What emotions have you been coping with?

by mochamint22 28 Replies latest jw experiences

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  mochamint22

  I wanted to dedicate this posts to just talking about the emotional scars we all have had or maybe still have. Was there a gap of time between you thinking you didn't want to continue and actually, consciously, deciding to no longer continue as on of JWs? It's amazing to me the strong hold this religion puts on you. I remember a chick on ANTM (America's Next Top Model) from AZ saying that she's a horrible example of a JW. Here's what she said quote:

  "I'm a horrible example of what a Jehovah's Witness is supposed to be. I'm a fornicator, I'm a smoker, I curse like a sailor, and I don't go to church."

  When I saw that I was first thinking, why in the world would she even say that on national television?! But it goes to show that she probably was still feeling guilty and the organization still had a hold on her mentally because she felt some obligation to defend them. Like she was letting everyone know that she was not representing them. Then I started thinking how I've just now been able to openly talk about being a witness.

  Why is it that my fear in talking about being a witness isn't even present anymore now that I am inactive? When people would ask me about it, I'd always preface it by saying how I'm a bad example and something along the lines of it being a good way to be, it just wasn't for me. This lady at my current job was talking to another co-worker about JWs saying how she thinks theyre assholes for what they put their kids through and how she couldn't understand that way of life. I remember sitting there getting outraged that she was saying those things, thinking how ignorant she was and I even contemplated talking to my supervisor about her talking offensively about religion where others could hear her. Yeah this is just in the last year and I was INACTIVE! Then after I calmed down and reflected on it, I thought "wow, what a hypocrite i'm being. I'm not even an active witness" and i could identify with the things she was saying because they were all things I endured as a child.

  So thing's I would like to discuss are, what were the transition of emotions you endured, how long did it take to come back to reality and feel some measure of normalcy, and did you feel like you wanted to just not even believe in god, religion, etc. because of what you went through? And for those that were born and raised in truth like me, how did you come to even know what "normal" feels like since it's all we've ever known?

  Moe
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  dinah

  Moe, it took me over 5 years. Well, 16 years of being df'd and thinking I was as good as dead then 5 years to realize it was all a lie. (which basically wasted 21 years of my life) I'm still kinda iffy on the God thing.

  What does normal feel like? When you share a laugh with a good friend. When you hear someone else voice what you are feeling. That happened here for me.

  We were all born "normal", I suppose. It's just the crap we've had to deal with that made us feel a bit crazy.
• 

  GrandmaJones

  I had a good solid year of being pretty sure it was all a lie. After I was sure, then I came on here, and met a lot more people who also knew. I never had anyone to talk to until I joined. Finally I could say it all without censure.
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  Botzwana

  I am in that process right now. I still believe the teachings...Luckily I don't have any family in the org. All I have is two really good friends. The brothers USED to eat at my restaurant all the time until I quit going. Now they don't return. Some love... I can't stand them now. I still have a few friends on FB though. They don't write me either. The worldly ones do all the time. I guess I was a different witness...

  I still fornicated then I would repent and have private reproof...I did this a few times. I still watched Friday the 13th movies. Love em. Then I would feel guilty and sell them. Then 5 months later I would want to see them again and buy them up. I did that 8 times. Finally this year I decided to hold onto them. I also cuss in traffic. Have been doing it for years. Always felt God was going to kill me anyway but I was trying. I went to all meetings and in service. I have given it all up now. Am avoiding the Elders by saying I am going to another hall....NOW they are asking me for the PO's number etc. I am going to ignore that email until he emails again. I have a way out of them stalking me though...My wife is not in the truth. So I tell them she doesn't like it when they come by. It has worked so far.
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  Amelia Ashton

  I feel my emotions are still a bit off kilter. No longer defend the witnesses at all so I know I have made massive progress. In less than 2 years I have gone from being the best little dub I could to complete atheist. Love the freedom and that is the best feeling ever. All guilt has vanished. The only thing left is a little bit anger at falling for their crap for so long and a bit of of fear of being d'fd but I havent been to a meeting since March 2009 and no-one has enquired as to why so not sure why that even bothers me. Probably because my not speaking to them is MY choice and I don't want that taken away from me.
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  sd-7

  In early 2009, I reached a point where I had done all I could to hold on. The organization had nothing left to offer me. I started wondering what was wrong, why things were the way they were. I wondered what 'apostates' were saying. What was the Society so afraid of? What did these mysterious people know? In my mind, I told myself, "We've been putting off researching our own religion, because you know that quite likely you're going to find that it's all a load of crap and then you'll want to leave. And if you leave, then you'll lose her forever this time." But I knew that the answers were far more important than anything or anyone else.

