Hmm. In the "Friends" section, everything I say is searchable by Google. I'm entirely expecting the gossip-hounds at Mt. Rainier congregation already know about 'sd-7', but if they did, I don't doubt my wife would know and our marriage would have gone down in a horrible flame. Still, I'd live. And maybe even live a heck of a lot better, to be quite honest, as I'm kinda poor right now. Maybe? Definitely live a lot better, excuse me.
So...here we are. Me and the World Wide Web. Since half of my personal business is out here anyway, anything else said would be an afterthought, all things considered.
As I said in one of my recent posts, my wife's got a talk this week, the first time in...more than 6 years, I should think. She has invited me to attend, and I have decided to accept her invitation. Why? Well, because it's important to my wife. What more reason do I need? And I'm not being sarcastic this time. I chose to support her freedom of belief in what small ways I could, and now she's able to give talks. I do not wish to attend, for obvious reasons, but I will do so to support her.
I've said some pretty mean things about her here, to be sure, and I suppose they're no more honest than I would've written in my journal, which she has read (and been pretty hurt by). I think so many things have been written about that out of anger and frustration over her turning me in to the elders and all. I'm still working on forgiving her for that, and some days are harder than others. Apart from quite a few other serious issues that I won't go into further detail on here yet again. But I realize that holding onto anger about all those issues has never been healthy. And while I'm probably not much of a Christian anymore, I don't think it's right to hold a grudge against her, at least, and maybe not even against the organization itself. There are many sincere people still in there, and as much anger as I feel, that anger in itself won't help them. And it won't help me, either. It's a war against this religion that I didn't ask for and never intended to start. But freedom has its demands and those demands have to be met. Sometimes the sacrifices are too great.
Last night, I was reading the latest study article, the one that was considered at the Watchtower Study. It was about the need for youths to resist peer pressure. I couldn't help noticing considerable irony in much of what was said. Like making sure your beliefs are the truth, not doing something because you want to please the people around you, etc., while simultaneously invoking a similar brand of peer pressure to conform to the religion's laws.
My wife noticed me reading it, and asked me why I was reading it, if I don't believe Jesus appointed the 'faithful slave'. I told her that it was a matter of curiosity. In researching the history of the religion, I noticed a pattern, and reading the newest material helps me to see whether that pattern is continuing (and it is). She asked if I accepted the things I read, if I was willing to apply the counsel. I told her that I could agree with much of what was said, but that there's no such thing as agreeing with "most" of what the Watchtower says. You either agree with 100% of it, or you get the boot.
She continued further with a line of questioning clearly designed to invoke guilt. Are you going to start your own religion? she said. What about the preaching work? Do you think God cares about you? Do you think you're being loyal to him?
Well...I didn't want to tell her that I don't feel that God is interested in my life as I once did, and I consider his deeds as recorded in the Bible to be a reflection of an unstable individual who is more than willing to bathe the earth in the blood of billions for the sake of proving some already self-evident point about his supremacy and right to rule. (Although I don't really think 'sovereignty' was ever a theme of the Bible, except maybe, at most, in terms of the Old Testament, God proving his superiority over the gods of the nations. The New Testament is clearly about God saving mankind from death and pain and etc.) And yet...I still believe that the Bible is just a reflection of the extremes of a divine person, but that the real God, if he exists, is somewhere in between--neither a genocidal tyrant nor a loving Shepherd.
Apart from the larger issues presented by scientific discoveries, of course. There must be an untold number of sentient species in the universe that in our lifetime, we can never hope to know about. Out of all the beings that exist, why would humans on Earth be center-stage for proving the supremacy of God? It seems more logical--and I think a certain objectivity would lead one to this conclusion--that man became center-stage because man himself, in ancient times, felt a need to be relevant, to think of himself (or herself) as more than just a being who will live 70+ years and then die and cease to exist as a conscious entity. To believe that your life and your death are more relevant, universally important, in fact, must be extraordinarily comforting, if you truly believe it.
But I suppose my wife's questions still raise some interesting thoughts. No, I'm not starting my own religion. Religion isn't the solution--it's more the problem. Jesus already started the religion; why would I need to reinvent the wheel? If I was going to be Christian, I don't need to build a church and give my group a name. I can just tell other people about the Lord Jesus Christ at every opportunity. So...the false dilemma is that there must be an organization that holds absolute truth today. That's not possible, as the scriptures don't answer all the questions we need answered to have absolute truth. And if anything, the scriptures speak against dividing ourselves off based on what some individual teaches, as otherwise, the Christ exists divided, as Paul wrote.
