Where to appropriately focus and direct our anger (and more importantly - how)

by Mad Sweeney 21 Replies latest jw friends

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  mindmelda

  I went through a long, OMG what have I done? period second guessing deciding to fade away from JWs. Now I'm to the point where if I were DF'd I'd probably just laugh.

  Seriously, the only power they have is using your family and relatives against you and hey, what can you do if they are stuck up the arse of the WTS. Nothing but continue to be sane and considerate and yet firmly convinced that their religion is a big old truckload of utter crap!

  It does take some time to get there and I'm sometimes terribly sorry that my parents are still deluded tools, but I can't live their lives for them and besides, it's actually a relief to be free of my mother in particular who is so ridiculously self righteous and controlling that I'm surprised the GB haven't asked her to give them lessons.

  I did have several years of professional counseling that helped a lot. I can't recommend enough that you get yourself to a community mental health center where this kind of help is affordable if you can't afford it or have no health insurance or even if you do, and get your head screwed on straight if you're still anxious, depressed and guilty about being an ex Witness. Learn about why your buttons got pushed, who installed them and then start pushing your own buttons.

  All that actually gave me a new path at age 50. I was told by my own therapist that I have a gift of listening and understanding, and of naturally getting people to open up to me, and that I'd make a good counselor myself, so I'm going back to finish my degree in it and maybe nursing too. I have a CNA cert already, and some other half finished stuff from evening classes off and on over the years. I've been doing elder care, most of my clients have dementia or Alzheimers...I'm one of those people who doesn't argue with the delusional, poor darlings, so I do fine with that, hardly ever bothers me.

  Now you know why JWs dont bother me that much..I'm used to the severely deluded! LOL

  My therapist said that after we were talking about my son one day and I got him to tell me about a problem he was having with one of his children and after a few minutes he said,..."Wait, how did you do that, we're supposed to be talking about your kid!" and he laughed rather sheepishly and apologized.

  People find me extremely approachable, and comfortable to talk to, so hey...why not use that for something besides peddling Littertrash for the WTS?
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  millions now living are dead

  I believe the Borg exists because the people want it to. It's a surrogate parent to them. They are not ready for freedom. To try to convince them that their Parent is a fraud will do nothing but trigger survival and boundary issues in them. The best and only effective thing to do, in my opinion, is to create a forum or a "place to go" for them when they have their own internal realization and are looking for support, backup and info to validate what they are feeling. (much like this site does) The doors of the mind only open from the inside.

  Or how about this....go live your life. Channel the anger into assertion. Assertion for what YOU truly want. Figure out what your true desires are and go fulfill them. Success is the best revenge. Somehow you have to get over the tremendous loss of family and friends. You can't make them love you so go find love somewhere else. Easier said than done, I know. It's difficult because the wound takes time to heal and you may appear weak to them. Keep going and build your strength. You must completely severe the psychic relationship with them, which doesn't mean you will never have a realionship with them, like your parents. It will just not be like it was.

  Mil
• 

  ufo1

  For the most part I agree that the WBTS are the oens that desirve our anger, however I do believe that on the personal level many JW's are just plain rude and often hateful. Anyone can believe what ever way they want but when they, in their own heart and mind, think they are better than others and then act rude, hateful, and condesinding towards others/us then they desirve our anger as well.
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  moshe

  Yes, JW's are an arrogant bunch - imagine them thinking that 99.9% of the world is going to be vaporized leaving only them to enjoy the nice homes that someone else worked for. It's not like the haven't been told. Also, everyone needs to avoid verbally attacking a JWN poster- if you are upset be indirect- say posts like this really make me mad, and here is why!, not, you are an @sshhole-- or use the third person. Does the WT ever attack a person by name in the churches? A polititian by name? No, it's all written generalizations and they do get their point across.
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  Mad Sweeney

  Channel the anger into assertion. Assertion for what YOU truly want. Figure out what your true desires are and go fulfill them. Success is the best revenge. Somehow you have to get over the tremendous loss of family and friends. You can't make them love you so go find love somewhere else. Easier said than done, I know. It's difficult because the wound takes time to heal and you may appear weak to them. Keep going and build your strength. You must completely severe the psychic relationship with them, which doesn't mean you will never have a realionship with them, like your parents. It will just not be like it was.