  Somewhere in February 2009, I found enough hard evidence to wake me up to what was going on. It was time to leave, but...I was still living at home. I needed to get out of there. Finding out that the people I'd trusted my entire life had been lying to me from the very beginning--and were silencing people who found out!--was horrifying. That sense of horror didn't really go away. It all reached a head in February/March of this year, during my judicial committee. Once I knew that even the woman I loved could not be trusted to do anything beyond stay in their little box, I was consumed by a rage that has constantly burned from then until now.

  It's a rage that is combined with the fear that is a lingering side effect of the programming. It strangles me nearly every day. The relief of not having to live up to the impossible was there since last year, but...the hatred of the kind of evil and self-centered greed that moves men to do this to other people, MILLIONS of people...it never goes away. There are many times when I want revenge for all the harm done to me and so many others. And other times when I know that forgiveness is the only way to move forward. But how can I forgive, when I can never forget? It fills with me sadness to know...that most of the people I will see in life...are in this illusion. The woman I love, her daughter, who I love as if she were my own. My mom, my brother, my cousins, their kids...all in this illusion. How do you accept that?

  And...my beloved wife has to live with the consequences of my choices, suffering so much because I couldn't let her go. Because I chose her knowing that this would happen. I have to live with wanting her all to myself, instead of loving her enough to let her go. Watching our love as it is slowly tortured to death. Knowing that this beautiful child I've come to know will have her mind fashioned and shaped to turn against and despise me for what I know, for learning things I wasn't supposed to find out. That the joy of raising her will only be temporary. That one day, there will be two women who no longer see me for who I am, but for what I am, instead of one.

  I have times when I don't want to see a Watchtower, yet I see them on the bookshelf in my home every day. There are other times when I reach for those books and spend countless hours researching some subject matter, as if...if I don't constantly remind myself that it's a lie, I might start believing it again. As if...there is no case against the Witnesses that could ever air-tight enough or buried deep enough to satisfy me. Never enough ammunition to destroy its fragile foundations. I just keep firing, keep blowing it up, and its face still stares at me, unchanged.

  And there are other days when life is just great. I can curse if I want to--well, if I'm alone, at least--and watch R-rated movies if I want--also, if I'm alone, although my wife does watch R-rated movies herself from time to time. Otherwise, my life hasn't meaningfully changed or improved. I have the freedom to read what I want, so long as my wife doesn't know about it. So...perhaps I married her out of fear that the structure of my life was coming apart, and I needed to maintain some of it, and I knew she could do that for me. But my greatest regret is involving her in any of this. I have to live with that.

  Perhaps...I hope...things will be better in time. Fear, anger, guilt, hatred, sadness, hope, and peace are the emotions I deal with. It's been an interesting year.

  --sd-7
• 

  Lozhasleft

  Anger - sorrow - shame - more anger - frustration - deep sorrow -

  Loz x
• 

  satinka

  Fear was my big one. It took me two years of being df'd before I could log on to an "Apostate" site like this one.

  Then I was waiting for a lightning bolt to strike me...Didn't happen, though.

  Reading Crisis of Conscience helped me get a healthier perspective on the workings of the organization.

  Glad I had a good therapist who knew about how cults operate.

  satinka
• 

  stillin9

  @ sd-7

  I absolutely enjoyed reading every word of your post. I am sorry I can't offer any help or suggestions but something in your writing gave me hope. I don't know what it was. Perhaps it was just knowing that there are others out that have very similar emotions to that of mine. I especially liked the following paragraph of your post:

  I have times when I don't want to see a Watchtower, yet I see them on the bookshelf in my home every day. There are other times when I reach for those books and spend countless hours researching some subject matter, as if...if I don't constantly remind myself that it's a lie, I might start believing it again. As if...there is no case against the Witnesses that could ever air-tight enough or buried deep enough to satisfy me. Never enough ammunition to destroy its fragile foundations. I just keep firing, keep blowing it up, and its face still stares at me, unchanged.

  Thank you and take care.

  -Stillin
• 

  daringhart13

  My truthful response?

  RAW ANGER

  I want a piece of someone's @$$ ..... and even my fellow elders in the are know it.

  I just came to the realization today, ;......after finishing Captives of a Concept.... that I was one of those JW's that knew nothing about my religion. That I have been in a cult for 37 years. Nonetheless, I was marched on to stages big and small to teach others for years. All the nagging doubts I had about a lack of love were my gut telling me to RUN and get my family out with me. Unfortunately, they are still in.

  I've even gone to a therapist to do something with all my anger. A wasted youth.....skipped an education.....a torn apart family. The time putting up with disrespectful, mentally ill District Overseers. The list is long.

  My emotion.....is anger. Then I get super tired........and I realize I'm frozen. I just sit here looking out the window. No friends. No social life. I'm completely lost..........and have no idea what to do about it.