Starting a joke thread - c'mon, join in!

by waiting 17 Replies latest social humour

• 

  waiting

  Henry and Jane were much in love with each other, despite many differences, including their religions. Jane was a devout Christian, Henry believed strongly in reincarnation. But the husband & wife both agreed on one thing - if either of them died - the other was to go to a spirit medium within one week so that their spirits could commune and assure the surviving spouse of their mutual love.

  Henry died tragically. Jane, within days, sat with a spirit medium who was trying desperately to speak with Henry. Finally, success! Jane was cautious speaking with Henry, "Are you alright? I miss you so much."

  Henry told Jane, "I'm fine, Jane! It's greater than I ever expected! I get up every morning face to the sun, eat a healthy breakfast, exercise, have sex, sleep, eat, have sex, exercise some, have more sex - this is really great!

  Confused, Jane asked her beloved, "Henry, is that what heaven is really like? A lot of sex?"

  Henry, "Heaven? Why, no. I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."
• 

  waiting

  Terrible Nightmare

  One night, George Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost. Bush asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country, now that I am elected President?"

  "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

  The nex night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country, now that I am elected President?" Bush asked.

  "Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government," advised Tom.

  Bush didn't sleep well the nest night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country, now that I have been elected President?"

  "Go to the theatre," replied Abe.

  Edited by - waiting on 6 January 2001 17:55:28
• 

  larc

  The newspaper man asked,"Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"
• 

  Venice

  Got this one today.

  One morning Al Gore and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant.

  The attractive waitress asks Gore what he would like and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
  "And what can I get for you sir?" she asks George W.
  He replies, "How about a quickie?"
  "Why Governor!" the waitress says, "how rude - and you're not even president yet!"

  As the waitress storms away, Gore leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced 'quiche'"

  Venice
• 

  thinker

  A not-too-bright man brings his dead dog to a vet and says "Doc, can you find out whats wrong with my dog?". The vet checks for a pulse and say's "I'm sorry, he's dead." The man says, "I'd like a second opinion!" So the vet brings a cat and a black Lab. in from the other room. The cat sniffs the dead dog and meows. The the Lab. smells the dead dog and goes "woof". The vet says, "That will be $300."
  The man shouts "$300 !!, Just to tell me my dog is dead?!?! That's outragious!"
  The vet replies "Normally, it's only $20, but that was before the cat scan and lab work."
• 

  Venice

  Here's a few

  Man get's a call from his doctor.

  Doctor "I got bad news, and really bad news which do you want first"
  Man"Bad news"
  Doctor"You've got 24 hours to live"
  Man"What could be worse then that"
  Doctor"I've been trying to get a hold of you all day!"
  ___________________________________

  Woman goes to the doctors and finds out she's going to need surgery, well she's very upset and says she wants an second opinion so he said, "Your Ugly too!"
  _________________________________

  Grasshopper walks into a bar orders a drink.
  Bartender says, "you know we have a drink named after you?"
  Grasshopper says, "you have a drink named Fred?"

  Ok sorry that was a bad one, but a tribute to a friend.
• 

  Kismet

  Venice: that grasshopper joke was a Kismet trademark (except his name was Irving) I am not proud of that but I found it a scarry thing that someone else tells that joke. shudder.

  Here's my contribution, apt for this Forum. I have many Jewish jokes too but most are funnier when you hear my Jewish accent!!

  *************************

  Did you here what happened when the teenages threw a bunch of oranges at the synagogue?? All the juice came running out.

  Okay this next one is better....
  *******************

  There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident.

  They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in

  heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows

  celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

  St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday."

  Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."

  A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, "I'm sorry to disappoint you but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request."

  This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year.

  In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00

  p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"

  The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven's denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.

  Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty. Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.

  The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, "Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take us to find a lawyer?"
• 

  larc

  Three very devout women died and went to heaven. Saint Peter met them at the gate and told them they would have to answer a question before they could get into heaven. To the first one, he asked, "Who was the first man who lived on the earth." She said, "That's an easy one it was Adam." The harps played, the doves flew and gates opened up and she went right into heaven. Saint Peter asked the second woman the following question: Who was the first women on earth and she said, "That's any easy one, it was Eve." The harps played, the doves flew, the gates opened up and she went right into heaven. The third devout women came up and Saint Peter asked her "What where the first words that Eve said to Adam." She thought and thought and thought and finally she said, "Boy that's a hard one." And the harps played, the doves flew and the gates opened up and she went right into heaven.
• 

  RedhorseWoman

  A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The
  man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where
  is the
  rake?"
  
  She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man yells louder, "I NEED
  THE
  RAKE."
  His wife still can't hear him and says, "What?" The man then points to his
  eye,
  points to his knee, and then makes a raking motion.
  
  The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to
  her
  eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and
  finally to her crotch.
  
  Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.
  Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin hell was
  that?"
  
  She replies... "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND -THE BUSH!"
• 

  waiting

  Oh, Red, mine's sooooo lame following THAT one!!!!

  St. Peter is showing some new heavenly folks around the site. They start going down a loooong corridor with shut doors - just like a hotel. On each door is the group's name that is inside, such as Baptists, Episcopalians, etc. The new folk continue down the corridor, looking at all the name plates on the doors. Behind some, talking, singing, etc., can be heard.

  They come to one door with no name tag on it - tightly shut. No noise forthcoming. One of the group asks: "Who's in this room with no name tag?"

  St. Peter quickly asks for complete silence! "Ssshhhhhh, those are Jehovah's Witnesses, and they think they're the only ones here."

  waiting