Phone Call From My Mother!

by Ranchette 42 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Martini

  Hi Ranch,
  You said,
  

  I said, “mom, every time I speak to or write my grandparent they want to know when the last time was that I have heard from you. They also know I no longer attend meetings and that you are very disappointed that I have chosen to reject the way you brought me up.
  They know we aren’t as close as we used to be.”

  Excellent comments. Now remember the TMS school taught us to stick to one subject. Even when the householder (your mom) changes the subject bring the arguement back to the point at hand.It may appear like we are beating dead horses (JW's) with the truth about the truth, but if we can get them to reason out logically even on one point then there is a chance something will sink in.

  I agree with the others that we should catch up our 'worldly'
  relatives but we also need to win over our own family, who are simply victims to the CULT. Be fair, be truthful to all sides and don't give up .

  Best wishes,
  Martini
• 

  Mulan

  Wow, I can sure relate to what you are going through. So sorry, Ranchette. Mothers seem to really know how to get to us, where it hurts. You have gotten some good advice here, and I recommend you take it.

  I have been struggling with a decision to totally avoid my mother for nearly two months. She lives a mile from me, but in that time, I have talked to her twice on the phone, (unpleasant both times) and I wrote her a letter. She is incapable of seeing (or admitting) that she hurts me everytime we talk, and she is also incapable of admitting mistakes or apologizing (my entire life) so I have been advised to cut her out of my life, if I can do that (2 psychologists). It is for my own mental health and happiness. Just about the time I think "hey, she's my mother, and I can forgive her", she pulls another "fast one".

  She is in the midst of doing it again, and this time it is hurting some good friends of mine, so I am through with her. We will still help her financially, but I can't take the emotional upheavals all the time, and her constant criticism of me and my decisions, and her manipulations. I know she is doing this to get my attention. Well, she did, but not in the way she wants.

  I didn't mean to go on like that, Ranchette. Just wanted you to know I understand mother problems. Sounds like your mother and mine went to the same school........

  Marilyn (aka Mulan)
  "No one can take advantage of you, without your permission." Ann Landers
• 

  slipnslidemaster

  Ranchette, I'm right there with you. It feels like my association with my parents has been limited, although I would never say were were close. I can't talk to them or confide in them and I never realy have.

  However, my mother is really having a very hard time with the rest of my family (non-JW's) who seem "to always know more about her son" then she does. She get's so upset because she spent so many years trying to tell them and show them about JW's, and now I'm ruining that.

  I keep telling her that I would tell her what's going on in my life but she get's too upset and thinks that everything from smurfs to Harry Potter to Scooby Doo is wrong. I just can't live like that anymore.

  Funny how they don't want to associate with you, but GOD FORBID the rest of the family knows the story. Makes them look so bad. I'm sure that when your mother became a JW, she cut her mother off. Now, you leave the JW's and your mother cuts you off. Now HER mother is reaffirmed in her original feelings that the JW's were not a good thing. That is why your mom is mad.

  Slipnslidemaster:"The problem with Ireland is that it’s a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent."
  - Hugh Leonard
• 

  Ranchette

  Everyone,
  Thank you all for your comments; they are very much appreciated.

  Marilyn suggested,

  Firstly why don't you ask your mother why she trying to to pretend that all is well between you and her, to her parents?

  
  I did consider asking her this question but I realized that her and I both know the answer. Therefore I didn’t think it would really accomplish anything.
  I know that the reason she called is because she wants to be able to continue her dishonest game with her parents and she wants to try to bully me into cooperating.
  My telling the truth makes her look bad.

  In a nice way I let her know that all I have done is tell the truth and I never once agreed to play her little games.
  She left the conversation defeated because she did not get what he wanted.
  She knows the real truth about how Jws treat their family who leave the organization is completely unacceptable to everyone but JWs.

  Latte said,

  ask her just what contributed to such a distant relationship with her parents if it wasn't the fact you were all JW's?

  
  The thought did cross my mind but once again I realized we both knew the answer to this one too.
  But I just wasn’t in the mood for a major confrontation that would do nothing but cause bad feelings for us both.
  We both know that being JWs had everything to do with the distant relationship

  Cornish,

  Lol ,you addressed me

  Hello Raunchette

  I have been called this before but I think this was a type –o this time?

  Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I think your money-inheritance theory is sometimes true.
  I think in this case though my mom is more concerned with the way she and her religion look to her parents.

  Ashi,
  You asked me,
  

  Question, though. Do you think your mom would be as angry, mean, etc, a person if she wasn't a witty?

  Yes, she probably would. These personality traits such are already there without the Jws.
  Any religion would magnify these traits and make it worse I think.

