I, like OTWO in another thread, never really had a bad experience with JWs. I never had any case of molestation come up in the the many congregations I served in. I never had any major beefs with any elder body. Very often I was in congregations that displayed genuine love among themselves. I was born and raised in the org and had an incredible loving childhood environment and I had tons of friends. I never did get in any trouble besides normal mischief. The only Judicial Committees I've ever been to are ones I went to as an elder - and luckily for me they really were all pretty much cut and dry. When I stopped believing, I had not been to even one ex-jw site. I never read any "apostate literature". I had not, and still to this day, have not read Ray Franz. I even personally knew a few major "apostates" that caused big stirs in certain areas, and one is still somewhat of a notable internet presence to this day. I thought this one guy was an arrogant jerk before he was an apostate, and from what I've seen he hasn't changed. What this means though, is that nobody can ever tell me that I was influenced by apostate thinking. To this day there are some of the more notorious apostates that I know who do not have my sympathy, as they still are jerks like when they were witnesses. In essence, when it came to the origin of my disbelief, it really would be impossible to say I sympathized or was influenced by apostates. Neither can anyone tell me that I was influenced by bad things being allowed to happen in the congregation (not saying that hasn't affected some - I just never personally saw anything major and I served on bodies from the east coast to the west and in between). Moreover, nobody can tell me that I wanted to leave to practice an immoral "worldy" lifestyle. I have a wife and family and our relationship transcends religion. I barely drink, and have never even had a desire to smoke or do drugs, and I am meticulously honest on my taxes. I've never had depression or needed to take medication for any kind of anxiety disorder.
I say all this just to make one point: All the reasons that JWs usually say people leave - none of them apply to me. I simply, of my own accord, saw a major flaw in one of our teachings, one that we actually share among most Judeo/Christian bible believing religions. I first learned of this flaw while I was informal witnessing. A colleague of mine brought up something I was not able to refute, and I researched and researched (all WT pubs and Bible) until I exhausted everything I had at my disposal. I asked long-time elders, bethelites, COs, ex-missionaries - nothing. "Wait on Jehovah". I did wait too, for seven years. I waited, I prayed, I talked discreetly to brothers but otherwise kept it to myself (my own family had no idea what I was going through as I didn't want to risk their faith), I researched more and more - all JW pubs or secular research. I thought I could put it away - store it in my mind. pretend that it wasn't that big of deal and didn't really affect me today. Except for one thing. If we were wrong about this one very important fundamental teaching - what else might we be wrong about?
Well one day, I'm researching something for a blood part on the meeting that I had, and discover that white blood cells are passed on during breast feeding. Over the next couple weeks it hits me - why are white blood cells a forbidden fraction? Well one thing leads to another and I decide to talk to a close friend and elder who was a former bethelite. In the end, he said he had some concerns about things like 1914 and all the failed date prophecies. But he said that many "higher ups" get taught that some may not agree with current WT doctrine and that it's ok as long as you don't share it with others. He said that's what is told to some in CO school and Gilead. Of course that didn't sit too well with me.If COs and Gilead students can be told that sometimes it's ok to not agree with all things WT, why can't all JWs be taught that concept - aren't we all Christians?
Anyway I still decided to not worry too much but I would do one thing - I would spend a year giving thought to my concerns only while reading the Bible and praying. WHen I did those things I would give attention to my concerns - but other than that I wouldn't worry about them and would go along being a busy JW. And I did. I read the entire Bible through twice with my concerns in mind - particularly the blood issue, and my original concern that got brought up when I was informal witnessing - but also now the 1914 issue. At this time I still had not gone to anything on the internet. My second time through the Bible in that year (probably my 13th or 14th in my lifetime) I came to the conclusion that the blood transfusion ban is unscriptual and also, that a prophecy pointing to 1914, much less other "parallel" prophecies for our day, were utter speculation at best, and pure garbage at worst - but definitely not scripturally factual enough to base core doctrine on.
Yep - I came to all these conclusions doing exactly and only what the WT said I should. I simply used my own thiking ability, the Bible, and Watchtower publications. There was some discreet talk with fellow JWs in good standing - but nothing more. For seven years I prayed and I waited. Then I realized that before I knew it I would be an old man; that I was waiting not on God but on men. I felt like such a sucker. I saw the worst part of myself - I wasn't the great fun loving spiritually balanced guy I pictured myself as. I was this judgmental asshole that had gone through life pitying people that didn't have the same belief as me. Saying that I was being compassionate by telling them their type of belief in god or their lack of belief was wrong. Telling them that we got our message from the Bible only - well the bible... and some men that have been blessed with special insight into the bible, that amazingly enough are granted supernatural guidance by Christ to understand the truth.
