hi u guys, this is my first post. I really dont know where to start except for now I have found out the TRUTH about the "truth". But anyways, I was raised as a JW then at 18 I got disfellowshiped. I was smoking,having sex,mom found out and kept telling me the need to tell the elders. So I did and at that point I really didnt care and wanted to do what I wanted to do. So because of that I was disfellowshiped. A couple months later Hurricane Katrina occurred. Now I was still disfellowshipped and my parents wanted me to evacuate with them(even during my DF state they still were talking to me because I was still living in their household) but I wanted to do my own thing so they left and I stayed behind.
I was right down there in New Orleans amidst the chaos going on in New Orleans. I stayed with some co-workers. Witnessing events that werent reported by the media such as racists shooting black people and the military basically taking control of the city. I remember vividly seeing a soldier on top of a tank rolling down the street pointing a gun at me telling me to get back in the house due to a curfew. Overall that experience was very traumatic for me,also considering the fact that a couple months I was shunned and lost former "friends". Anyways, I ended up hitching a ride to Houston,Texas while on the journey up there staying in a shelter. When I finally made it to Houston, I was able to get in contact with parents. They stayed about 2hrs away from me in Texas. I ended up getting help from local Houstonians and was able to find an apartment. Now I went to visit my parents but I didnt want to live with them but wanted to be on my own. I guess it was more of me wanting to experience life without being "encouraged" to go to the meetings and being "witnessed" to by my mom.
I ended up meeting my now husband. Unfortunately I went thru ANOTHER traumatic experience and that was an abortion which initially didnt affect me whatsoever but later on down the line I felt a lot of guilt about what I went thru. As of now I've come to acceptance and have forgiven myself. It took me a while though. Anyways, I started feeling like there was some sort of void in my life, spiritually. During this time, I would visit and talk to my mom about my feelings, and of course she would encourage me to "come back to Jehovah". I got pregnant again so I started going to the meetings again so that I can "do whats right for me and my child" and "spare their life at Armageddon".To be honest I was only being motivated by fear and a sense of belonging and a sense of "getting my relationship back with Jehovah."
At that time I wasnt going to the meetings on a regular basis, still doing my own thing. I ended up studying with a sister who was an elder's wife in order to be reinstated. Very sweet couple.Probably almost a yr later I was reinstated. I started going in field service, and I remember distinctly one time me and the sister I studied with were talking about how she ran across a woman who was a Seventh Day Adventist. Then the sister mentioned how she believe JW broke off from that particular sect. I didnt think anything of it at the time though. After being at that cong for several months we moved. It was bitter sweet because I had a friendship with that sister not just within the cong but outside as well. When we moved to the new area severe Depression started settling in. The whole act of separating and moving to another area was troubling to me and it was pretty much outside of my comfort zone. I think it stemmed from my PTSD.
It was a couple months until I started going to the new local cong due to it being hard for me to readjust to a new area. I finally got up the nerves, me and my two young girls, to go to the meetings. My husband shown no interest in the religion. I just didnt feel comfortable at this cong. I felt like one of the elders were racist thats a whole notha story. And I overall I just felt alone even though the "friends" were there but I wanted my husband at my side too. Me and my husband would constantly have arguments...basically me pushing hims towards going to the meetings but he blatantly refused. So I got discouraged and stopped going. Some brothers and sisters were calling me but I wouldnt answer. I just didnt want to be bothered. I was going thru major depression. There was a time when I wanted to kill myself and was doing drugs and heavy drinking. My husband has really helped me though my ordeal and now I am feeling much better.
One day I heard a ring at the door bell and it was an elder,his family and a sister. They were the main ones I spoke to in the new cong. Matter of fact, the elder and his wife came to TX from New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina as well. I broke down in tears relating to them about my PTSD and Major depression and one of the sisters hugged me and was crying as well. After that, that was the last I heard from them....Its been 3mos and no one has called to see how I've been doing not even the elders.
Now I cant remember how I stumbled across this site but I started reading experiences and looking up info about Mind control programming, Mk Ultra, cults and the true history of JW. I started relating to my husband the info and he said he been knew that. And I was like why didnt you tell me and he said, "Well I TRIED but you were so defensive and quickly dismissed it." I was like,"HMMMM....WOW!" And I started apologizing to him and I started crying and he held me.
Then one day I was in the store, and I was talking to my mom on the phone. She asked me if I've been going to the meetings and I said No and she asked why. I was like 'Oh boy...' I really wasnt prepared to talk to her yet and the first thing that came to mind was the history of JW. So I asked her do you know the true history of JW. Then she mentioned about Rutherford and blah blah blah. Then the moment I said something about Russell she got all defensive and was like we dont follow him no more. I did more listening more than anything because everytime I would say something she would rudely cut me off as if she didnt want to hear what I had to say. After a long conversation she said she couldnt talk to me. Two days she calls me and I make no mention of our last discussion however she does. Then she said she was concerned that I was turning into an apostate. I asked," Mom, what is an apostate?" She told me the WT's definition and then I tried to reason with her as to how illogical it is to denounce someone evil if they dont agree with the teachings of the organization. I mentioned about the teachings changing throughout the years then of course she says how the light is getting brighter and blah blah blah. But I said,"If this is truly an organizations spirit directed by God, God is perfect so that means everything will be truth from the beginning...there would be no faltering of teachings. She really couldnt say nothing but kept asking where are u getting this info. from? Are u reading apostate info? Then I mention about the history and I so happen to remember that sister I studied with confirming my research of it being broke off from Seventh Day Adventist. I mentioned how the sister even said it and boy oh boy she was fired up. She said she was going to report the sister and tell the brothers on me. She asked if I want to still be a JW and I said NO. Then she said well youre going to have to tell the brothers and disassociate yourself and Im like ok mom. Then she said its the same as being DF'd and Im saying to myself how that didnt matter because when I was DF'd u were still talking to me lol. Then my younger sister called who is not baptized and is not living at home with my parents. She said, "Mama said something about how u may becoming an apostate." So I told her everything and she actually agreed with me. She said that's why she never got baptized because something just wasnt right and her heart wasnt really in it.
So now I am stuck, one part of me wants to DA myself the other part of me wants to just drift away. Im just really concerned about my parents. This is a dangerous cult and I guess Im scared this cult may lead them down a destructive path. I am truly afraid of losing my parents because I truly do have a good relationship with them. Now my mom is threatening to get this sister involved and tell the elders on me and her and I just dont know what to do. I feel reaching their hearts is hopeless.... :- ( Not only that I am a total wreck mentally and emotionally from being raised in this cult,being disfellowshipped, trauma from Hurricane Katrina,abortion and now concern for my parents lives. I believe in a Creator but no longer call him by Jehovah. Im not sure whether I want to continue not celebrating holidays or what. I just want to do the right thing and not deprive my girls. I mean due to my independent research I still dont want to celebrate a lot of holidays due to philosophical reasons. I dont want to inadvertantly be worshipping another god while celebrating certain Holidays either. Any advice?