  Julie,
  You said,
  

  I know what it is like to realize ugly truths about your own mother. I well know the pain of realizing you are better off in your life without your mother. I guess the pain that will never go away is that it is curable and was unnecessary for us all to go through.

  Thank you for your comments and experience.
  It looks to me like we have a lot of company with similar experiences. I wish this was not so because I would not wish this on anyone.

  Slip,

  I identify with every thing you say but just remember you are ruining NOTHING.
  Our parents are ruining it for themselves and then trying to blame us!

  In summary, I just want to say that many of you have encouraged me to develop my relationship with my grandparents and tell them what’s really going on.
  I want you to know that is exactly what I plan to do.
  They are hearing two different versions and they know someone’s not being honest here.
  I already planned to tell them all about this.

  I am glad to know I am not alone in this but am sad about this fact too.

  Thanks again everyone.

  Ranchette
• 

  slipnslidemaster

  On the bright side, I've learned an awful lot about my other family. They are caring, loving people. They felt bad about the missed birthdays and holidays. They wondered what was going on. They never understood my parents.

  It's been so nice getting to know them and just do NORMAL family things.

  Slipnslidemaster:"The problem with Ireland is that it’s a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent."
  - Hugh Leonard
• 

  LDH

  Ranch,

  Quit molly-coddling your parents, gal.

  Think of it this way--do JWs hesitate in telling YOU what they think of YOU? Hell no.

  I say, quit playing the game.

  The sooner you make your parents face the music, the more chance you have of getting them out of this terrible horrible religion.

  This is just my two cents, but about six months ago, I decided what the hell. what have I got to lose that I haven't lost already?

  YESSSSSS tell your grandparents everything negative about being a JW but make sure not to come across as vengeful or angry. Because you know your parents will be trying to put in their two cents.

  Good Luck,
  Lisa
• 

  jschwehm

  Hi Ranchette-

  When I first left the JWs, my folks were not speaking with me. So, I reached out to my non-JW relatives. They were very welcoming. I explained to them how I felt about things and asked them to still be kind to my parents and not to discuss my leaving the JWs with them. I really did not want to make trouble for my folks. And, truthfully, the hard time that my non-JW relatives would have given them would probably have been interpreted as persecution anyway.

  In any case, I think the fact that your mother called just to see what you said to your grandparents is really manipulative. She just does not want to appear to be shunning you in front of your grandparents because of the hard time they will give her about the JWs. I would say, let the chips fall, let them fall where they may.

  Jeff S.
• 

  Ranchette

  LDH,

  I appreciate your comments and I understand what you are saying but I really don't feel like I am playing any games here.

  I am just being me.I am being true to my personality.
  I have never been a controversial in your face kind of person.

  I don't think there's anything wrong with that approach
  It is just not my manner,although I have surprised my self a couple of times.

  My husband tries to get me to be more like you are saying and I always tell him "that's just not me."

  Ranchette
• 

  Marilyn

  Well Ranchette, you sure are a kind person. You can't ever go wrong being that way. However there may come a time when you feel enough is enough. I put up with 15 yrs of letting the dubs dictate the terms of my association with my parents. They would see me in secret and talk on the phone - anything to keep up dub appearences - even though they wanted to see me. In the end, I blew up (at the dubs) one day when my dad was being carted off to hospital, and my mother was more worried about the witnesses knowing that I was at the house. There comes a time when enough is enough. Since blowing my top, the Witnesses have backed off 100%. It's taught me that you can be too gentle and patient with them. It's like the old saying "give em' an inch and they'll take a mile". With Witnesses, the more you try to accommodate them, the more advantage they take of the situation. Remember that. Be kind, but know when to put your foot down.

  Marilyn
• 

  Makena1

  Hello Ranchette, Mulan and others! We can totally relate to the family experiences described - especially what Mulan wrote:

  "she (mother - in our case father and mother in law) is also incapable of admitting mistakes or apologizing"

  This has lead to us cutting off all ties to our remaining parents for a number of reasons, mostly mental health!

  In speaking with some of the few family who we still have contact with (mostly now ex-JW's - who were 3rd generation JW's) it is amazing how dysfunctional our families really were when compared with "worldly folks". Most of it due to marking, shunning, hypocrisy and labeling certain relatives as "spiritually weak". SAD!!

  It seems that the Bible verse about "losing father or mother and gaining a hundredfold elsewhere" (poor attempt at a quote, but you get my drift) has taken on new meaning for a lot of us!

  Warm regards,
  Mak

  Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, & over these ideals they dispute & cannot unite--but they all worship money.
  - Mark Twain