How do you handle JW encounters?

Girlie

So this past Saturday, I stopped over at my parents' home to take care of some business. As my brother dropped me off in front of the house, lo and behold, the Witnesses from my previous congregation were parked right in front of my parents' home. Damn....

They were in a car group working a frequent RV who lives next door to my folks. Two of them (a sister and a blind elder) were already out of the car gathering their materials when they saw me. Of course there was no way to avoid talking to them and it would have been very rude if I kept moving pass them without so much as a hello. So I nicely and cheerfully greeted them.

The sister hugged me and mentioned my name out loud to the brother and he joined in the greeting. The sister inquired of my mother's wellbeing and wanted to see her. I told her that my mother is doing fine and was complaining a bit about a headache, but may still be up for some company, etc. All was well until the elder asked the question, "So how is (blank) congregation doing?" The suppose move to this new congregation was my guise in my successful fade so far.

While I wasn't ready to be truthful about my disinterest, I also didn't feel comfortable in lying. I just told him that I wasn't really going to any of the meetings at the moment as I have a lot going on. Both expressed a slight dismay at this confession and the brother admonished me to try to make my meetings. I verbalized "I know", but I internalized "Hell no." From that point, we went our separate ways.

I guess it wasn't too big of a deal as he didn't beat me with the bible as I thought he would have nor did they do any real deep inquiry as to why I wasn't making my meetings. So cool. But it did get me to thinking that this isn't going to be the only time that I will have a close encounter with the JW's and that same "inquiring minds wanna know" act of theirs will come up again. So for the newly faded and not so newly faded, when you encounter these akward moments with JW, how do you handle them? As I stated, I am not ready to reveal the truth of my lack of interest in this cult quite yet and would like to stall them as much as possible.

FreudianSlip

Fortunately because I moved out of state after I left the religion, I no longer have chance encounters with them. Since the move they regularly leave tracks on the door, but I haven't had the chance to ever speak with one.

Back home I would run across Witnesses and most would be cordial, they ask about my folks. I don't recall ever being completely, obviously shunned or anything.

snowbird

Gracefully.

I was well-loved by many, so I try to be as pleasant as possible.

Sylvia

dandingus

Very good question Girlie! It's extremelly awkward having to interact with them once you've left, especially individuals from your former Hall.

Typically I just ignore them when I see them. Not to be mean, but just to avoid having to go through the awkward conversation. There are a few individuals that I will never speak to again, but for the most part if the average Pub. actually recognized me and said "hi" I would respond politely enough.

Fortunately for me my appearance has changed a great deal from what people remember me as. My hair is long and I have a beard now. I even walked into a bar a few weeks ago and an entire family from my old Hall was sitting there. (Yes, they were all in a bar which is another matter entirely and I'm sure they kept that kind of behavior hush-hush.) I looked the mother and the daughter (who is my age) right in the eye and they didn't even blink. I just walked by and ordered my beer.

So I guess I have it easy. But I've had my share of awkward moments among them. Usually I just politely tell them I'm no longer going to meetings, and with their built in fear of anyone who's left, it's usually enough to end the conversation quickly without getting into a lot of ugly details.

I hope it gets easier for you. I've seen that the longer you are out, the easier it gets because the word gets out and eventually they'll just forget about you or stop talking to you when they see you.

undercover

All was well until the elder asked the question, "So how is (blank) congregation doing?" The suppose move to this new congregation was my guise in my successful fade so far.

I don't have this issue as I have made it clear through my dress and grooming that I am not active. I've been out long enough now that most who knew me know I'm inactive, but it was interesting to see the looks on faces of some who hadn't seen me in a while. They knew better than to ask about the congregation...they knew that I obviously didn't know. I like the physical changes that make it obvious your status and keeps those questions from arising.

Both expressed a slight dismay at this confession and the brother admonished me to try to make my meetings.

