Another thread to my story

by MrFreeze 13 Replies latest jw experiences

  • MrFreeze

    This is a story that is very hard for me to tell. As a matter of fact, this is really one of the only times I've told this story. A few years back, I met a girl while at the local community college. She was absolutely awesome. She was just tremendous and just an absolutely beautiful girl, in so many ways. We started to hang out. Then it started to get a little serious. We started to date. Only one problem was I was in the JW's. I still believed for the most part at that time. Plus how would my family react to this news? I didn't want to risk destroying my family ties for some girl who I didn't know how serious it was actually going to get. I never told anybody about her. Not my JW friends and most certainly not my family. I hid the relationship as well as I could. We pretty much only hung out by ourselves or with her group of friends (and a couple of people I knew that weren't JW's and I knew I could trust).

    Well within the first month and a half she wanted to know why I rarely brought any of my friends around or why I never introduced her to my family. I tried to explain the situation to her, the reasons why I couldn't. She didn't understand. She thought I was making the whole thing up. She thought maybe I was embarrased by her or something. You have to keep in mind that she battled depression which led to self-esteem issues. So it was pretty rough. I did my best to assure her that I did care about her and that at this time I just couldn't. Despite the rough patch there we kept on seeing eachother.

    We continued to grow closer until we were together about 7 months. Around this time I was seriously considering letting my family know about the relationship. Then disaster struck. I knew she had been a little depressed lately. It was normal for her to go through bouts of depression. About 11 o clock one night, I turned my phone off as I usually do and went to sleep. So I wake up the next morning and turn my phone on. I had missed three calls from her as well as about 5 text messages. She left me a voicemail. I checked the voicemail. She said while crying, "I wanted to talk with you but it's obvious you don't really care that much about me so this is goodbye." I didn't know what to think at this point. I thought maybe she was just breaking off the relationship. Then I checked a second voicemail that had been left. It was from her sister. She was in the hospital and had overdosed on anti-depressant medication. So I run to the hospital get there and find out she had died.

    That was the absolute worst moment of my life as you can surely imagine. The guilt I felt was absolutely crushing. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I had spurts where I felt like my chest was caving in and I couldn't breathe. If I had just disclosed the relationship, everything would have been fine. None of her family and friends really knew the real situation, I don't think. They pretty much knew she had been upset about an argument or a disagreement she had with me. They never did blame me though. I tried to tell her sister that it was my fault. She told me not to blame myself for it. I tried to pin the blame on myself but she wouldn't have any of it. Her sister said "She had depression. Sometimes there is nothing you can do. The only thing you can do when something like this happens is just dwell on the good times because it doesn't do any good looking at the past with regrets." Those words brought me some comfort.

    We were both 18. It's been a little over three years since then. I still feel guilty about it. I've not dated anyone since either. I don't know when I'll be able to bring myself to do it either. I don't know why it's taken me this long with the whole situation, but I've only recently begun to fade as a JW. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell my JW family about this because I don't think any good will come of it. Well that's my story. I thank all of you for listening.

  • notverylikely

    Dude. That sucks.

    First, understand that wasn't your fault. It's really easy to imagine you could have fixed it or prevented it, but you simply do not know.She obviously had some depression and other issues going on. You can't and couldn't have fixed those, JW issues aside.

    Second, get the fuck out of the JW's. It's ruined my relationship with my wife to the point of divorce and but by a small miracle almost destroyed the other relationships I've had.


  • Simon Morley
    Simon Morley

    MRFREEZE: Don't beat yourself up. Just think that in some way you stalled her exit from this world and for a few brief moments you brought some joy to her troubled life. Cherish them - they are special.

  • VampireDCLXV

    Wow... A second hand casualty of the WTS policies that normally drive ones on the inside mad. How's that for collateral damage.

    Man. I'm so sorry to hear that. That's just awful. I can't even imagine the guilt you must feel... Again, I'm so sorry. I hope you can eventually move beyond beating yourself up for this. Really, you know who's fault it truly is. (A clue: It's a group of grumpy, sadistic old men wearing cheap suits in Brooklyn.) Like others have and will continue to advise you; get away and stay away from the borg. Staying close to them will... mess... you... up. These people are toxic. Make new friends on the outside, ASAP.

    Take care,


  • nelly136

    They never did blame me though. I tried to tell her sister that it was my fault. She told me not to blame myself for it. I tried to pin the blame on myself but she wouldn't have any of it. Her sister said "She had depression. Sometimes there is nothing you can do.

    i think maybe there was more going on with this girl than you were privvy to as regards to the depression, if the sister was saying its not your fault then its not. cos if they thought you were to blame in any way, you'd have been let know in no uncertain terms.

  • Hadit

    I'm so sorry for your pain and sadness. What a tragic loss. It must have been very hard putting your story into words and reliving those moments. I certainly hope that it will be a beginning of a healing process for you. Please do not blame yourself, I know it is easier said than done but please don't. There are many factors involved in depression and sometimes no matter what we do or say it doesn't get through to the person. I agree with what Simon Morley said - meeting you stalled her exit. You brought a ray of sunshine into her life and some love and happiness. You had a hand in touching someone's life for the better. Cherish the memories and the time you had with her.

    Take good care of yourself and I wish you healing and happiness.

  • Mattieu

    I feel your pain MrFreeze, hoping you can move on and stay positive bud Cheers, Mattieu

  • thenoblelodge

    So sorry for you

    You are so young to be carrying this around with you, so please don't let it ruin or affect your life in anyway. The poor girl had depression so anything could have caused her to go into a downward spiral.

    You were thinking of going to your parents and telling them about the relationship, you were willing to put yourself through a bucket load of problems for your you have nothing to feel guilty for. She had an illness that caused her to take her own life.

  • MrFreeze

    Thanks for all the support everyone. I do realize there was a lot more going on with her than just our relationship but it's just something that I'll carry with me, probably for many years. It does feel good to tell that story to more than just one or two people though. Thanks everyone.

  • Aussie Oz
    Aussie Oz

    That is really sad Mr Freeze but dont keep blaming yourself. You were only following your normal routine of turning the phone off at night.

    That she percieved that as a sign cannot be attributed to you, but only to her then troubled mind. Any other time and she might have just shrugged it off with a 'thats what he does to sleep'...

    Life is too short to live by 'what if's', i hope that in telling your story that it helps you heal what must be a deep cut.

    all the best


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