My dad's headstone

by loosie 15 Replies latest social family

  • loosie

    My dad passed away last December. I am his only child. my brothers and sisters have a different dad. He was in the army. So his wife ( my step mom) ordered a headstone from the VA. The day of his furneral my aunts, dad wife and myself discussed what should be on it. ( nobody on this side of the family is a JW)

    It was to be an upright stone that read "Beloved Husband brother and father."

    On memorial day we went to the cemetary to palce flowers and scrub up the family stones. My son is at that cemetary as well. I palced a statue at my son's headstone and a stone at my dad's that had a nice little quote on it.

    Dad's stone turned out to be a flat stone that read "beloved husband and brother"... Not at all what we discussed. No mention of father or grandfather.

    My aunt told me that his wife ordered the stone upright and reading " beloved husband brother and father". My other aunt gave me some of dads legal papers and in it was the first page of the order form for the stone. So today I called the VA to see what the other page of the order form said. Well guess what It asked for a flat stone that read "beloved husband and brother"

    Ok so no I am mad. My plan is too when I get done with college and get a full time job to replace the headstone with one that is upright and includes the whole family and has his picture on it.

    What would you do if you were in my shoes?

  • StAnn

    So sorry to hear this. I know it was very hurtful. Something similar was done to my aunt by her stepmother.

    Well, I definitely wouldn't be concerned about taking care of the evil stepmother in her old age.

    You should send her a card to let her know that you know what she did (that the VA confirmed it) and that you hope never to hear from her again. Then move on.


  • loosie

    I am not evil stepmother has three well off kids to help her. I wished she'd move to Ca now to live with them.

    This woman plays dumb when you confront her with something she did or said. And it isn't because she is old and senile, because she's been like this since the 1980's. I can't see how my dad ever lived with her.

  • Mad Dawg
    Mad Dawg

    Talk to whomever is in charge of the cemetary. Ask them what it would take to change the stone. You might have to wait 'till the old shrew dies and you become next of kin.

    Is she planning on being buried next to your Dad? You may end up with some say on HER stone ! If that is the case, you can play massive head games with her - if you are inclined.

  • nugget

    It was a thoughtless act. The fact that what you were told and what was done varied would indicate that she was ashamed of what she did. Putting it at face value your stepmother has ordered the stone that reflects her relationship with your father. She failed to take into account his earlier relationships and this was poor judgement on her part. She realised her error and tried to escape embarrassment by blaming it on clerical error.

    What I suggest is approach your step mother and say that you appreciate that she may be distressed that the stone did not reflect what she had requested. You know at this sad time things like this can be distressing to sort out. You are happy to resolve this for her and if she wouldn't object you would like to arrange for a replacement that more closely reflects her wishes and shows how much her husband meant to his children and grandchildren.

    This has the potential to be explosive but angry as you are and justifiably so it may be possible she too is grieving . Letting her preserve some dignity may reap dividends later.

    If she turns out to be a heartless woman then a different strategy may be required.

  • Nathan Natas
    Nathan Natas

    Would a replica of the pyramid at Giza be over-the-top?

  • loosie

    Well this is what I see happening when she dies. She will be out in CA with her kids and they will choose to bury her out there, eventhough there is a plot for her next to dad. I don't think that once she moves it will matter what is done with the headstone at that time.

    Its weird she wasn't a mom to me and my dad wasn't a dad to her kids. we were all gorwn up when they got married. But when we would visit I would have my daughter call her grandma out of respect. and I was nice to her because she was my dads wife, and he would have wanted it that way.

  • loosie

    So no one is suggesting I TP her house?!?!?!


  • asilentone

    good idea.

  • Snoozy

    Is there room to add.."and Loving Father and Grandfather" anywhere on the stone??

    You may even consider a footstone instead, it is cheaper and you could put "Loving Father and Grandfather" on it.

    Just two thoughts...


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