I have gotten that admonition as well...from JW family and the occasional run-in with elders I knew. Depending on the person, I either respond with stony silence or my stand-by line, "I'm in a good place right now, but thanks for asking/caring..." that usually stuns a normal dub... they're conditioned to expect all inactive JWs to be 'weak' or 'depressed' so they don't know how to react to someone who expresses satisfaction at being inactive (as if reminding someone of their 'weak' or 'depressed' state is really giong to be the incentive to get them to come back)

The Oracle

Hey girlie,

For your long term self respect and mental well being you may want to try something a little more forceful without giving the reasons for your lack of attendance. Of course if you want to fade and avoid the apostate label and subsequent DFing action, you can't be completely open and frank with them, however I have found that you can get the point across that the reason you are going is not because of any shortcoming with yourself but in fact it is with the organization. The trick is - make that point without actually saying it.

For example you may say something like this...

"oh no I haven't been going to any meetings. Your faith is probably very important to you, and I don't want to weaken your faith by going in to the reasons why I decided to stop attending so it's probably best that I leave it at that. I don't want to be the one to tell you anything that is going to cause you to come to the same conclusions I did. It's something that is best discovered on your own. Suffice to say - you know me well enough to know that I wouldn't just stop going without a very good reason. Now how have you been doing? How is your family? Is everyone in good health?"

Of course with a statement like this you are being firm and confident in your decision not to attend. You make it very clear that you are not ashamed of your decision, and it is evident by your tone of voice, and facial expression that you feel it is the right thing to do. At the same time you are taking the feet out from under the argument that you are an apostate worthy of DFing, by making the clear statement that you "don't want to weaken their faith" (this is the one part of the approach that is probably not 100% true, but is necessary if you want to pull off the fade and avoid Dfing).

Now, if they continue to press for reasons why you stopped attending - despite your warning and plea that you don't want to weaken their faith - this could be a signal that they too are doubting and are sincerely wondering what caused you to leave. However, you need to be very cautious at this point. Sometimes this can be a setup to get you to reveal your true "apostate" feelings. You should make sure you repeat that phrase a couple more times before finally giving in and revealing one thing that caused you "concern". You basically need to wait for them to beg you, and almost get them to say - I don't care about my faith ! They also need to be alone. You can't give in if two of them are present.

Just a few tips that I have found helpful and have followed through on in real life with 100% success to date. Of course I could get DF'ed tomorrow, but hey - that's always a possibility. As time goes on it becomes less and less of a concern... depending on how much close family you still have trapped inside.

Cults are fun, aren't they?!

The Oracle

Coffee House Girl

I am also pretty new to the "jdub sightings"- I have been fading for over six months now and I live in a small enough community that encounters do happen more than I would like. I look them straight in the eye, smile, and say Hi- and then I move on without hesitation. I usually get a stunned "Hi" back, and the look on their faces is like they have just been goosed. One sister's face turned such a pale white, I remember what that was like when the shoe was on the other foot so I try not to get too upset. I do have one friend still in the borg who texts me, I just tell him how I am doing really great & he responds the same and we text in circles for an hour without revealing anything :)

Find yourself a "broken record" answer and stick to it! say, I am doing great- thanks for asking! if there are any probing questions just say "I dont want to talk about that now" and stick to your guns, you don't have to reveal anything you don't want to- it is your private life :)

Peace be with you :)

Mickey mouse

I like that approach Oracle.

Girlie

Same here. Thank you all for your comments. I greatly appreciate it.

teel

Good advices here. One of my resolve during my ongoing fade is to never give in to their rules of shunning, so I will always say "hi" to them, and if they're up for some chat, I'll chat. I haven't been questioned yet about my lack of presence (except by a nosy elder, but that's different), so these tips are welcome.

It's quite funny to see some JWs reaction who know I'm not attending. The other day as I was walking home from work, one JW from my cong was out working on his car. He saw me coming, and he was simply lost, turned left, turned right, you could see his dilemma, he didn't know what to do and there was noone around to direct his actions. It was simply priceless . In the end he responded to my "hi".

How do you handle JW encounters?

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