Children of adult ex-jw's

by man in black 19 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  man in black

  My wife and I were both jw's for the past 28 years. We left two years ago, we wrote our DA letters and split.

  My wife felt very contained, there was no room to grow. I started to fade slowly, but when my Mom died, I saw the complete lack of love from the brothers and that sealed the deal for me.

  We have two sons, 22 and 26, who we raised as witnesses, not the die hard type, just try and do your best. They no longer have anything to do with this religion, in fact they were so relieved when we left !

  Well, recently I have noticed with the older son, he has a deep seated anger towards anything related to religion, its almost like he has to make a superior effort to prove to himself, and anyone that he talks to that all religion is foolish. Everything pertaining to spirituality is a joke.

  The younger one has become very inquisitive about religion and spiritual things, he has a girlfriend who was kicked out of her home, and basically DF'ed by her "evangelical / saved" parents. They tell her that because my son is not a believer, that he will burn in hell. So because of his witness upbringing, he can really identify with her situation. He goes to various churches on and off, in fact because he is a drummer, a local church asked him to play in their Christmas concert this weekend.

  We spent So many years, and effort doing what I/we thought was right, only to find out that our true religion as jw's was nothing of the sort. All that time spent teaching- grooming-raising these boys and now they are so very different in their beliefs about God, but they both agree that life as a jw was very mind numbing, and as adults they would never even think about returning to that religion.

  How do others who left, deal with their children, or how do the kids deal with you ?
• 

  Giordano

  My son was not yet born when we walked out, today he is 42 and has no experience being a JW, we spared him that. However because of our JW relatives he has knowledge of the parameters and limitations we dealt with. After understanding what his mom and I used to believe and what our life style was like he is greatly appreciative not to have been raised in it. If we had raised him in it and then reversed course or more appropriately charged forward I think he would have greatly appreciated that. But it would have left some degree of scaring. I think you have clarified important things for your sons. You took the chains off and it took courage.

  On the other hand I am often disturbed at the time I wasted as a witness, the years lost, knocking on doors, attending meetings etc. My wife of many years is more stoic, "We met one another, we pioneered together and then after a few years we got out, and started a family, what would you have wished for instead of that?" I am where I am and appreciative for that.

  How do you go back and make the kind of changes that if you could would also change everything? You can't. Your not the same person you were then, they are not the same sons.

  Your older son is angry, I am too. I wasted ten years of my life. But there were also good things, friends and relationships. Your younger son is more spiritual...... good, he responds to other dynamics at work in the human condition. One is angry at the deception and falsehoods of religion. A false religion can lead their followers to destruction and ruin. Your son's anger is reasonable........ he will not allow falsehood to influence him. The son who is willing to approach the spiritual side of life will find a balance that makes him strong and healthy. You have a warrior and a poet. Honor them and they should honor you and your wife. You’re still a family, congratulations.
• 

  Snoozy

  I have been out for a long time now..the kids were 14 to 19 when I left. We had no problems for a long time. BUT now that they have kids of their own and see all the fun their kids are having doing all the things they were not allowed as JW's to do they are showing resentment.

  I am totally unprepared for this and have no answers for you..just that you may possibly face more problems in the future.

  I can see problems they are having in their life also because of the way they were raised. The JW's thought their way was the only way to raise children..boy are they way off base.

  Another thing is that we were the adults, the parents. How could we "torture" them for so long with something that we were so eager to throw away later...can you blame them?

  I am still looking for answers..and may go for some kind of counseling to help me help them..at least my oldest is finally going for some help and guidance..tht gives me a little help.

  My best to you and the misses..

  Snoozy. Who can put herself in her kids shoes..
• 

  Alwayshere

  I raised 3 children in that organization. Wasted 33 years of my life before I found out what a lie it was. Two of my children are still in. My youngest is 42 and he is out and does not believe in God. I have a grandson who is 13 and he told me, he hates the organization. His parents are still in. I have been out for 7 years and not DF. So they let me see him and I have been talking to him and showing him from the Bible how wrong the Organization is. He is listening. I can't believe as old as he is, they let him see me. But its too late now because he is never going to be Baptized.
• 

  troubled mind

  We raised our all three of our sons in the religion .All were baptised . When we left the two oldest were out living on their own at 21 and 24 ,the youngest was 18 still living at home . The youngest has a deep hatred for the JWs ....it worries me he is so angery with all of them.

