How to help a JW who may be gay

by serenitynow! 17 Replies latest jw friends

  • darkuncle29

    I agree with Steve: no matter how well intentioned, meddling in another's life is messy unwelcomed business. Moreso because of the JW religion. Even MORE with being gay.

    The best thing you can do, if you are SO intent on doing something, is to communicate to him that you value him and his friendship. For him to ask that of his dad as a child, makes me sad for who that little kid was. The anguish that that response may have implanted in him then, is likely still there with bells on, and that is why he is Bethel-Pioner-Uber-Jdub. So, not only would you have to make it past his JW armor, but beneath that is the gay soul clinging to the JW armour with all its strength because to face its gay self is too unbearable.

    I applaud your care and concern for your friend, and that is what he will need if this ever comes out and he comes out.


    "How to help a JW who may be gay"

    Tell him/her to go watch some TV.

    Focus on the Family: Do you believe homosexuality is inherited?

  • darkuncle29
  • steve2

    " I grew up gay in the organization and would have hated you had you tried to help me"
    I don't understand, why?

    You sound like you'd be a really good friend - so my blunt reply must be puzzling, if not rude. here's what I meant and should have said:

    The gay individual who is still involved in a religious organization that teaches him to condemn the gay part of himself usually experiences high levels of ambivalence towards his orientation, believing somedays that he may be able to overcome it. It's a rollercoaster, to say the least.

    Your interest in trying to help him will make him feel genuinely exposed, as if you can see inside him to what is really going on. After all, he has never told you he is gay; you are summising it from your observations. Further, you don't know how he actually feels about his sexuality or the organization. You'll have a real job on your hands if one part of him wants to come out and the other part is terrified. Allow this young man to find his own way - he probably knows about counselling services he could avail himself of if he wanted to.

    Now, if he had opened up to you, disclosing what was in his heart of hearts, that would be different story. But he hasn't op[ened up to you. So, be a genuinely supportive presence, ready to help if that's what he wants. Just don't be a well-meaning but interfering presence.

    BTW, google the term "ego dystonic homosexual" and you'll find a vast literature on self-hatred among gays that has a lot to do with environmental pressure and expectations.

  • Scott Terry
    Scott Terry

    Hey Serenity...I think it's wonderful what you're attempting to do...if only it could be that easy. I am a gay man who left the JWs, and I write a blog for on my experience. I think that the conclusion you could draw from all of the comments to your question is that all of the people who wrote in are correct. It usually takes a combination of things to allow a gay person to find their way out of the Kingdom Hall, and as you know, there really is no room in the Kingdom Hall for gay or lesbian people. Being condemned for something you have no control over is an impossible battle, and I hope your friend finds his way out (although of course, it is possible that he is not gay, but it's nice of you to be supportive.)

    In my case, I made it out of the Kingdom Hall by accident. It had nothing to do with being gay, and it was only through time, and supportive non-Witnesses, and even things like TV (per one of the comments to your post), that I was able to see clearly. I think that accepting the fact that I am gay is what allowed me to abandoned The Truth once and for all, but your friend is going to have to find his own path out.

    You might suggest that he visit a few choice websites for additional information. I don't know how on earth you would do that...perhaps, "Hi Friend. I think you might be gay. Have you ever visited".....okay, that won't really work. I don't know how you will get him to view information that refutes what he has been told by the Witnesses, but information is key.

    And there is a group devoted to LGBTexWitnesses called A Common Bond.

    You could also refer him to my blog on titled A Gay Exit From The Truth which is

    Additionally, Freeminds now hosts a forum for gay and lesbian Witnesses to share their stories (and hopefully offer support). That forum is titled In And Out of The Kingdom Hall Closet at

    Thanks so much, Scott Terry

  • scotsman

    Have to agree with Steve2.

    I was a gay JW in my mid twenties who had to put up with people asking if, or telling me, I was gay. It wasn't at all helpful. I came out when I was ready/couldn't bare being closeted anymore. Being supportive when someone comes out rather than trying to prise them out is how you help. If he knows he's gay, the chances are he'll know the resources available, there's even online support for gay JWs which, as much as I personally think it's a nonsense, does appear to be genuine.

  • wasblind

    You know, i believe in principles, especially in matters like this

    but because all judgement has been given to the Son, it's not

    my place to judge, so that makes me free to show love, to anyone

    showing love doesn't mean your in agreement with things you disagree

    with. The Bible tells us to love our neighbor and not to judge, to do otherwise

    is not christian. All of us slip into judging at times, we make that mistake because

    we're human, but we shouldn't try to take that job from the one who it has been given to

    Jesus Christ

  • Pineapple

    This was a very hard thing for me! I am Gay and 23 yo. I came out when I turned 21. I was Very active... was a regular pioneer, dad an elder 5 generations JW. Uncle is a CO. lots of pioneers/elders/ect in my family.

    I was the poster child of the congregation, Numerous convention/assembly parts/ MS.

    OK in my heart I wanted to serve Jehovah with a whole heart/mind/soul..... Thats what ate me up. I knew that in me was a contradiction. I felt like while i wanted to do good, what was bad was present with me! I couldnt shake it.

    If he is gay, he knows it, its confusing, but the time just has to be right for him.... the best think i would say... is be a VERY CLOSE FRIEND! so when he is ready, he will naturally come out to someone he feels is most likely to accept him.

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