How to help a JW who may be gay

by serenitynow! 17 Replies latest jw friends

  • serenitynow!

    This is something I think about from time to tiime. I have a male friend, staunch JW that I think could be gay. Family very hard-core JW. What, if anything could be said or done in a kind and gentle way to get him to think his way out of the org? I don't want to come out and ask him, but I don't want him to stay JW and lead a miserable life because he could not have a significant other if he is gay. He's in his mid twenties and has only had one girlfriend as far as I know. He's been kind of a "golden child" never getting into any trouble, didn't rebel in his teen years like so many of us, always does what he's told, pioneered, went to Bethel, etc. The past few times I've talked to him he seems so irritable, tense, and unhappy.


  • VoidEater

    It depends on well he is aware of himself. If he's still deeply closeted even to his own appraisal, and if he is deeply self-loathing, any mention of his being gay can put him into a panic and think you are totally out to get him for some reason.

    If his state is not obvious, you might mention you have a friend, and how they are gay, and how you think it's ok and still like them. His response will define where to go next. But your foray needs to be low key and circumspect, no drama, nothing highlighting it as a Big Deal.

    Perhaps in a decade or so you'll both be able to look back on it and laugh about how careful everyone had to be.

    Don't be surprised if at some point he says he's gay, then jumps to "I am so NOT gay", back and forth, as part of his process. It would be helpful if he knew there were other gay Christians, other gay ex-JWs - that he can choose to accept his orientation without tossing belief in God (that might be important), or that there is life after JW.

    Maybe do a little research about gay-friendly churches in the area, or some Websites that talk about "What does the Bible really say about hmosexuality?" - which is the title of a great little paperback, available from Amazon.

    I think a key is to find resources for him (should he come out to you) that being gay does not make him the opposite of what he used to be - there's a big world out there full of all kinds of gay people, and being gay is just a tiny part of his humanity. It just sometimes seems huge.

    Hope this helps! - VE (of the gay-but-it's-no-big-deal ex-jw class)

  • serenitynow!

    I'll always remember one day when we were kids he had to have been less than 10, for some reason he asked, "Daddy, am I gay?" I can't remember what prompted that question, but his dad, a very man's man PO bellowed, "No!" The family is very much about the JW perfect family appearance so it would likely devastate his parents if he is.

  • Heartbreaker

    Oh Serenity, that just made me so sad for the little boy this man was. With different parents, he could have blossomed into a totally different individual.

    I have 2 sons, and as much as I don't want them to be gay because it's not an easy way of living, not because I don't love gay people...lets be clear, I still want to keep in my mind these reactions here, and pray to I don't know what anymore that I handle it better than that man did, should I need to.

  • steve2

    Your well-intentioned "help" is not welcome. I grew up gay in the organization and would have hated you had you tried to help me. Credit your friend with some ability to make his opwn way through life.

  • serenitynow!

    " I grew up gay in the organization and would have hated you had you tried to help me"

    I don't understand, why?

  • XPeterX

    The Org. has said in the past that if a man or woman really wants to serve God then they can overcome their homosexuallity.

  • serenitynow!

    The org has also said in the past that black people could become white through the power of prayer.

    I say if you're gay in the org, leave it and be gay and serve god in a church. But I believe everyone should leave the org.

  • Mad Sweeney
    Mad Sweeney

    I grew up gay in the organization and would have hated you had you tried to help me.

    Yeah, but that's because you were a Dub.

    Credit your friend with some ability to make his opwn way through life.

    Yeah, but he's a Dub and we all are aware that born-in Dubs have arrested ability to make their own way through life. Look at how many of us born-ins didn't get out until our 30s or 40s when our lives were already half over or more. If this kid can get pulled out of the Borg in his 20s, it doesn't matter if it's because he's gay or just because he's another victim of the Watchtower. I think serenity's question was sincere and she just feels the "gay" status of this kid might be an angle. If you don't think it is a good one, based on your past perspective, that's appreciated, but I'm of the view that EVERYONE in the Borg deserves a shot at getting out.

  • serenitynow!

    Thanks MS. I've said this many times. One has to be creative when giving info about the WT to JWs. Everybody doesn't care about 607, the UN thing, the constant doctrinal changes, etc. You have to find what may trigger the person to wake up. For me, it was opening the study WT and finally seeing the level of manipulation. My sister is more concerned with lack of love and acceptance in the congregation.

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