attended meetings.
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  AudeSapere

  I don't think that you need to get into the 'cult' conversation at this point - if ever. *Maybe* when they are in their teens and you can talk about some other 'high-control-group' type religion. I would avoid the word 'cult' if you still have relatives 'in'.

  Regarding the why question. Saying that work is more important than god might be teaching wrong priorities.

  I think a better approach may be to do like nugget (and others in various JWN threads) suggested. Tell them that after careful thought and prayer, you are feeling uncomfortable with some things that are being done or taught. You think that maybe you were wrong to not celebrate the gift of life - and the gift of your children - so now you want to celebrate things like birthdays because you are so happy. You also want to spend more time appreciating nature, other people, etc.

  Admitting you were wrong and have now made a change, is a powerful example to your kids.

  I'm missing a key idea that someone else in your position had a few years ago. Hopefully others will give some more insight and suggestions.

  If she is missing a few friends, maybe encourage her to contact them. (Might not work if you are fading, as 6-year-olds are likely to blurt out things that you'd rather keep quiet - and you don't want her to have to censor herself too carefully.) Also, I fully agree with Blondie - help her keep making new friends and learning new skills and exploring new talents. Maybe do a little of this before contacting the JW friends.

  Good job!

  -Aude.
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  jgnat

  Education to abstain is not nearly as effective as positive, rewarding habits and traditions. I wouldn't criticize the WT directly but rather teach your daughter to critically analyze statements and reward her for independent thinking. Analyzing commercials and their claims is an easy way to introduce this to a child. Ask questions, don't preach.

  You need to build new habits and traditions to replace the old. Christmas is a good start. An annual Easter holiday out of town might be nice. Somewhere far, far away form grandma.
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  Billy the Ex-Bethelite

  Did you find out what she specifically misses about not attending? Likely it's the playing with friends before and after. Or maybe she somehow looked at it as time spent together as a family. Or maybe she liked getting dolled up for the meetings.

  I assume that she doesn't miss door-knocking or sitting still through boring meetings. Likely there is just some lingering positive memory that can be easily replaced. Or if she's still dreaming about a fantasy pet lion, replacing that with a real pet kitten is grounding her in real happiness that can be found now.
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  Mad Sweeney

  Tell her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

  ITSACULT! Teach her to be discreet about it but don't pull punches because you think she's too young. You know the grandparents and the Borg aren't going to.