insanity

flower

i am definately insane although i dont think it can all be blamed on the knowledge i've obtained recently and trying to deal with the aftermath. at least part of the reason is probably genetic. part just bad luck. part shy personality. i'm sure dubdom played a big part. the bastard father bears more than a little responsibility. as does the mother that turned a blind eye when i needed her support. maybe i am the biggest reason myself. maybe i'm just too weak minded. maybe there is some part of the brain that others use to pull through things and i just dont have that. or just dont use it correctly. anyway, here i am. insane as the guy in the straight jacket in the rubber room. just a different kind of insanity. i wish i was one of the brilliantly insane who spend years plotting some intricate plan to take over the world. but i'm unfortunately just insane.

i dont mean foaming at the mouth and shouting obscene language kind of insane. i mean the kind of insane where you are incapable of emotional growth. incapable of maintaining human relationships. ya know, crazy. not like rubber room crazy. i mean the kind of crazy where you look normal to people and you are intelligent and seem to be normal in almost every way. and the things people find unpleasant about you they write off as moodiness or snobbiness or superiority complex. cause they have no idea whats going on in your head.

maybe theres another word for it. i like 'insane' though. its an incurable disease. like any physical disease that is deadly and incurable. only this one is in the head so people dont see it. but they should try to understand that its the same thing. i mean people that assist terminally ill people to die are called 'angels of mercy' and get support from some people. and those who dont support them still understand. so where are the angels of mercy for people with incurable insanity? not fair that some people have to do it themselves.

flower
and yes this is the same person who wrote the post earlier tonight in response to all those touching replys. i'm insane remember? i can change my mind on a whim. no i dont have MPD. i just have insanity.

FreePeace

Hi Flower,

Maybe you are just experiencing the fallout and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom of your past and need some time to heal. Please also don't forget to give yourself a break. You deserve it. Hell, we all deserve it.

FreePeace
"The World is my country, and to do good, my religion." --Thomas Paine
TruthQuest: http://beam.to/truthquest
Who Am I? -How to Reinvent Yourself After Leaving the WTS

TR

Flower,

I don't think you're insane. I just think you need more time away from the borg to sort your thoughts. Just find some healthy activities to keep your mind occupied and don't let "borg guilt" get to you. I know, easier said than done, but there is so much more for you to offer and more you can get out of life.

TR

"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
--Benjamin Franklin, 1759

refiners fire

Flower.
Im going to hit you in the face.
One thing is certain.
As long as you keep telling yourself a thing it will be a fact for you. Keep telling yourself youre insane, youre unworthy, youre stupid, and those thoughts will turn into reality and be true.
The messages we give to ourself...Im talking about the thoughts we think to ourself, and the language we use when we are talking to ourself inside our own head, those different voices talking...the language and words they use is very important.

Heres just a sample of what one part of your mind is telling your other mind to believe:

...."I am definitely insane...I am the biggest reason.....Im weak minded...I just dont have the ability...Here I am, insane...Im just insane...Im incapable of emotional growth...Im incapable of having a relationship...Im, you know, crazy...Its incurable"....

The longer you keep telling yourself this, the more true it will become. Every time you think these thoughts you REINFORCE the rotten opinion you have of yourself.
Do somethin about it.

1) get yourself a boyfriend,a relationship with someone you care about will make 90 percent of your troubles go away...poof!

2) Get yourself some books about positive thinking and do some Affirmations. Get up, look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself how bloody good you are... if you do that... after a while you will start to believe it.

Now pull your finger out and get to work.

tyydyy

Hey there flower,
I know just what your thinking. I was there for a while after I left the borg. Some of the feelings you are describing I felt too. I hope you just have fun with it right now and don't take things too seriously. You have to be able to let the deep stuff go sometimes. Just think about trivial things. Start reading the fluff posts. Stay away from the posts that make you think too much about your past life. Think about kids playing together. Think about how the air smells first thing in the morning. Think about how much you love your children. We all feel have felt like we're losing control of our mental capacities after leaving the Borg. We wondered it we did the right thing. After all we were happier then. Right? Go down to your local community college or YWCA and sign up for a simple course. Some courses are only one hr a week but they can help you relearn your social skills. You need to mix with "worldly" people to discover that they are good people too.
Hang in there. You are loved here even if we don't know you that well. Even if we haven't had a beer with you. We do care about you.

TimB

refiners fire

Go get yourself a video, any video with Muhammad Ali. Interviews,
The film, "When we were Kings".
Watch Ali giving himself messages all the time, all he does is tell himself how good he is, and how hes gonna win.

Hey, flower if you want some real serious book recommendations, a genuine place to start that will test your intellect (which is high by the way) email me and I'll recommend some powerful stuff that WORKS.

Your decision...

Nathan Natas

Flower,

"Show me your insanity."

That's a derivation of a Zen Koan. I'll bet you're no more insane than most of us here.

Do you have an organic disorder that causes your insanity, like Huntington's Disease? I hope not, and I doubt that you do.

You are more likely a product of poor programming practices. Mental programming. Bad memes and lost dreams.

Increasing your level of physical activity might be helpful. No marathons; just take a walk around your neighborhood or a park you feel safe in a few times a week. Take up boxing or ballroom dancing.

Don't go searching for a partner - search for yourself and you'll find a partner.

You think you're insane - HA! - I can run rings around your insanity, unless you're a pyromanic vivisectionist sociopath.

...but just in case, stay away from pets and matches until you feel better, OK?

bitter mango

hey flower, sorry you're going through such a rough time right now. i'm glad you can at least express it somewhere. i hope things get a little brighter and you start to feel better soon. you have a beautiful little boy who needs mommy to be feeling good. take care.

bea

larc

flower,

I agree with refiner's fire. If you tell yourself you are hopeless and you are no damn good it will all come true. As refiner's fire pointed out, you don't have to tell yourself these things. Look in the mirror every morning and say, I love myself. You may not believe your own words at first, but eventually you will. On this forum, please go to search and find a thread, "10 nutty beliefs." I think it could do you a world of good.

flower

good point refiner,

guess that explains it all. wish someone had told me that 20 years ago.

oh well,

flower

insanity

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