Non-JWs in relationships with JWs - tough questions

by JWoods 16 Replies latest jw friends

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  JWoods

  You also discussed a line in the sand. I guess mine would be that IF he does fully go back, he should not expect me to change my life and way of doing things to adapt to his. I WILL not. There will be holidays, birthdays, politics, Harry Potter, extracurricular activities and worldly friends, even if he chooses not to participate. There will not be headship and full family attendance at conventions, assemblies and meetings. And no, I'm not sure our relationship could survive it, which is heartwrenching and very scary, but he is the one that wants the drastic change. And again, it doesn't make me mad at him, just incredibly sad and angry at an organization that would willingly and knowingly take advantage of kind, trusting and innocent people.

  That's exactly the reason I made this thread. So many situations just like this popping up here for the last few weeks. So many good people trapped into an enigma relationship with a JW person who has morphed into something they cannot understand.

  And, like I put in the title - these are tough questions.

  I sure hope you make this reasonable stand clear to him once and for all, before you get married, and for sure before he fully goes back.
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  nugget

  Every relationship is different. However any non JW contemplating a long term relationship with a JW needs to think long and hard about the implications before getting in too deep.

  My mum converted to the religion in 1969. She had been married to my dad for 6 years by then and so there was a degree of history prior to the organisation starting to influence her life. My parents are still married now more through dogged determination and a desire not to let the other off lightly. It is not easy and I am sometimes awestruck by the amount of compromises my dad has had to make in his life to fit in around my mum and her religion.

  It is like marrying someone from a different culture and trying everyday to respect that diverse background. It is hard work. Sometimes it is worth the struggle.
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  Mrs. Witness

  I've bounced both of those questions around in my head many times. I did tell my JW to get out, but he wouldn't leave because "Jehovah hates a divorcing". I wanted to vomit. That was three years ago (give or take) and we have gotten to the point where we're really no more than roommates.

  Here's the rub...my daughters are exposed to very little of the JW programming because daddy only talks about it when I'm not around and he knows better than to insist that they go to the KH (that's what prompted me to tell him to get out). If I divorced him, he'd have partial custody of my younger daughter (4 years old) and he'd be dragging her to the KH and out in service. So, I choose to not pursue a divorce for that simple reason. I would rather suffer a crap marriage for awhile longer than to sacrifice her to the loonies at the KH.

  My JW is a lost cause and I'm living my life to the best of my ability and giving my daughters the best I can until the younger one is old enough to understand me when I say "take a comparative religion course" and old enough to read "The God Delusion". Once she's been trained to think for herself, understand that religion is tricky at best and down right horrid at worst, then I will bid my JW adieu. Until then, I am protecting her from the cult by staying with him.
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  sd-7

  IS IT REALLY WORTH IT TO LIVE A LIFETIME IN THIS KIND OF MENTALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

  IS IT REALLY WORTH IT TO STAY THERE EVEN FOR THE PURPOSE OF KIDS?

  That depends on how much of a point life has for you. A happy human has the same atomic structure as a sad human, or a dead one. More or less. Maybe some people deserve to be abused, for just being evil people.

  But the children don't deserve to suffer for that. Hmm. Guess these are tough questions. My king is mated. Good game!
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  JWoods

  Mrs. Witness, I understand.

  I just hope everybody who is contemplating a matchup with a JW, or even a maybe-JW, comes to this site and reads all the horror threads about what such a situation can be like.
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  dgp

  Greenie, you're best at summarizing what we feel. No one could say it better.

  JWoods, sure I hope some other worldly will come to the site and read about this. Our miseries might make sense that way.
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  undercover

  IS IT REALLY WORTH IT TO LIVE A LIFETIME IN THIS KIND OF MENTALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

  Every relationship is unique. In some cases the difference between the hardcore dub partner vs the newly freed anti-dub partner may be the last straw in a trouble marriage. In other cases, the couple may have had a good, solid relationship where the only real major issue to come up was one who wished to distance themselves from the religion. And then there are multiple scenerios in between.

  Without getting too personal, my marriage has been pretty good. Our biggest differences are my turning my back on the organization. She thinks I'm influenced by apostate reasoning or just don't want to have to answer to anyone. When the 800lb WT gorilla sits quietly in the corner, all else is well, for the most part. I dare say that at times it's harder on her than on me, as I know the real truth, I'm comfortable with where I'm at...she's still tied to the JWism, and feels guilt for not doing more and not having a spiritual head. We're also not part of the social aspect of the congregation anymore. This hurts her to some degree. I hope the physical rejection/seperation will lend itself to helping her awake to the lies of the religion and corporation someday.

  I've read other experiences where people are already in a bad relationship and then it got worse when one or the other wanted to leave the JWs. I often wonder why they don't just go their separate ways and find happiness. They're obviously not gonna find any staying together. But we each have to carry our own load....oh geeez...I just paraphrased a scripture... I have to go wash my mouth out with soap now...