I haven't really spelled out my story in a single post yet and I think it would prudent. So here it is and I apologize in advance for it being so long.
I was born in the Organization in 1984. My dad only dated my mom for a few months before they got married, creating a step family. My dad had two kids and my mom had 1. My mother was raised a Witness and my dad got baptized around 1980.
So here I came in 1984. My childhood was really up and down. My father had a horrific childhood involving some of the most deviant sexual dysfunction you could possibly imagine so he was, to say the least, mentally comprimised. My mother came from a VERY sheltered Witness family who lived a by-the-book Witness life.
My dad always had doubts about the Organization, but kept them in his ever-so-useful safe deposit box in his mind. So we really never knew that this was a core issue growing up. He eventually became and elder even though he physically abused me little brother and me. (Our half brothers all moved out, and me and my full little brother remained just the two of us for most of our childhood).
My dad was troubled. He really wanted to do the right thing in raising us up as Witnesses, it was all he really had. I would be hard pressed to say my dad even had an identity during my childhood. So naturally he took on an Identity given to him by the Organization. He "put on the new personality" literally.
I moved out of the house at 17 to be with my older brother. It was a mutual parting but definitely had some bad blood to go along with it.
I was dating my now wife when I moved out. When we got together at 17, we were both unbaptized publishers in the Organization. The crap hit the fan when she decided to get baptized and I opted out. We were SUPPOSED to get baptized at the same assembly but I decided not to because I didn't feel I was ready or doing it for the rigth reasons.
So that put us in a different category. Suddenly elders and family members appeared from no where to tell me to get baptized asap because we were now an "unevenly yoked" relationship. It was a big deal and my first run in with the Organization's whacky policies.
I had several elders meetings as a publisher. They told me that we should break up until I can get baptized, which I thought was ludicrious and told them straight up. I remember one elder telling me that I was so brazen that he would DF me if I WERE baptized. That was a huge red flag for me and furthered my reservations about baptism altogether.
My girlfiend, now wife, was getting concerned. She half-way wished I would just get baptized to silence the critics but understand and supported my decision not to get baptized.
As a side note, my wife and I dated for two years so, of course, we ran into some physical issues in the Witness relationship. We fell in love only a few months after we started dating so it was impossible to keep from being physical with eachother, so we had meetings with the elders about that too. Which was another run in with Organizational Policy, they asked many probing and personal questions and my wife was eventually privately reproved.
So we decided to get married when we were 19 years old in 2003. I still had not gotten baptized, but promised that I would after I got married. My reasoning was that if I got baptized AFTER marriage I would not have to live with the guilt of getting baptized so that I "feel good about the start of the marriage." I wanted to get baptized for God, not for my wife or anyone else.
6 months after the marriage I got baptized and everything calmed down, but it ended up biting me in the ass in the future.
I had a business started before we got married to pay the bills. It was a great business, kind of like an Auto Trader but more localized for our 90,000 person city of Redding, CA. It made good money and things were going great.
Then my parents got divorced, my dad got disfellowshipped and they sold my childhood house. It was earth-shattering for me and then my little brother got DF'ed for having sex with his worldly GF before marriage.
1 year later my business was in shambles and I had to sell it for a fraction of what it was once worth. I hadn't realized it but I sank into a depression. I didn't even know what depression was at that point. All I knew was that my life was all of the sudden in a crisis.
My wife helped me get professional help and I ended up getting diagnosed with Bi Polar 2 Disorder which Major Depression. Since then (6 years ago) I have been on a strict regimen of weekly therapy with a PHD psychologist and my wife. It saved my life in the end. I did try medications but that is a story in itself. The meds were about a 3 year ordeal and my life was on hold until I either found the right cocktail of meds or find a way to cope without them.
I chose the latter and eventually went off all meds. When I went of the meds I lost 100 pounds because the meds I were on was slowing my metabolism.
So anyway, after the medical detour I started going to the therapist that I am currently seeing. He changed my life. He taught me about taking responsibility for my actions and what true accountability really means. Learning these things ( which took over a year) has enriched my perspective on life so much that pharmaceutical medications are not currently needed.
