crying at my grandma's house

lil.lady.03

I don't know why I'm telling you all this, but I broke down in tears today.

I went to my grandma and grandpa's today just to visit.
Most of my early memories are being with my grandma out in service while my mom was off to work.

i looked at her today. Over 30 years of faithful service and she is so run-down and tired. She is on a slew of medz esp for Lupus. She's anxiety ridden all the time about gettin her time in for the month.

I asked, "grandma how are you feeling today."
She said, "I feel better. This whole week I was feeling low, but I'm ok now. I better get out in service I haven't done anything this week."

I said, "Just take it easy, grandma. Listen to your body. It is ok to rest and take care of yourself first."
"I know I Know."

All the while she is asking me how my language group is coming I told her fine. She says she always tells the friends how proud she is of me. I don't like that at all. I haven't told her I stopped going.

Then some how we get on the topic of not feeling good enough. I told her that sometimes I feel like that. She said, yes. me too. I asked her why.
She said, "well, take today for instance I read the text and totally forgot what it was about. I can't concentrate. Its hard for me to meditate anymore." I told her, "grandma its ok if you didn't mediate today you have all those previous years of meditating. Just rest yourself."

Then she said "I try so hard but I'm so tired. I look at other friends who get answers to lessons and stuff right away and I feel so 'shamed. I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves but I don't ever feel good enough. some things i don't understand at all. We've have talks on it but still. I've never been smart like you youngn's. You make me proud"

We were talking while I was washing dishes and I just started crying. Outta no where. I washing aglass cup and broke without realizing.

I just got so mad and hurt.

here it my grandma has spent 50 plus years, 30 of which she was a full time pioneer and still feels less than. Feels bad she didn't make it to a meeting or service because her body is failing her.

I just cried. And her answer to me crying was "just pray. I cry a lot too.I just pray. Jehovah knows. don't worry about the glass. Its material things. I'm just glad my baby ain't hurt."

I love my grandma so much. I just feel like she's been lied to for so long. How do you tell someone that. Esp now? Esp when thier life has been so molded 'the truth'? She came to the truth cuz two of her children died at birth
I don't want to disappoint her.

AudeSapere

I just feel like she's been lied to for so long. How do you tell someone that.

Sometimes it's best to not say anything. Just love her and assure her that you are doing things that please God.

Spend quality time with her. Build fun memories. Be happy and be happy with her.

Yes, it's sad. But it is the life she chose. Now is not the time to criticize her for it or to push her to see something that she does not need or want to see.

-Aude.

Snoozy

I agree with Aude..let her have her dreams.

Snoozy

Incognito

Lil,

Good advice by AudeSapere.

After 50 years as an active JW, there is too much for her to loose in changing her belief system.

I think your emotional reaction stems from seeing that this 'religion' is not 'The Truth' yet your Grandma cannot see this herself. You love her and feel frustrated that although she has given so much of herself and has done so much already, she feels guilty about no longer being able to keep-up the pace and is beating herself up emotionally and is wearing herself down physically trying to do more.

The W/T is all about: 'never mind what you did yesterday, what have you done today?'

Always 'Do More!' - Never 'Great Job'.

thenoblelodge

I agree with the comments made about being careful with what you say/do. Your grandma has been in a cult for most of her life, it could totally break her and send her into deep depression if you say the wrong thing.

Don't despair your grandma needs you right now, she feels like she's letting God down, when infact she's letting a bunch of men in Brooklyn make her feel like she's rubbish. Give her all the support you can and who knows, she may wake up like you have.

((((hugs)))) Be strong

Heartofaboy

This describes how my mother sometimes feels about her service & meeting attendance now she is nearing her 80's & has ill health & mobility issues.

Thankfully she is coming to terms with her limitations & though she gets totally cheesed off with getting old she feels at peace with her relationship to Jehovah no matter that the Borg implies he is not.

lil.lady you obviously have a beautiful relationship with your grandma, one that will permit you to very gently help her see Jehovah in a much kinder light than she gets from the JW reading material.

Love to you

Hoab

zoiks

It's heartbreaking, I know, Lil'lady. Your love for your grandma is easy to see. Treasure your relationship with her, and, like HoaB said, focus on her relationship with her god and his love for her, his gratitude for her decades of faithful service.

I don't think that it's cynical or hypocritical to help her in that way.

wasblind

Ditto Aude

snowbird

(((((((lil.lady)))))))

Just went back and read your story from your first post.

Girl, just stay strong so you can be there for your g'ma and others when the crash comes, because come it will!

Peace and strength to you.

Syl

lil.lady.03

thanks every one for you kind words and thoughts. Its really hard to discuss something like this with someone who doesn't have a clue what you're talking about. Thank you all.

When I think about it, I don't think I have it in me to tell my grandma the truth about the truth. She can get emotionally upset really easily. ( I guess I get that from her. ). And I know she would just deny it. I'm just going to support her as far health and family relationship goes, at some ponit I do have to tell I'm not going to the meetings anymore.

I cried in my car all the way back to my house. My mom was home asked me what was the matter. I just said girl stuff. She was going over her talk for the meeting. She is in the Spanish group and was so excited about her talk.

I can't believe we're three generations deep of being deceived. That hurts.

crying at my grandma's house

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