I need some advice...regarding my jw dads funeral

by happyexjw 16 Replies latest jw experiences

  • happyexjw

    Thank you all for your words and support, it really means a lot to me at this time.

    From all your comments I think the first step I should do is to write to the Elder chosen to peform the ceremony and ask if I could have a few words at my Dads funeral, if he agrees then thats all good.

    If he disagrees with this, then as snoozy, scared for life and cagefighter says, arrange a get together with all his non believer family and friends and celebrate his life in a positive way in the way that everyone knew him. That way we can all have our say about our memories of him without upsetting the believers and have good memories of our goodbyes to him.

    I really do appreciate your advice...thank you

    big hugs to all x

  • OnTheWayOut

    I see you have pretty much worked it out. Here's what I had to say to your initial post before I read all the above:

    Many funeral services are held on a Saturday so that people have the day off to attend, so no big deal about that. I know we want to hate all things JW-related but I am sure your Dad would agree to have the funeral on a Saturday.

    Rather than stress your dad about how the elders might be lying to him about playing a song, contact the crem. personally and tell Dad what they said. But if Dad agrees with some Bozo Elder about not playing "worldly" songs, then let it go. It's his funeral.

    If he wants the JW funeral and it gets away from any control of yours at all, then say your words at a family gathering or in private at crem. or gravesite or anywhere appropriate. I highly highly highly doubt an elder will consider letting a DF'ed person speak.

  • Snoozy

    Just a last note, I noticed you said a service at the crematorium and later a talk at the KH..

    The affair at the crematorium you can control, if he wants a elder to speak at the crematorium also there is no way he can object to what you do or say after he gives his little talk. It is a different setting a the KH..

    Your Dad knows all this as he stated he wanted a JW Memorial, I wouldn't try to change anything about that (at the KH), I would say the Crematorium would be the best bet to give small talks about people's personal dealing and feelings of your dad.

    I would also check with the crematorium itself to see what is and what is not allowed..the only thing the JW's would have control of there would be the talk itself.

    And you say there will be a Coffin? We never had that, hubbys ashes were put in a urn and at the KH they only put up a picure or two of hubby in the waiting area of the KH. You could do whatever you want with a coffin at the crematorium..touch or whatever , they don't allow Jehovah Police there...lol

    All funnies aside, I am so sorry you and your family are losing your beloved Father..death is a painful thing for the loved ones left behind.

  • jamiebowers

    It's been my experience with funeral homes that the person paying for the funeral has the final say on things. If you can't get cooperation from whoever is in charge, then have a separate gathering with whoever you feel particularly close to.

  • Balsam

    I know when my son died the Elder who gave the talk made it all about preaching to those there and nothing about my son was hardly said. I wanted to rip his throat out the dirty lousy creep. My now ex-husband had asked this elder to do the funeral service it was such a terrible mistake.

    They won't want you at the KH for the memorial service. You will have some control at the crematorium though. Hope you get a chance to tell your Dad how much you loved and appreciated him before he passes. I know I got to with my Dad and he didn't want any funeral service at all and he was non-religious entirely.


  • Invetigator74

    I'am taking in all the above comments.Thanks to all. My father too has not been well lately.I've often considered what will be happen when that time comes.He and my mom have been JWs for over 40 years. My siblings and I have long been out of the borg,me disassociating myself well over 30 years ago. Most of my relatives are in the borg as well. So all in all I expect no sympathy or compassion at the services. I pray the Lord help me when that time arrives.Again, I really appreciate the comments stated here!

  • happyexjw

    Thank you for your comment Snoozy. I kind of had a feeling that being in a crem, I might be able to have a little say.

    As for the Jehovah police, i have wondered, if I did get up to say something the elders present would be on tenderhooks ready and waiting to snatch the mircophone and carry me off if I even dared recite a scrpiture, or direct the JW's to the door when I get up and speak as im disfellowshipped...crazy thoughts but nothing suprises me anymore with that organisation lol.

    Audesapere - My suggestions for you is to not take the elder's limitations personally. Good that he is trying to be responsible and keep his job while not neglecting your families need/request. My issue with the Elder coming round to talk to my dad about his funeral service is that he didnt need to tell my dad and mum how he got into trouble with work the last time he conducted my parents close freinds funeral. That was information that they really didnt need to know about and very thoughtless of him. It was putting unecessary pressure on my parents to hold the funeral at a time of his conveniece because if they dont they would also get him into trouble. What if the Crem was not available on the days he told them to hold it on. That seems to me like another way of selfish control.

    Onthewayout - I live in the UK and its not very common to hold a funeral on a Saturday, though I can understand that reasoning.

    Invetigator74 - I am pleased that my thread has been able to help you too. I am sorry that your dad is unwell too, its a horrible time seeing your loved ones deteriorate. I fully expect to be shunned at my dads funeral too.

    Balsam - I am sorry for the loss of your son and sending big hugs to you. After reading that Watchtower article from last year I can see that this is going to be mor about preaching/ dictating/ controlling than anything personal about my dad, I know it is going to be very hard sitting there listening to all their hipocracy and crap. That is the part I am dreading most, I figure bringing duct tape with me to silence my hurt and anger. Especially at the Elder doing the service was the one that disfellowshipped me.

    I was also a silent lamb growing up in the religion, when I spoke out nothing was done and the elder who did things to me was still allowed to carry on fully as an elder, I dont think they even approached him. It has taken me till the age of 34 to finally get the courage to go to a therapist to help myself heal about this. But that is another bad experience that I had from this cult.

    I too, pray to god to give me the strength to get through my dads funeral, im sure he will.

    Thank you all again for your words of support, it really means so much to me.

    Big hugs to all x

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