Help me...

rafreuter

I wish this weren't the way I greeted the board. I've been lurking here for about 2 years now, but was unable to really interact because of limitations of my iPod browser (you can't post from there) and the parental controls on my computer.

Well 2 years later, I'm a big boy, turned 18 and moved out. Left a note of disassociation and said good riddance.

Best decision of my life, right? Well, no. I've only just moved out Monday and I can't sleep. Food doesn't taste the same. I can't focus in school and I miss my family regardless of whether or not they accept me. You see, I left because I'm gay and understood totally that's not accepted within the organization. Upon finding this out, i began to question the organization and it's supposed inspired knowledge and "food at the right time." I thought, "If the organization truly believes that homosexuality is a choice (which anyone who is gay definitely knows it is not) then how could they be so sure about everything else?" and the rest is basically history. Prophecy failures, doctrinal flaws, the generation teaching, to name a few.

But now that I've crossed my Rubicon, I can't help but feel I'm slowly dying on the inside. I moved in with a Family that is caring, i have the best friends in the world to support me, so I'm running out of things to fill the void. I'm considering going back even if that means I have to lull myself back to sleep in regards to the flaws of the organization. At this point, suprresing my sexuality doesnt even sound so bad. What's freedom if I'm not happy? I just can't help but feel like Winston at the end of 1984...

So I guess what I'm asking for is pros and cons of moving back which essentially involves being a witness. Is this just something I'm going to have to deal with for a bit? Or is it always like this?

Thanks in advance.

Lady Lee

Just like a person who is going through withdrawal from smoking or other addiction you are going through the same kind of withdrawl.

KNOW THAT IT WILL END

The second will be easier than the first. The third week easier than the second and so on.

But give yourself a chance.

Depending on where you live there might be some gay ex-JWs that can offer support and a soft place to fall when you are really hurting

St George of England

Never been in your position but having moved out and made the break at 18 I would NEVER GO BACK! I was over 60 when I found out so I really jealous of your decision at such an early age.

Stick in there, you will make friends (real friends, not conditional on your beliefs, sexuality etc) and fill your life with good things to do. Are you planning on College or University? Plan for the future, Armageddon is NOT coming any time soon.

George

tec

I think its the same as grief. You are in mourning, right decision or not. I'm not the best qualified to help you on this, but I did feel what you are describing. Emptiness. That void. Loneliness.

Personally, I prayed for that to end. I looked up others who felt the same, even under different circumstances. I found connection with others who felt the same as me, or who had felt the same as me - and there was comfort in that. Those feelings did fade - but I had no one in the WTS to lose, so my story is different than yours.

But just knowing that others understand and felt the same, helps. You'll find both here, and ultimately, any decision you make is yours, and no one has the right to judge you for it.

Tammy

rafreuter

Thank you both. Lady Lee, I've told myself that no matter how I feel, I'm forcing myself a month in my new living situation to see how "the other side" is. So you're post was helpful in helping me see I wasn't the only one thinking that way :]

St. George, Thanks for the sentiments :] and yes, I'm going to college fall '11. Even if i were to go back, i don't think i would allow myself to be told not to plan for the future, I'd still have myself and others to help out.

compound complex

Greetings, Rafreuter:

Welcome and please stick around. There's love, acceptance and professional advice (Lady Lee) here; this includes those who understand first hand what you're feeling.

Do you know how to open your personal messages?

Until next time,

CoCo

Broken Promises

Any time you make a drastic life choice, it is not unusual to have second thoughts. Perhaps the new job isn’t as wonderful as you imagined it to be, the new lover isn’t as sexually fulfilling as you expected, you start to see flaws in that perfect house you just bought. Do you see what I mean?

This is the first big life change of your life. And it was pretty drastic – leaving home, leaving your religion, living openly as a gay person. It's not surprising for you to be taken back by the huge changes you've just made.

Give it time.

I know what it’s like to leave home at an early age (I was kicked out) so I can empathise. Just give it time for you to adjust to your new home and life will slowly fall into place.

rafreuter

Tec, thanks for your words of encouragement. It does help to know that I'm not so alone.

Coco, I'll definitely be here in the month I've alotted myself. and yeah, I know how to open my PM's :]

Broken Promises, I guess the thing is that for the past two years I thought this would be such a liberating experience. And then for it to fall apart right in front of me..

I guess what's getting me is the way i saw my mom cry the next day. How my dad said i killed him when i told him i was gay. I know at some point, I have to be independent from my parents, but I can't imagine its this difficult for everyone who goes off for college or just goes to work in another state.

laverite

Rafreuter,

Hi there, Rafreuter, from another gay here! I was even more freaked out than you. And at 18, I had hardly any worldly friends yet (one good friend), and left. No family support, nothing. I went and made a life for myself. I was terrified. I was totally scared silly. I wanted it more than anything I could imagine, but I was scared to death. After a month it was better. After 3, better still. You will still have ups and downs. But you can live a richer life, true to who you are.

My story is here: http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/jw/friends/193679/1/From-Pioneer-to-Professor-My-Story

(Please note that although I use the term "pioneer" in my story, I was only pioneering during summers, breaks, etc. Not the "real" deal like many on here who did regular pioneering for real. I couldn't pass it up for the title though...lol).

Love,

-LV

Chalam

Welcome rafreuter :)

The WT are totally homophobic. Why would you want to put yourself through the torment of returning to such a highly judgemental organisation?!

John 3:16-17 (New International Version)

16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

Jesus did not come to judge but to save, see here for example John 8

Blessings,

Stephen

Help me...

John 3:16-17 (New International Version)

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