As I sit here today wondering where my life shall end up, I'm letting some of my transgressions be made known. I never been the most outspoken person, more often than not I have been timid and shy. I have always felt uncomfortable when in large settings of people, especially large congregation gatherings and conventions. It always felt as if I was nobody with nothing really to offer but another body that supported this religion. I have never been confident in my abilities and apperance, though at times my confidence would be high, more often than not it would be down. I never been a strong believer in the so called "Truth", just something about it's legitamacy was always in the back of my mind. I always tried to maintain fine conduct as a Jehovah's Witness, always trying to avoid so called "bad association" and loose conduct. But for the latter as a imperfect person, I have fallen short in this regard unfortunately. On a couple of incidents, one of which that involved the opposite sex. This sister in my congregation at the time was 17 and I had just moved into the congregation. I don't know when she started to like me but after some friends from the congo and me went out for bowling, she was playing around with my cell phone which I left on the table near her. She got my number off of it and started to call me frequently there after. I was a naive 20yr old at the time and never really had gotten this much attention from girls, well maybe from this wierd goth girl in my last year of high school. Well anyways to make a long story short, this sister who's family took a liking to me, started to invite me over their house and to dinner a few times. All the while this young sister constantly called me and told me explicit details of a sexual nature regarding her past before she was baptised. This was shocking to me at the time and I openly confidided this and other talk with these two brothers that I was working for. After telling thim about some sexual and suggestive talk made to me from the sister, one of the brothers threatened to tell the elders and the sister's brother who was a M.S in my hall. I was scared silly and promised that I would stop talking to the girl, but this girl would not leave me alone. Well anyway after being invited over her house to watch movies with one of her brothers. I got caught up and felt on her legs and butt, after leaving that night I felt so bad that I called her the next day and apologized fervently for my actions. She wasn't worried about it and had never objected to my actions. I shortly there after stopped talking with her by being so guilty of this incident. I never told anyone of this, especially the brothers for fear of reparcussions. I was so pathetic and stupid and didn't know how the JW judicial system worked. I used to think that if a person confessed of a serious sin, they were immediately disfellowshipped. I never really paid attention to this since hey as long as I never did anything wrong, I would not need to meet with the elders. Well the situation with the sister has been almost six years ago, I still talk to her every once in awhile but really not that much at all since I moved away. Well now that I am living with my mom and sister who are Jdubbs and now that I have become part of the "conscious class", I don't care that much if I fall into loose conduct. In regards to the opposite sex, I am still scared and really don't know how to react to attention from them. Everytime I really like someone, I never have the guts to show that I'm interested in them. Not to say that I never had success in talking to girls but unfortunately, there was always the "worldly" girl aspect that stop me short, being the fact I'm more attracted to them instead of the ordinary looking women of the Organization. Anyways, Well my second big act of loose conduct happened this past Super Bowl sunday at my new friend and co-worker's house where I got drunk and wasted. Since I no longer consider myself a witness but am still in, I didn't care about this and planned with him weeks in advance on gettin drunk of shots of liquor. He introduced me to his girlfriend's sister and we had been talkin for a few weeks. She was at this party but nothing ever happen with us. Sorry WTS, but I did not fornicate or steal a cup of sugar from my neighbor after gettin drunk. Now that I'm on my way out of this cult, I am wishing to do immoral things but can't seem to get in the situation to do them. I'm constantly geeting harassed by my mom every day about not leaving the "truth" and to talk to the brothers, I have written a letter to disassociate myself but I'm hesistant to give it to the elders. Part of which I really don't feel like sitting in front of them to express my disbelief in the organization and some of it's doctrine. I want to get away from all of this so bad! I'm tired of being harrased and my sexuality, sanity, and emotions being questioned just because I don't believe this is the TRUTH! I'm still a Christian and am eager to learn and find my way. I just need some people to talk to. Next up my story, The Trials and Tribulations of Whathehadas( What I have is what you got and what I got is what I give to you)
The Confession of Whathehadas
by whathehadas 10 Replies latest jw experiences
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sd-7
Wow. Real stuff. We spoke a couple of times by e-mail, you remember me, right? I totally get you. You definitely don't need to worry about feeling guilty. I mean, sad as it is, I've done 'worse' things than you, I suppose. Never thought I'd be saying that to anyone... Anyway, it's your choice to deal with the elders or not. They are not gods, they are just ignorant policemen at best, the Society's hired thugs at worst. If you're on your own, just ignore them! Get out of there, don't bother goin' back! If not, get out on your own, by yourself, first. Do not form any attachments with anyone inside the organization whatsoever. I'm sure you haven't, but...once you get too attached to the wrong person inside...it's all over.
The best thing you can do is continue to convince yourself of reality. Reading some of the old, old publications (try archive.org for those) will help you appreciate just how insane this religion is. Read about cults and spiritual abuse. Absorb, absorb, absorb. You'll reach a point--and I think you already have--where you're just done with it and want out. The farther away from the Borg you are, the less they can assimilate you.
