my story, would like some advice

by deservingone26 34 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Franklin Massey
    Franklin Massey

    Welcome. Like many other posters here have said, counseling, a new social circle, and some productive activities will be a big help. It's tough when you're lonely or bored. In that state, you're more susceptible to making poor choices. But you recognize that already, which is a big step. You have the knowledge that the party life is not the life you want to lead. So act on that knowledge. There is a lot of good that you can do in your community. Look for opportunities. What are your assets? What are your best qualities? Identify those and look for a way to share them with others. It's rewarding and a great way to meet good people. Keep posting and keep your chin up. You have to power to create the life that you want to live.

    Also, if your family hypocritically chooses to treat you differently than your sister, then they give up the privilege of asking you to play by their rules. Prove yourself to yourself, on your terms, not anyone elses.

  • Hecklerboy

    First I would say you have to get away from your current social group. This includes witness friends and others that drink and do drugs with you. You really need to find a group of people that will build you up and be there for you when you need them. Get off the roller coaster ride you are on.

    Personally I would suggest joining a martial arts training school. Training in the martial arts really helped ground me when I was going through my divorce. I found a wonderful group of people that are my true friends and that will be there for me. Now that I've been training for 6 years I'm the one the new ones come to for support and friendship. I'm alway happy to offer it.

  • reds

    This religon is based on fear and the guilt of never doing enough.Drugs and alcohol aren't the way either because you usually wind up hurting yourself one way or another. Please get yourself a copy of Crisis of Conscience. Once you see how things really are, the fear and guilt will go away immediately. Welcome to the board, it's been a lifesaver to me,along with COC. As far as your family goes try to stay as neutral as you can as much as I hate to say that, but it is what it is . Keep us posted.

  • Nice_Dream

    You've received some really great advice already, so I won't add much. I just wanted to share this info about rebalancing your life after leaving a controlling religion: It mentions the 12 areas of life we can strive to balance to have happiness in our lives. If we're missing attention to even one life section, it is very likely we will experience dysfunction, pain, and unhappiness. Of course the family aspect is more difficult for people with family still in the religion, but there are other ways we can try to fill that.

    It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and are on your way to making a great life for yourself. Is there anyone at work you could become friends with? Or join a gym or fitness class? If you have any hobbies or interests, you could seek out a class and get to know others there - like photography, or drop-in sports.

    I'm still in the process of making new friends. Luckily I found an old friend from over 10 years ago who recently settled down and stopped her party life. As you get older, hopefully your friends will start settling down and starting families, and their priorities will change.

  • Butterflyleia85

    Hi there and Welcome!! I so so so can relate to you! Back when I was 21 that was totally me, I'm now 25 got my life in order and lets just say it wasn't what I expected. I understand the battle with the family and not wanting to be a JW but yet wanting a normal life with family in the picture. I still sometimes have withdrawals but nothing compared to what it was before coming on here.

    I hope you find it very helpful like I found it to be. I will share more in a min...

  • Butterflyleia85

    im looking for some advice.

    so i grew up as a witness was baptized when i was seventeen, which by the way i was pushed into baptizm cuse my parents kept asking me when i was and threatned to not buy me a car if i didnt get baptized.

    I was baptized when I was 18 after high school because I wanted to make sure that’s what I truly wanted. My mom was a bet more understanding about rushing into such an important commitment, she wanted to make sure it was in my heart.

    since it was never in my heart i was never very dedicated and was disfellowshipped by nineteen i started the process of coming back but after bout four months i moved out.

    I never really experienced life or fun before like teens do. I never dated or even had my first kiss. I meet a whole bunch of young witness friends from other halls but they were all my sister’s age and by the time I reached 21 I wanted to go out and have fun! I meet a Dfed guy, my sister’s bf’s older brother. He was so free spirited and my age. We had a blast together… but that’s what lead me into partying with nonJW people, some being Dfed themselves. It was awesome for the time… but then it got old and like you I missed my family and my life wasn’t really going the way I wanted. I got into drinking a lot and sex. I was the party girl. I only did weed every now and then, still new to that and didn’t really like the feeling because they had strong weed. Never really did anything that crazy and it all happened so fast… one min I’m out in serves, the next I’m publicly reproved, then Dfed myself. It was freedom I craved not necessarily the bad! I wanted to make my own life mine!

