Anyone get divorced because of differing beliefs?

by NiceDream 20 Replies latest social relationships

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  treadnh2o

  Two years ago I would have answered this question in an exact opposite way. I wanted a divorce for the pure reason that I wanted to distance myself from the JW's as much as possible We were at the stage of having consulted divorce lawyers individually. However we tried to work things out and were actually successful, in fact I would say our family life has been better than anyone, both "worldly" or JW that we know. We have three small children which made the situation trickier. In retrospect I believe what saved our marriage was the recognition on my part that I married a woman with really only one flaw, her religion (and she is HOT by almost everyones standards :))

  I cannot discount my wife's ability to accept my stance as being the key. I know many of you are not so lucky. I let her go do her JW things, she can take the kids, and I get hours of free time which I dont need to explain or ask for. I know many of you would suggest I need to get the kids out as this was my initial reaction. I really don't have an issue with them being exposed to the morality of JW's (this is my wifes big selling point). I will just present the opportunity for them to think critically and let them decide ( I am convinced if leaving this religion is made easy, 95% of people would leave).

  The solution to the differing beliefs problem will not work itself out immediately. but ask yourself;

  Did you marry your spouse because you were both JW's and that is what you were supposed to do?

  Do you have anything else in common to support your relationship?

  Do you think your mate will eventually accept your religious views (not an easy question to answer objectively)?

  Most inportantly-Does yoour mate want to stay married? If not your only delaying the inevitable.

  Just realize, there are some of us married to active JW's that have managed to make it work.

  Tread
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  moshe

  It can only be used as a grounds for separation and that's ONLY if you are endangering her spirituality by physically trying to keep her from the Hall or her worship.

  No, that is not true. I saw a letter hidden in a desk drawer at my home that my wife got back from the service desk at Bethel. They told her she could divorce me for something they called, "absolute spiritual endangerment"- so I knew my days were limited in that marriage. A few months later they had an entire WT article about the subect- I believe that was in late 1988. I never stopped my wife from going to the meetings, however I had started attending a Baptist church and I put up a flag for July 4th that year- it was just outside of our yard on the common area of the Mobile home park we owned. She didn't like any of it. What especially galled her, was I had joined the PTO, parent/teacher-org at school and I was getting involved at school, just like normal people do. Yes, I was a very dangerous person in the eyes of the JW's.
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  not a captive

  What thoughtful posts.

  My husband made it so hard for me to be a Witness. There is a difference between a person being direct, honest about the obvious ungodly weirdness of the Witnesses and a person railing and ridiculing and making derisive remarks about yourself and everything associated with the Organization. I used to have good friends who were Witnesses. I had also been around really messed up churches and church people. My non-witness parents were also rough on me for my choice to be a Witness.

  My point is that none of these tactics helped their cause . To help a Witness see error the worst thing you can do is attack their good judgement. Remember, the WT attacks us in that same way--We become convinced by the Society that we are not competent to know right from wrong without their help. We are not even competent to read the Bible without their guidance.

  If just once anyone could have sympathetically conversed with me as though my desire to serve God was not itself delusional it would have helped. If possible that might provide a ground for mutual respect. But that is rare to find any respect from a person that does not care for your spiritual search.

  All the best. Maeve

  P.S. I'm out , and life is sweet.
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  NiceDream

  Thank you for all you posts. I like the idea of still being a "good person" without the society and perhaps winning him over that way.

  We were married young of course (typical of JW kids), and I'm not sure I married for the right reasons. But I will still try and make it work. We have horrible communication, so perhaps counselling would help. We went to a counsellor once and the man said my husband was very closed off and uncommunicative (that's what I think too)! Needless to say, my husband didn't want to go back.
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  GLTirebiter

  Yes, in part. I won't say our differing beliefs were the only cause, nor the main cause. But those differences did make it much harder to mend the little rifts that occur in any close relationship. Instead of having spiritual glue helping to mend the little splits and hold us together, we had a spiritual wedge opening tiny cracks into ever widening splits, until there was no connection holding us together. Our relationship was "irretrievably broken", as the family court so aptly words it. In truth, divorce was a legal formality: the relationship was over long before the court made it official.

  (edited to add)

  You asked, "Will it get better?" If you can still talk to and listen to each other, you have a chance. But that means both parties: a partnership means two people making the effort, not one doing all the giving and the other all the taking. If both you and your husband make that committment to each other and your marriage, yes it can get better. But if either one doesn't make the effort, the other partner can't do it alone. It takes two.

  Good luck to you, I hope it works out. Do talk to him about the things in the second paragraph, and give it your best effort.
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  Lapuce

  Yes, in my case after I had left the organization, my ex accused me of cheating on her which wasn't true and the elders belived her as she was still a dub and I wasn't, so it made it easy for her to get rid of my since I did not share the same belifes as her. It was hard as we had 2 boys that were not young, I would have stayed with her even If I did't not want to be a witness anymore, I guess she didn't
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  5thGeneration

  My wife and I are fading together and feel the same way now about the Truth®.

  Unfortunately, this brings different challenges like me being blamed by her family for not being the spiritual head anymore while she gets a free pass. Little do they know that I basically dragged her to meetings for 20 years.

  This has caused a lot of tension, problems and fights.
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  sd-7

  Has anyone been in this situation? Does it get better?

  Still IN this situation--ask me in 5-10 if it gets better. 5-10 years, I mean. My situation, though, is the opposite of yours--she's the one not working and with a child (who I've taken on as my own). Still, it's not easy. Feel free to PM me about it if you want to talk more about it. Wish you the best. Things have improved slightly since my DF'ing, but you never know...

  It really depends on whether or not he will--or can--love you as you are, not merely the JW version of you. My wife has somehow at least loved me as a person and not as a cog in the organizational machine. If he doesn't feel that, well...you need to gain independence here, consider an exit strategy if it's an abusive situation. Your call. I've chosen to stay, dig in, and fight for my marriage, personally. If the both of you are willing to do that, there's hope. If not, well, either you'll be trapped and suffer or you'll try to escape.

  Don't give up on him--you never know what a bit of kindness and UNCONDITIONAL love can accomplish.
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  mamalove

  Yes, differing beliefs in addition to a horrible marriage.
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  NiceDream

  My heart goes out to all of you enduring this tough situation, and to those who have been through it already.

  My husband recently told me he 'chooses his family,' so hopefully we'll be able to build up our relationship again and move on from here.