  This is as you say, easier said than done. I feel as a relatively new fader that now I'm free of the cult I have responsibility to "save" my family from it, as well. I'm realizing it isn't possible to do, at least not quickly or in the short term, and that feeling of helplessness is incredibly painful. It also induces feelings that maybe I should have stayed "in" for their sake and worked on them from the inside. That was my original plan but I fail at subterfuge and hypocrisy. I had to get out.

  But still, I feel the need to DO something. The best revenge is living well, but that isn't enough right now. Maybe I actually should get counseling.
• 

  cult classic

  Ok now more to the point about focusing and directing my anger (your original question i think...lol) I've had to realize that I've been directing the anger at myself. Why didn't I see this earlier? How could I have been so stupid? Why did I take it sooo seriously? Like Scarred, I am very angry at my parents and other relatives.

  I'm stuck in phases 2 and 4 of the whole trauma experience. The weird thing is that when we first left a few years ago I was so relieved and happy. I just enjoyed my freedom. But the past year or so has been really hard. Almost like a delayed reaction. I just started seeing a therapist. The amount of tears in my first session when I talked about the religion kind of shocked me. I hope I find peace soon.

  Cult Classic
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  not a captive

  I have the same problem, Mad. I had to leave too. But of course no one can talk to me now. I have a sense of utter bewilderment at what to do since some of the women friends I left behind are afraid to talk to me. Afraid that they will feel more conflicted than they are all ready. When I think of them dying without ever getting out of slavery I feel terrible. Their husbands are not Witnesses and their family life has been strained and rather horrible. Some kids DF'd and others alienated. Depression and desperation.

  I hope you get a good counselor. Sometimes they help. One good thing , even if they are pretty bad--you get to hear yourself talk out loud. That helped me. They listen and say something. It takes a long time to pull the things out that we get so good at covering up.

  May God keep you well, Maeve
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  millions now living are dead

  Mad Sweeney,

  Here's my theory on how to "save the family". I was devastated by having to leave the family. I really do love them. I realized that there are other layers of love and higher love. The highest says, "I love you just as you are, even if it means you never talk to me or see me again." Again, easier said than done. This forces you into your own individuation process which can be hell. But in a strange way it does "save the family" Here's how I think it will.

  The family has a layer that let's call the "psuedo-family". It's the false layer where everyone plays their roles and basically hides their real self. They compensate and adjust for other members weaknesses. Let's say Dad is drinking and molesting Jimmy, the middle brother. The whole family pretends it's not happening so everyone changes their behavior. Say Dad is the sole provider for the family. If Jimmy tells, then the security of the whole family is shot. All the kids feel it and so they all collude for Jimmy not to ever tell. Jimmy is now 25 and in therapy. Even then, the family may be in denial and angry that Jimmy is trying to get help because it confronts everyone with the knowledge that Dad was a creep and they did nothing to help Jimmy.

  This is an obvious example. However, I think that this "psuedo-family" is always trying to stay in stasis and balanced and not be disturbed. I believe when one member frees him or herself psychically from dysfunction, then it forces other family members to confront their shit. Things start happening even if you never speak to them or see them. I have noticed this in my family. You will be disturbing the equilibrium by finding your own power and fully individuating. This will throw the "psuedo-family" into a bit of chaos. It gets bad before it gets better. Some members begin to wake up. You have to look long term.

  Greek mythology (and just about all mythology) is full of this stuff, it's not just childrens stories or superstition. It was meant to help family and communities. What they called family curses is what we are dealing with here. I don't think that the JW's are the main problem. The Jehovah's Witnesses are one big exercise in AVOIDANCE. Nobody wants to look at their own shit so let's tell each other how bad the world is and how we are going to save it.

  Going to therapy is good. It's a sign of strength not weakness. Start peeling the onion.

  Just my opinion.

  Mil
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  not a captive

  I enjoyed your comments, Mil. Good sense. Really .
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  aSphereisnotaCircle

  Excellant post Millions,

  Well said.