    i started partying alot mainly with my other disfellowshipped friends and nonactive jw frien, we were drinking alot and smoking weed but soon i started feeling the need to go back so i started up at the meetings but i got bored and went back to my old ways, this has been what i have been doing for the last five years, partying getting drunk and drugs and then stopping and going back to the meetings for a couple months, the same process for last the last almost five years. i know i dont want to live my life getting drunk and doing drugs but i dont see myself being a witness either, i just dont think this disfellowshipping thing is right. but i can never have a normal relationship with my family if i dont, i think its crazy how my parents barely spk with me but yet they talk to my sister her who is a witness but yet she has been sleeping with her boyfriend and soon will having a baby by him and they not married, but since she has not gone forward to the brothers she not disfellowshiped they spk to her daily but when my dad sees me or mom they just say when u gonna come back so we can be a normal family again? which i think sometimes maybe i should just do it for them fam, but then im like like this religion is wrong ihave too many doubts but i dont know where else to go? any advice? i feel like my life isnt going anywhere

    So the really messed up thing was for me was the same hung up thing you experience. How can my nonbaptised sister, cousins, family be welcomed to family gathering and talked to freely while me being Dfed get shunned and only spoken to in secret. It didn’t seem quite fair.

    Well I learned it’s not necessarily the crime we commit it’s the commitment we broken, we committed to the baptism to live a sinless life… but we broke that and now they expect us to pay for it. But that’s a fear tactic… it’s what they call “bringing you back to your senses” because they say they “care and want you to come back”…But is these the life for you is this what you truly want. After 5 years I’d say your looking for something more then that! Totally understandable and seriously it’s possible to have just that!

    thanks everyone for your responses yeah i do have to just figure out what makes me happy and i wouldnt consider myself an addict i just went thru five months of no drugs and no getting drunk, i might only of drank maybe five beers total during that period,those five months i isolated myself from all my friends and started to go back to the meetings occasionally but i got really bored of just sitting around watching tv and seeing every movie that has came out since aug by myself, i dont know what the reinstatement process is but i just figure they ask u questions on who u have been associating with but recently i got really fed up with all of the lonliness and got back on facebook and got back with some old friends and went to a party, i got really messed up and next day felt sick and bad about it all,and now im just trying to figure out my next move. has anyone tried counseling? i feel like maybe that might help but i also feel like i need god in my life i was on youtube and alot of the exjws youtubers are bornagain, anyone haveanything to say about that? and sorry im typing from my cell so hopefully this all makes sense

  • lifelong humanist
    lifelong humanist

    Welcome deservingone26.

    Your life, so far, has been quite troublesome - and not just the WT element, either.

    I've never done drugs, so don't know how effective drug rehabilitation might be for you, assuming that you really want to quit the addictive habit. Like other posters have said, seeking professional help seems appropriate - can you get this free, or will it be expensive?

    Whatever you do, good luck to you. Remember, we all make many mistakes, so, work hard to learn from them. Quitting the JWs can only be good for your sanity and peace of mind! I wish you nothing but the best to find happiness and contentment for the rest of your life.

    lifelong humanist

  • Butterflyleia85

    Elders told me I needed professional help… I gotten to the point I drank every wknd to get drunk and get laid. But oddly never really wanted to get drunk or never really wanted to have sex… I wanted freedom. I wanted affection that I was missing from the lack of love I felt. It never was going to heal on it’s own. I needed help… I never really felt that professional help was the answer but it was something I would consider to find answers (and I did eventually go to counseling). I wasn’t really an addict myself just bored. I needed something more then just going to meetings, being good, and going out in service… but still feel worthy and dignified as a human! All human deserves that… to feel accepted, respected, and dignified. Trust me you won’t ever be truly happy not being yourself. You don’t have to be unhappy or committed to doom just because you never went back as a JW. There is more to life then drinking, partying as well,…

    But how can you do this? Where do you look? And how do you start?

    Well a lot on here gave good advice… It will take a bet of effort on your part but you seem like the go-getter type. J Find some good friends… just one good friend to hang out with, maybe someone you work with, maybe some nonJW relative (someone responsible and fun)… and don’t limit yourself, what do you have to loose (nothing) so just be the social bunny and say hey want to hang out and grab a beer. (btw you don’t have to overindulge to have a good time), go to a social gathering where you can have fun playing games, bowling, cards, comedy club… something. From there ask questions get involved?… eventually you will find yourself joining voluntary groups, social groups that include the basketball playing, baseball, musical groups, whatever… Not saying all this will answer all your problems but this will keep you busy and particle.

    Self help and self recuperation will come from support groups like on here, joining one your community offers, counseling… eventually you will recover and you will be able to live a normal life. Never stop asking questions and reaching out!

    We are here for you buddy! J

  • Curtains

    hi deservingone, welcome

    the drinking drug scene after you exit is a minefield and I have seen this unfold. I feel for you deservingone. My friend quit cold turkey like you and then had to deal with extreme lonliness too. I like the sound of butterfly's advice. Do you enjoy sports? - these sorts of energetic activities can make you feel free as they release endorphin highs - even better when you join a club or start with a gym and make friends from there.

    Counselling can help build confidence and give you direction.

  • nugget

    I have to agree you are drifting between two equally bad options. take control and start making smart choices.

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