I realized then and there that my life could never be the same. This was all due mainly to
1) my thinking ability taught by my witness upbringing, that is to really prove something is true, don't just believe it.
2) My application of informal Witnessing - applying points about 'not being quick to judge them' - 'hear what they have to say' - 'and if you don't know the answer - go research it and get back to them.' I did that with the trinity and hellfire many times in the past - no problem. This time though, this issue, I had a big dilemma.
3) My research took me to watchtowers and Awakes that were sorely lacking in up-to-date information. The source material was very rarely cited and really quite illogical as my return visit quickly tore my attempted refutes apart. All in all, on my original concern, there was nothing published that addressed the issue with any serious logic or resources
4) I read the Bible without bias either way - but with a desire to come to whatever conclusions a prayerful study of the bible with my concerns might lead to. I read it not once but twice - and even started it a third time within the same year.
5) Talk to more experienced brothers - circuit overseers, trusted long-time elders - none could add any further reasonable answer to my first issue, and later with the blood fraction issue, they didn't know what to say either. Some asked if I had seen something on the internet? I didn't think there was anything about these issues on ex-JW sites (I was a bit naive - probably because the only ex-jw site I ever ran across had blood dripping down it as a background and looked like Gollum ran the site) So I was kind of surprised to hear them say there would have been anything on the net about my specfic concern. But I hadn't looked at any ex-Jw site and I didn't until much later - long after I stopped believing. In the meantime, I was told to keep waiting on Jehovah - and I did.
But it didn't matter, because my mind knew what it had found, or what it had found severely lacking. For all of the above reasons, and nothing else whatsoever, I had no choice but to conclude that what we believed was incorrect with regard to my original concern as well as blood fractions/transfusions and 1914 parallel prophecies. Also from reading the bible only, I had discovered the idea of disfellowhipping, the way we practiced it, was unscriptural.
So, like a few others I've seen here, the path I have gone down came about only because I followed the Watchtower's instruction. My life revolved around the WT. Every facet of my life and thought process was tied to my parent's religion. To their parents religion. To my great grand parents' religion. But they were no longer my beliefs. What do I believe now? I don't really know, and I don't really care as far as religion goes. I found this place to see if I might find some insight, and it's been interesting to say the least. I do feel a certain connection to some.
However the more I think about, the more I realize that I know a lot of folks that have moved on from the JW religion (most moved on from religion altogether) in their lives. They never come to ex-anything sites. They're too busy living. I realize those are who I relate to more than anyone else. And I really need to get to that place quickly. But I'm also glad I came here for the few months I did. It was good for me while I was in this kind-of limbo period of my life. But I also see the risk of getting stuck in a bottomless pit, if I stay here.
So with that being said, I'll let you know what the issue that lingered with me for seven years was - brought up in service and researched till exhaustion: the supposed global flood 4000+ years ago where we all came from along with the animals ... and my bottom line conclusion? Yeah - that never happened - not like JWs or any other fundies teach - and I don't care what Jehiccup MiCaCa says.
So maybe this will be useful to somebody. In particluar though if there are some JWs lurking - either out of curiosity or maybe you're looking to catch a dissenter so you can bring him to a JC. If you ever wondered about that brother that just one day wasn't there. Maybe we were friends and I didn't really say goodbye to you. All the sudden I was just gone and before long I was a memory - someone you talked about and maybe said - "hey whatever happened to Brother Just N?" Somebody else may say - "I heard he's inactive, I'm not sure what happened though." Well - now you know. And as for that goodbye, if you wanted something dramatic - like a disfellowshipping or a scandal, I'm not that guy. (Try Moshe - I believe he's the Kenny Powers of former JWs).
But if you're a browsing Witness that thinks they might know me from this post - or you recognize some similarities of that one guy or gal that just one day wasn't there anymore and forgot to say goodbye. The truth is, you know why we had to do that. For all such ones and really for everybody here, this is the goodbye you never got:
In case I don't see you ... good afternoon, good evening, and good night!