About 4 years ago I had a realization. I was in my current house at that time and it occured to me that I couldn't even remember the date of my baptism. This struck me as very odd, since everyone I knew held their baptismal date as the most important moment of their lives... I couldn't even remember mine.
This was the start of my exit out of the Organization. My wife and I had been studying with a couple in my hall that had similar struggles to us. Their makeup was the WIFE had Bi Polar 2 Disorder and the husband held the support role. They ended up becoming great friends.
But they couldn't feed me spiritually. They tried the packaged "study the current JW Study Book" with us but we all knew it wasn't going to help. What helped was having friends that were older than us and that were going through the same stuff. The book ended up being a formality.
I realized through this study experience that the Organization had VERY little aid in regards to depressed people, in fact I would consider their published aid for the depressed inept. This got me to thinking if God was really behind such an inept system. I decided that God was not behind it, but I didn't truly accept that evaluation for a while.
This is when my journey took a serious turn. I realized that my path was not through the Watchtower and it was very frightening. I knew how my family and friends would react when I told them how I felt. These feelings of panic would trigger violent depressive cycles and I ended up in the ER 5 serparate times because I felt I was close to taking my own life. My wife was ALWAYS by my side through this, she is unbelievably awesome it's hard to describe her kindness and love for me in words. But she was ALWAYS there, supporting and helping as were her parents, my in-laws.
After much personal Bible study I decided that I didn't even believe the Bible was inspired by God which gave me even MORE anxiety. So I finally decided to speak out to my family about how I felt. So I told one person how I felt and the rumor mill started up. So many bizzare things came out of the grape vine of my family. I was an evolutionist, I was an apostate, I was writing a book to take down the society and more crazy rumors. I became a HOT topic among my family circle.
So I ended up feeling like writing this letter and sending it to all of them:
I am writing you all to give you information about me, so that you have something from me that you can base your opinions and decisions on.
I have heard a few rumors about the reasons why I no longer practice as a Witness anymore, some very out there and some not so much, but I wanted to set the record straight once and for all.
Where to start… First off I would like to say that my decision to stop being a Witness was not easy. So far I can clearly say it has been the hardest and most agonizing decision I have ever made.
This will be the third and final time I have had to come to terms with my doubts about the Bible and the Organization. The first was when I was 13 years old, the second at 16 and finally the last one at 22.
The first two I ended up really trying to do the right thing in the eyes of my parents and all my family. That seems to have been a theme in my life: doing the right thing just for the sake of it.
When I was around 22 the doubts starting creeping up again. When I would attend the Kingdom Hall in my mind I would nit-pick a lot of what was said on the stage and in comments; it really bothered me that I was having these thoughts.
So I stopped attending meetings altogether because I was consistently having a lot of trouble there. It’s hard to explain the shame I felt because of what I was thinking and now the fact that I was not going to meetings; and then I became inactive.
One thing I want to make very clear: I truly feel that I gave the Bible and the Witnesses my best effort in buying into the teachings. I studied with a couple in my congregation that had the same bi-polar struggles that I was going through for a full year. I REALLY tried to believe it.
It is a fundamental Witness teaching that faith is dead without works. That was how I felt. I was driven by nothing but faith: doing the right thing. As we all know having faith in “doing the right thing” is only the first step, all your life decisions can’t be driven by JUST faith that you are doing the right thing, at least it can’t for me; which I found out.
All of you had to make the truth your own at some point in your life. It is a required step to be able to work the belief into your life and let it drive your decisions. What I ask is that you consider the scenario if one tries to make the truth their own and after a very solid attempt over many years finds out that he doesn’t believe it.
What then? That was the core reason why I made 4 trips to the ER in the course of a year. I was terrified of losing my family because I knew that I didn’t believe the Witness teachings and I knew what that entailed. I was flooded with anxiety, depression and strong suicidal feelings.
Exclaiming this to you all is very therapeutic for me and is a required step for me in closing this unresolved conflict within myself. Without that closure the anxiety and depression will never fully heal. It’s very discouraging that I might have to choose between my family and friends and myself and my well being.
