I have been in a world of pain this weekend.
Some of you know the ongoing battle i have had with my ex wife, an uber dub hypocrite, over seeing my kids more. 3 weeks ago i managed to secure an agreement from her that provided my 13 yr old daughter Friday night to sunday afternoons and for my 16 yr old son to have friday night to sat afternoon with the option to extend it to sunday if he so desires. this is each second weekend.
First due weekend visit she rearranged the days so that she was technically pre agreement start date. I let it go on that basis but did express my disapointment and anger at their mother deliberatly messing with the new agreement.
Second due weekend was this one. I need to get this out so if it interests you please read on...
I pick them up friday night, all good. Saturday morning i start to suss out whether my son is going to go home in the afternoon or wants to extend his stay. He is a bit evasive and i need to find out what is going on. He finally tells me that he will go home because his mum has organized a lunch for him and his sister to be at on sunday! So i go inside and ask my daughter about this... she says, she too would like to go home with him in the afternoon.
Now i am really frustrated and angry. My horrible ex wife has just gone and sabotaged the agreement again. This is in blatent disregard for what she agreed to. A phone call to my lawyer and she tells me in no uncertain terms am not to allow this. If i do, it is likely that a judge will not rule in my favour if i go to court as i keep on allowing her to do this. Her advice was that i unfortunatly had to guilt my kids into staying. It was time to fight fire with fire, i had to use the ex wifes weapon against her and i did not want to. but i did. And i felt horrid doing it.
Here is what i did:
Sat them both down and read them the agreement. I told them that i needed them to help me, to make this work. If they did not stay, then every thing i had done in the last 5 months, the last 12 years in fighting their mother for better time with them was a total waste of time. I may as well tear up the agreement and throw it in the bin. I told them that if they did not stay, and if i took their mother to court, her lawyer would simply state that despite the agreement, the kids just did not really want the extra time. I told my daughter that sadly i was insisting that she stay. I would not be taking her home early. The agreement that SHE offered did not have any 'if, but or maybe' clause. It said she stayed, that was it. No option. I told my son that i could not make him stay. But that it was very important that on this occasion he chose to stay. I told them that their mother had no right to set up an alternative activity for him to have to choose between, and what was this lunch anyway? He told me that is was 'some people from the congregation'. Pushing further i found it was an elder and his wife that they only knew at the hall. I asked what is so special about them that he would choose to go home a day early to have lunch with strangers rather than spend time with his dad?
Guess what i found out? It is the bloody C/O visit! Although they had dinner on the thursday with the C/O i figured that this was somehow linked. I told them i know how the visit works, lots of boot licking and efforts to impress the C/O. It also meant of course that by setting up this lunch that the kids would be home for the sunday meeting of the C/O.
I really laid the guilt on i am sorry to say. What about me? why are you so afraid to act on what you want? Out came that he did not want to hurt his mums feelings. So i said, so it's easier to hurt good old easy going dad than mum is it? Yep, dad rolls over all the time doesn't he? I said that mr nice easy going dad is gone. I am upset, i am hurt and i am angry. I need you guys to support what i have done, if you dont you can forget ever staying over longer again, mum wins, thats it, game over. The agreement is trash.
I said whats so bad about me? I dont get drunk or do drugs, i dont live in sin, i am married, i have a job... what is going on here is that your mum does not want you to be like me. She thinks that if she can keep you away you will turn out 'better' than dad. How come she did not try to keep your sister away? how come she offered her two nights but you only one?
Their were a lot of tears in this by all 3 of us. My son has had real dificulties dealing with this crap from his mother and i saw the damage that day. I tell you, it tore me up to see my son going into obsesive compulsion disorder mode in front of my eyes. The bitch ex wife set him up for this, as she has done for years. The method? Set him up with guilt to choose her over me, and then when i make efforts to increase the time with him, he gets stressed and bang! Its my fault! I hate her for what she has done to our son.
Well, at the last minute he decided to stay. Now began another drama. could he just tell her? No. He is like me, hates confrontation so it took half an hour for the text messages to and fro to do it. It was agonizing for him but it highlighted a very important lesson for him to learn... how to handle saying no to loved ones. If he does not learn this, he will follow my mistakes for i did everything not wanting to upset people.
I am sorry if this seems disjointed, i just typed as i thought. I just needed to unload to people out there who may be interested and see how so called good jehovahs witnesses are prepared to damage children in their misguided quest to save them from the 'devil' other parent.
we finally had a nice weekend. The first ever where they actually got to stay a full one.
But i know the battle is not over.
oz
ps. i will be away for a few days but when i get home at the end of the week i will make any replies needed. Thankyou for taking the time to read this.