As for the preaching work, since the Witnesses still have 3,000,000,000+ left to reach with their brand of good news, I think I'm in good company as far as producing very little fruitage. When you've not reached billions with your message, the relevance of your efforts as a whole tends to taper off, doesn't it? Either way, I see no specific account of the early Christians dividing up the 'territory' and knocking on every single door. Even back then, such effort would have been wasted. People had to work, in the fields, in the marketplaces, wherever. It was more likely that preaching was done in public places and then those who spoke their message were invited into someone's home. Regardless, it's safe to say that I'd rather not preach at all and face whatever judgment came my way than to rejoin with Jehovah's Witnesses and participate in misleading sincere people. The 'Bible Teach' book points out that God chose not to intervene to save humans from various catastrophes because then he'd be supporting the idea that humans could rule themselves independently of him. And that, this book reads, would make God a "party to a lie". If God would not want to be party to a lie, why would I want to be? Why would I want to tell people things that I know are lies, all for the sake of appearing to preach about Jesus? Would God look favorably upon that? Would Jesus? The lies are well-documented, after all, so they can justly be called lies. I cannot support them, for any reason, and will stand before the judgment seat with that decision.
Do I think God cares about me? No. A being with infinite knowledge and infinite power who will stop at nothing to accomplish his plans cannot care about finite beings. It would require too much of him. He can make use of them, so far as they are useful. But if his ultimatum is to 'obey or die', in the end, is that really different from being threatened at gunpoint? If he has the right to threaten me at gunpoint, what else is he capable of? Threatening my children? Rewriting history? Reprogramming my mind altogether? He has the power to take what he wants, and presumably, the right to use it. With nothing to check his hand, why would compassion even come into play? If he will not stop until all traces of opposition are annihilated, then do I really have free will? Choosing to die is not what I would call free will. Making my own choices in life without fear of retribution for failing to knock on somebody's door on Saturday mornings? That's free will.
I don't consider myself loyal to God, because, as I have seen, this often ends up requiring loyalty to men. And what happens when God or his henchmen ask you to do something that you know is wrong? God asked men in ancient times to kill infants, to rip open pregnant women. Was this morally right? If you didn't obey, you'd be killed, too. Everyone must have a law that goes higher than any holy book or holy being tells you. We have the capacity to reason, and we must exercise it, even if it requires defiance of heaven itself. Because at least the Society got one thing right: a heck of a lot of people have died because of religion.
My wife has also invited me to the Memorial. I understand it falls on April 17th this year, a Sunday. I couldn't help asking, what am I, an unbelieving mate or something? I felt inclined to partake at the 2009 Memorial, but I didn't. I feel that it serves no purpose to merely observe the passing of emblems that only have true meaning to someone else. The Society has failed to provide scriptural support for not allowing the 'great crowd' to partake. This same great crowd washes its robes in the blood of the Lamb, yet cannot partake of the emblem that represents his blood. There is no way to reconcile this, given that Jesus said to keep doing this in remembrance of him. What was "this"? It was EATING and DRINKING of the BREAD and WINE. Not PASSING IT ALONG. It's a simple instruction. Are the body and blood of the Christ accessible to everyone who puts faith in him, or NOT? If not, then what the heck am I doing being a Christian? And it just adds further to the blasphemous claim that the anointed will help to apply the value of the ransom to the great crowd during the 1,000 years--a statement that has no scriptural basis whatsoever and has only been maintained because it keeps the power at the top of this pyramid scheme.
Attending the Memorial does not seem worthwhile, but for some odd reason, I find myself tempted. I can never believe their doctrines again. I would love to share with my wife in worship once more, as it has been torture to be spiritually separated from her. But that would require me to do things, to actively participate in a blasphemous wrongdoing that, whether intentionally or not on the part of its members, dishonors the Father and the Son.
I don't know what Jesus would say if he were on earth to see this organization. I'm not sure what he would say to me. I just know that...if any of that stuff is true, I've got to stick to what I know is true. And what I know is true is that this religion is false.
I've had many struggles in considering what to do as far as my marriage. But I have chosen to stick it out. For as long as I possibly can endure, I feel that I must give meaning to the love I waited for years to get back. I didn't expect her to leave this religion because of research she didn't do herself. For many, like her, the organization has presented order to a life of chaos. I can understand the need for that kind of order. She might be fully aware that it's all a fraud, but I think she would prefer not to know, just for the sake of remaining 'built up' by the 'spiritual food' being provided. I just wasn't willing to pay the price of willful ignorance and unquestioning obedience any longer. Nonetheless, I respect her choice to serve God in the way she knows how.
The battle for freedom is always uphill, I suppose. Today marks 10 months since the announcement of my expulsion from the religion. Times have been brutal, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Finances aren't so hot either, but at least I'm still employed. (One of us has to be...) (Sorry, that was uncalled for.) But I'll continue to fight, to watch, to endure, because...these people are frightened. Someone has to show them that they don't have to be afraid. If it's me, here, now, then I'll show them.
We're far more than mere 'wicked opposers'. We're not 'disfellowshipped' or 'apostates' or whatever other labels they brand us with. We are men and women. Let's all hold our heads up high and remember that well.
--sd-7