Advice for a non-witness dealing with a fiance's witness family

by JAG913 39 Replies latest jw friends

  • JAG913
    JAG913

    Thank you all again for the encouragement. My fiance and I have talked at length about all of your thoughts and both feel so much more comfortable with our decision.

    Ironically, my future MIL called me tonight. She wanted to talk about the baby and our wills(?). I made it clear she will never have custody of our child, but I updated her on his new milestones (he turned 6 months old today ). This time she did not ask to see the baby, or us, but said she enjoyed talking to me and would call again soon. She asked me to send her a copy of his 6 month photo's we're having taken soon. I said I would. When she started to talk about my fiance I cut her off. She wasn't being overly negative, but I wasn't even opening the door. I think that is how I will handle things from now on... just don't open the door enough for the problems to arise. It was much easier to take a firm stance tonight. I do not mind her wanting pictures or to hear about our son. If she stays the 30 minute drive away and just gets pics and the occasional update... I am happy.

    This phone call really upset my fiance. It's harder to deal with when it's in your face (the phone call) then when we don't hear from them. I told him he should write his story on here, and he just did (My Story by Crank!!!).

    It's so nice to have this type of support, and I know he will get the same kindness on here that I have received. My family is supportive and loves him dearly, but they also can't relate. I see the hurt and pain and experience some of my own, but I'll never truly understand what he's going through either. I'm just thankful that most of you can.

    - Jaime

  • MrFreeze
    MrFreeze

    If your fiance doesn't mind limited contact, you shouldn't either. Try to stay away. They will only make things miserable for both of you.

    I'm assuming your fiance posted something on this forum just a few moments ago. Stories seem to match up.

  • bohm
  • darth frosty
    darth frosty

    She called to talk about your will?!?

    If that doesn't scream cult control I dont know what SMDH!

    Its like she wants yall to kick the bucket so she can have custody and save the child! It never ceases to amaze me how twisted some dubs reasoning is.

  • Razziel
    Razziel

    Congratulations on your baby!

    I'm going to offer a contrarian point of view based off of my own experiences. FYI, I was raised and baptized as a JW at age 12, and faded out in my early twenties.

    None of my grandparents were Jehovah's Witnesses, and my parents didn't allow me to have much contact with them. My grandparents were vocally disapproving of JWs and my parents thought they'd turn me away if I had any contact with them. As a result, I never got to know much about them, their lives, or their life experiences. By the time I left the organization, they were all dead. I know my parents were doing what they thought were in the "best interests" for me, but I still resent them for not allowing me to develop any sort of relationship with my grandparents, regardless of what their beliefs were.

    Your are in the inverse of that situation. You want to look after the best interests of your child by keeping them away from their grandparents who may try to influence the thinking of your child's young mind towards their religion. Of course your MIL wants to take your kid to the zoo. She probably thinks that's a great opportunity to teach a child about the wonders of creation made by a loving God.

    Someday your child is going to want to know their grandparents. It may not be until they are grown up, but by then it could be too late. Until they're 18, it's your choice if you allow that to happen. I think the key is limiting influence while still allowing contact. Remember, that for many years, as Mom, you are the prime educator in your child's life, and they are going to listen to you over anyone else. If you educate and explain things to your child, helping them to develop their cognitive skills, and be a good example yourself, I highly doubt your in-laws will hold any risk of turning your kid against you. And someday, it may be 50 years in the future, your child will thank you for having the opportunity to know their grandparents.

    Every family situation is different, because every person is different, so advice that works in one situation may not work in another. That said, I can say from experience it is no easy task as a baptized Fader, living with his "worldly" fiancee to have even limited contact with his parents. That by itself speaks volumes about your in-laws. Regardless of the intentially mean or argumentative things they say, it shows that the familial bonds are tugging on them equally to their spiritual vows. They also haven't gone to the Elders to get your son disfellowshipped, which means they are probably secretly covering over or leaving out facts about their son when others in the congregation ask them about him.

    That is going to severely hurt their consciences, which means they are going to say and do things in their relationship with you that justify and rationalize their actions. This is the hard part, and I will explain.

    My father has been an Elder for over 40 years. I've been disowned 3 seperate times by my parents over 7 years, being told face to face they never wanted to see or talk to me again. The first time was a deliberate effort to scare me back to the meetings after I was inactive when I told them I was going back to college. The second time was when I let them know I had been dating a "worldly" girl for several months and wanted them to meet her. The third time was when they figured out we were living together. Each was followed by months of no contact.

    A few months after the second disownment, I went by their house to say "Hi". My mom opened the door and said "Who are you?" I said "I just came by to say Hi and see how you are doing." She looked at me, then looked down at my crotch and said, "I don't know who you are, and I don't know where that has been, and neither of you are welcome here."

    I cannot recount all of the intentionally hurtful things that were said by my parents. I cannot count all the times I've been told "I wish you had never been born." At each step of the way I could have said "F%uck it!", blown up on them, and walked away never to speak to them again. I do have the self-esteem and self-confidence to do that. But I didn't. I recognized that just by keeping contact with me, their love for me was equally as great as their love for the watchtower, who told them to shun me altogether. After 50 years of indoctrination, they still talked to me, in violation of the rules, even if it was just to yell at me or tell me how horrible a person I was.

    And slowly, very slowly, things have changed. I did what they could not do. I turned the other cheek. They were constantly baiting me to say something or react in anger to give them justification for how they treated me. And I didn't give it to them. We have slowly achieved a stalemate. They don't talk about doctrines or how I need to come back to meetings anymore. They will occasionally have dinner with my fiancee and I. They don't approve of me living with my her but they no longer berate me for it other than the occasional "When are you guys getting married?". I'm still not sure if I can get them to attend when it does happen, but I'm working on it.