What I deeply hope is that we all can still get along down the road. I fully understand that this decision is hurtful to you all, but I urge you to not think that just because someone you care about has chosen different beliefs that that somehow suggests that person is challenging your beliefs.
I am in no way suggesting that what you believe is wrong or stupid. I am just telling you the truth about how I feel. I also do not believe that the Witness teaching is false; I just don’t think there is enough evidence FOR ME to subscribe to the ideas and devote my life to it. I do not challenge your way of life and I would hope that you do not feel I am a threat to your beliefs.
I love you all dearly,
- Alex
The family took it pretty hard and many of them sent me emails or met with me to tell me that I was never to speak with them again, but they will be there for me when I come back. It was always the same warped sentiment: "We love you, but we will not speak with you, but we will be here when you decide to come back."
It was devistating to say the least.
Right about this time was when I started joining EXJW forums. I remember being terrified of these places. At first I just wanted to go to "anti Bible" sites. I would google search something and an "Anti JW" site would be in the search results and I remember being too scared to click those and chose more "anti Bible" links. I was highly conditioned to be very fearful of anything against the ORGANIZATION.
Fast forwarding a bit here. My family still had limited "arms length" association with me, which hurt in it's own way because before I was VERY close to them.
They were very suspicious of apostasy, and at that point I was not speaking out to anyone about my disbeliefs. The REASON I came here was because every time I tried to talk to my family about it they would run away into the horizon and explode. It was completely unworkable, they COULD NOT NOT feel their personal beliefs were being attacked when I spoke about what I was feeling and going through.
So I sought out a group that would not be threatened by my words, and that group ended up being here and Jwsupportforum.com
For some creepy reason some of the tech-savvy members of my family decided to google "sabastious apostasy" and they found my posts on this site. They know my name Sabastious since I use it for a lot of my internet screen names and games I have played with them in the past.
So upon finding this site and my posts they started printing out comments of mine and putting together a packet.
I didn't know I was being watched for some time. I was having an Instant Message conversation with a cousin that got heated. At one point in the conversation I told him to "look up apostasy in the Insight book and tell me it's not too broad of a definition for the actions that are taken against alleged apostates." He told me to "stop that Alex, stop that right now." It had an eerie feeling to it, even over the Instant Message text.
Next thing I know he sends it to my Uncle (the annointed Elder) and they print it out. They then have a family meeting about the "new evidence of my Apostasy." Without me there to defend myself of course.
Out of the blue I get a call from my other cousin (the instant message guy's brother who is providing a place to stay for the Annoited Elder who doesn't have any skills and can't afford a place to live for himself or his family because he never wanted to work in "the world"). He tells me he wants to meet, and I KNEW what was going to happen so I told him to meet me in the park.
It was a horrible experience and it ended abruptly. He basically told me they got together and read my posts and my Instant Message convo and decided I was not welcome in their house anymore. Hmmm, wonder why that ended in tears?
I got so mad that day that I posted a nasty anti-JW wall post on my facebook telling all Witnesses to defriend me. I also mentioned in the Facebook post that I was going to DA myself.
I ended up not DA'ing myself because my mother-in-law basically got on her hands and knees and begged me not to do it. Because if I would have done it she would have been "forced" to shun me.
So I decided to meet with some elders instead of just turning in a DA letter at the request of my mother-in-law who has been a constant support in my life. I felt I owed her one.
The elders meeting went great. The elders thanked me for "soulfully explaining my situation" and decided not to take any action. I told them that I post here but didn't mention anything I said here nor did they even seem interested in finding out. It was a non-issue. It ended up being a very good experience.
Problem is they had to "report back" to the acusers (my Uncle mainly, the Annointed Elder in a different Congregation). They told him everything went ok and they are not taking any action. This is when he pulled out his packet of posts on this forum he had printed out and gave them to the elders.
It actually took him several months to give them the packet, I think he wanted to add to it.
So this morning (Nov 24th 2010) I got a call from an elder. I posted that story on this thread: http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/members/private/202435/1/Interesting-call-from-an-elder-this-morning
I guess that's enough for now. Sorry for the tome of information, lol.
Your friend,
-Sabastious (Alex)