  Our middle son was the most active spiritually .In fact my JW brother told me when I stopped going to meetings that I should know that son would never leave 'the truth'.......He slowly faded from meetings two yrs ago ,did alot of reading of Dawkins ,and now is pretty much an Atheist. He doesn't seem to resent the Witnesses other than their shallow mindedness and unwillingness to think for themselves . His former friends have tried to use the fact they all use to look up to him as a guilt trip for leaving .His favorite saying is "Witnesses only taught us what to think not HOW to think "

  The oldest just blames being lazy and moving a couple of times as his inactivity . He doesn't have any desire to get involved with any religion .He never says anything bad about JWs ,but he doesn't seem to be happy with the judgemental attitude his former friends have towards him and his wife just because they no longer attend meetings . His wifes family has told her she is bad association for them unless she returns to meetings ....She is a strong willed person and I know she can see they are using emotional blackmail ....and she will have none of that .

  I do expect there will come a time when they might be resentful of us for not being smart enough to see the real truth alot sooner , but so far they have been understanding.They realize we did only what we could at the time with what we knew .
• 

  Aussie Oz

  I left the JWs when my kids were like 1 and 5 but they have been raised as witnesses by their mother. I kick myself now because for 11 years i wanted them raised as witnesses as i still thought it was the truth. I though the problem was with me.

  So now they are 13 and 17ish, and now i am trying to get them out of it. I feel a little too late, but i hope not.

  My kids do and know stuff that is wrong to the jws, but i have not much comfort in that fact as a number of my generation were also pretty wild and became jws later. My son is hot n heavy with a jw girl so i think he is going to choose the religion no matter what now. He's doing too much thinking with the small brain...

  They both know full well that they will be required to sgun me should they get baptised and tell me that they wont obey that. Small comfort to me in some respects because i know how easy it is for the WT to 'force' them to do it anyway.

  Truthfully, i am scared and getting more desperate as they get older to find ways to reach them.

  Should they ever leave it as teenagers, i don't see them being resentful of it as they are both quite a lot more worldly than i ever was...

  oz
• 

  Nice_Dream

  I am a born in child, and I recently left at age 27. Unfortunately, I'm still in the angry phase. I hate the fact that I wasted most of my life trying to be someone I wasn't. Although I tried to explore different spiritual paths, they all feel false to me, and sometimes I feel like life has no purpose which gets depressing. My sister also left the religion and is an atheist.

  I don't blame my parents though. I know that they did the best they could, and tried to raise us with good morals to protect us from some of the things they went through growing up. Children and teenagers experience suffering no matter what. And it has made me a stronger person, and I've learned invaluable lessons.

  It's brave of you to leave the religion, I wish my parents and inlaws would. Time heals all things. And your children are lucky to have parents who love them unconditionally.
• 

  looloo

  my son and daughter were invoved as small children as i was a study , my now 19 year old son is a med student with buddhist views on life and the only bitterness he shows to the org is the way his little sister is not bothered with by her jw relatives ! my eldest girl however was greatly affected by the jw experiance , listening to doom and gloom at meetings and the destruction of her worldly relatives etc as well as missing christmas after being used to celebrating it and being odd one out at school ! then of course her abuse by the ex min servant and lack of compassion shown by most ! she has buddhist views also and has a lot of compassion for hurting people but wants to believe in god but feels uncertain of his exsistance !
• 

  VIII

  I was raised in it as was my sister. She became the angry one who is now a vocal atheist. I am very quiet about my beliefs. She is so angry in fact that if our still in parent and or relatives (who speak to her in spite of her being DFd) send her e-mails with any type of JW message or alluding to "Good News" or the "System of Things", she goes ballistic and sends off a tirade on how stupid they are and why Atheists Rule!!!

  She will then send our mother lists of why she hates the JWs. It is really sad and sick. It gets her no where and our mother is never going to leave the dubs. She is hard core and needs that social club/cult. BTW, my sis has been out for 30 years, so I don't know if it gets any better.
• 

  truthlover

  I am in, our son is not - at 14 he decided not to go to any more meetings, so we did not force him - he got into a lot of trouble, drinking, drugs, which in time ceased, but the fallout of all that is that he has nightmares of people dying, the earth being destroyed and has ruminated for years over the end of the world, never really having a relationship with someone, no trust of anymore with the exception of us, his parents, feels he really doesn't have a blood relative who he can talk to, has lo self esteem, and is currently attending a clinic for introspection, trying to find out why he thinks the way he does... after all our talks, I believe he was traumatized by the pictures and talks at the hall regarding armageddon, and it fused with his brain and memories so much that it screwed his feelings, attitudes and general outlook...

  His health is shot, all stress related, chronic conditions - many and varied... we talk every day, we do not live near each other but not far either so we do support him and try to talk him thru the bad days

  Had I only known!!!!