    The point is, you have to ask yourself how important it is for your husband, your child, and yourself to have some sort of relationship with his parents. There will never be some single confrontation or argument where someone is proved right or wrong. But the fact they contact you and want to have a relationship with their grandchild says you have a chance. It's not an event, it's a process. And for any hope of success, you're going to have to ignore a lot of the argumentative things they say. You will have to prove their preconceived notions wrong by your actions.

    If you really want a relationship with them you have to choose your battles. It's a pyrrhic victory to win a battle but lose the war.

  • Retrovirus
    Retrovirus

    Razziel, great post, thank for making me think about a situation I've been avoiding.

    At each step of the way I could have said "F%uck it!", blown up on them, and walked away never to speak to them again. I do have the self-esteem and self-confidence to do that.

    In fact you have shown much more self confidence than it would take to do that.

    Retro

  • JAG913
    JAG913

    Razziel,

    Thank you for your honesty. That is truly why I posted on this site... I don't know how to make this work. Will she ever change, will she meet in the middle, can she respect my decisions? This has been eating at me more and more for the exact reasons you just said... what will happen when our son asks why he doesn't know his Grandmother.

    I was raised in a Christian family, and my Dad's Mom is a strict Catholic with a very large drinking problem. She's a complete alcoholic, a sloppy drunk. She berated me as a child, always telling me I wasn't good enough, how dissapointed she was, etc. I didn't really do anything wrong, except for that I had a very strong personality (much like my Mother whom she isn't overly fond of). I hated how she made me feel, I cried about it constantly as a child. When I hit my early twenties, I finally realized and accepted the fact that my Grandmother was never going to be the Grandma I wanted. She could only give me what she wanted to, not what I needed. I know that now and our relationship is basically holidays and family events.

    I am so caught in the middle - do I subject our son to what I went through and leave him feeling unloved/unwanted/unimportant? But what happens if he never knows her and then blames us for it?

    I told her in the beginning that she would be welcome in our lives, and in his life, to the point her "conscious" would allow. While she doesn't agree with going to school, she'll be invited to his graduations and plays/performances. She doesn't agree with playing organized sports but I'll give her a copy of his schedule and if she feels she wants to be here, then she can come. I also made it clear that his knowledge of God and religion will come from us. When I teach him about heaven it is not her place to say that he won't go there because he isn't one of the 144,000. I also made it clear that he should never be made to feel like a mistake. They aren't happy he was born, too damn bad. He will never be told he's a mistake, etc.

    The reason I am going back on some of this is because they have already broken the "rules." During a one-on-one with her, I asked why nobody acknowledged his birth. Nobody called, sent texts, Facebooked, etc. I was stunned. She said they wouldn't congratulate us on an illegitamit child who they hadn't wanted. She went on to say she wasn't happy she was a Grandma or that he was here. ARE YOU KIDDING? This isn't a passing phase... HE IS HERE. He was born and is a miracle. I ended the conversation and was devastated. I get you aren't happy, but to be so rude and hateful is pathetic. Then she made it clear to me that Matt will hopefully come to his senses and Jehovah and come back to the religion with his son. She told me that if our son was in her care (babysitting, spending the weekend, etc.) she would do what was in his best interest on his Dad's beliefs. I asked if I wasn't there would she honor my wishes and give him a blood transfusion - she said no. So, as a parent, I can not let her be alone with him. And despite her son making it adamantly known he doesn't agree with the JW "truth" she will not allow for a blood transfusion for him. So, we now are in the process of getting a medical power of attorney to strip her of any "next of kin" rights. This is also part of the reason she called about the will... she will never have custody of our little boy and strip him of the childhood and life we want for him and that he deserves. EVER.

    So, while I will never budge on leaving him with her, I can understand spending time together. A family outing to the zoo, etc. But she can't keep her mouth shut. I don't want my fiance to be made fun of or belittled in front of our son. Additionally, she can't stop herself from commenting on everything we do wrong.

    I agree that we need to be the bigger people, and that's why we have a standing invitation for her to come over when we are home. We have agreed to meet her places. She is choosing not to at this point, and that saddens me too. We called to see if she wanted to watch the NFL playoffs together (a long-standing tradition within the family) and she said no. This is what is even more frustrating... she blames us for not having a relationship because of how we live, but she refuses to see him when we try and compromise with her. I'm bewildered.

    The whole situation is just so foreign to me. I'm from a family who was being kicked out of the delivery room because they couldn't wait to see the baby, whereas these people aren't happy he was born. I still hold out hope that someday we can have some form of a relationship and our son can know the other side of his family, but it will never be at the exepense of his health or well being.

    I wish the best for you and hope the relationship between you, your fiance and your parents continues in the right direction and that they attend your wedding. If they don't go I'm sure they'll regret it one day.

    - Jaime

  • mrsjones5
    mrsjones5

    You have a good understanding of your situation. I'm glad you made it to the board.

  • jamiebowers
    jamiebowers
    I agree that we need to be the bigger people, and that's why we have a standing invitation for her to come over when we are home. We have agreed to meet her places. She is choosing not to at this point, and that saddens me too. We called to see if she wanted to watch the NFL playoffs together (a long-standing tradition within the family) and she said no. This is what is even more frustrating... she blames us for not having a relationship because of how we live, but she refuses to see him when we try and compromise with her. I'm bewildered.

    Like I said before, and this comes from hard won experience, you can't reason wth the unreasonable.

  • dgp
    dgp

    Welcome. You have received wonderful advice. Pay attention to it. Not every one of us non-witness is as lucky as you are, to have the support and the love of your special one.

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