Gilwarrior,
I responded a little last night but I was very tired and couldn't write too much. I wanted to say more because I really feel your pain and dont want you to feel so alone.
I could have written your post because I've been in many, many similar situations to the point where I just stopped going out anywhere that would cause me to feel that way.
For example, when I got to high school, rather than go to the cafateria and have to deal with the 'who can I sit with..how stupid do I look sitting alone..I hate all these people because they dont even know I'm alive' thinking, I started just going to the library during my lunch break with snacks smuggled in my pockets which I would sneak and eat when the librarian wasn't looking.
When I got older and started working I would sit out in my car during lunch rather than in the employee lounge. Even in the snow or rain I would rather go outside than deal with the feelings that go along with having to socialize with people on a personal level. Strange thing is I work in a customer service industry and I'm very good at what I do. But I am all business and professional at work. When I have to go out to lunch with a client and bring it to a personal level thats when the problems begin.
So to answer the question there is nothing wrong with you. I can't tell you why we are this way except that, and I dont know much of your life story, I think that when you take a person that already was born with shyness or social anxiety and force them to face all the issues that JW kids have to deal with its almost a sure recipe for major anxiety problems.
As a little girl of 5 I remember being shy but I think had I not been raised a JW I would have grown past it like most shy kids do. I actually went through a period where I liked public speaking and I think I would have pursued a career down that path. But the more anxiety I had to deal with as a JW in school, the worse I became. So I think that may be the reason for me. Were you born and raised a JW as well?
As far as what to do, that is a tough one. At one point my anxiety did get too bad to handle and I started taking prescription drugs like Xanax and Paxil. But like you, I didnt want to become dependent on drugs to live a normal life so once I felt better I stopped taking them. I havent gotten that bad again thank God.
I honestly think that just being free of the JW's lies and way of thinking has helped me improve a lot. I still dont go out much but I am making baby steps.
I have also been seriously considering psychotherapy because I have heard that it can help get over and get past the issues causing the behavior. I have had therapists in the past but since I didnt know what I know now about the org I was in, they werent able to help me because I would never open up to them and had a lot of reservations about talking to a 'worldly' person. I think I'm going to try again. Maybe thats something you could consider.
So mostly I just wanted you to hear my experiences so you dont feel so much like a freak. Take care of yourself and try to remember that God loves you and that means a heck of a lot more than anything.
flower