You said you still want to be a Christian. My advice to you is to read the Bible itself. Try any one of Paul's letters. If you read them as they are, you'll see reality. The early Christians were not saying 'Jehovah' in every other phrase. They weren't turning in field service time, they weren't passing bread and wine without eating it, they were just putting faith in Jesus Christ, bottom line. Read Proverbs 4:18 in its context. Read Luke 12:32 in its context, John 10:16 in its context (and connect that one with Ephesians 2 & 3). Read each word for yourself and see how the Bible's message will unfold. I guarantee it'll make a lot more sense in time.
I hope you'll be okay. You've still got my e-mail address, I hope, so use it if you want to talk. Good luck. Yes...I can say that now. May the probabilities be in your favor.
--Christopher
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xbro
2 things nay 3 things to do:
get that letter in,you know it makes sense!
post some more details of your 'sin' (not that i condone it or will enjoy reading it!)
send me her number!!!!! lol
as for the fornication,ittl happen sooner or later,no rush and theres nowt wrong with waitin for the right one!
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whathehadas
Thanks Sd-7, we will be talking Xbro, I am going to turn in that letter now. Short and brief straight to the point with no details. With the girl 6yrs ago, touching on her butt and some suggestive talk was ALL that was ever done. I did start to talk to a "wordly" girl I met at a video store briefly, I now wish It would have gone futher with her. I really liked her but was too scared I would be caught
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OnTheWayOut
You need to stop applying someone else's standards to what you do. Getting drunk, high, having sex with someone you hardly know- I won't say those things are signs of taking responsibility, but they are generally a normal part of growing up. Don't feel so guilty and stop saying that you did or did not "fornicate." That's such a fundamentalist view. It's great to wait for the right person. You shouldn't be stoned to death if you don't. DA if you want to, or just walk away. DA and walk away if you want.
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choosing life
Is there a way to get out on your own? If you can get financially independent, you can then go about your life as you choose. No need to force things or "fornicate" to get out or prove something. You can turn in your letter or just fade away from it all.
Just let life happen. You deserve happiness and fulfillment in life as much as the next guy. Be true to yourself.
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Black Sheep
Don't turn in the letter yet. Think about it for a few weeks first.
Firstly, you are throwing shit into a fan. You know what will happen. Don't act surprised when it does.
Secondly, they have no authority except what you give them. They are just a bunch of foolish old men. Why let them, or their victims, feel that they are important by giving them a DA letter.
Thirdly, if you want to take anyone out with you, it is damned near impossible if they won't even talk to you. You can nudge them towards the door from the inside, but you can't drag them out from the outside.
If you are talking to a JW, don't throw the whole garbage can at them. Don't 'tell' them anything at all. They are trained not to listen. They are trained to teach though, so only ever ask questions.
If they ask you something, don't answer, ask a question.
The primary doctrine is that Jesus selected them to be God's sole channel of communication in 1919. Only ever ask questions related to that and never let them divert you away from your question. Ever.
Never discuss scripture with them, they believe the WT not the Bible, so it is a waste of time and very frustrating.
Cheers
Chris
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VoidEater
From what little bit I know from your post, I have to ask why you even care what they think - why you feel you even have to send in a letter? DAing yourself can be a powerful ritual, but isn't going to change your mom's attitude (it will just get worse).
Indeed, if you don't want to talk to an organization or a girl or anyone else, you don't have to respond to them. Really.
If you're still at home, then yeah, you kinda have to engage with mom or whoever else is physically there. But as an adult, maybe it's time to get out on your own so you can live your own life. That may be the only way to not be harrased by the constant "you've fallen away" stuff. Which can only get worse if you DA - so be prepared.
Then maybe you can decide what you really want, rather than being in reaction to what everyone seems to be telling you you should want.
On the other hand, you might have a Serious Talk with mom that you are an adult, and are still the same person you've always been, and as you grow up you may make mistakes - and all of that still takes place between a mother and son who love each other.
My advice: don't force anything. Let it fall into place naturally. Don't be run by fear, but don't feel you have to do "bad" things just because you can (or just because you can't).
At least you have this going for you: you've seen the WTS isn't The Truth.
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whathehadas
I don't have the finances unfortunately right now to move. If i did, I would have been left when I first read CoC early last year. I haven't went out in service for over 3 months and intend on not going to any more meetings. I can't stand them now and never really like gettin ready for them. OTWO I know those experiences are the norm in life but I have never experience them. This last few years have been very frustrating to me. I can't stop thinking of Sex and relationships, I would be satisfied if I could just cuddle with some girl. I don't know if its a combination of gettin older(I will be 27 this year) or just being around and seeing people relate to it. Even when I still "believed", when with the brothers, dating and marriage would always come up. I just was never interested at the time. Now I am so hot and horny, If God wants to destroy me......let me have that one of experience of loving!
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whathehadas
But I regress, Sex is not the whole issue with me but also being bound to schedules and people of the "truth". I'm tired of being told when, what, where, and how to live. Stop buggin WTS and let people make their own conscious dicisions. Tired of all the pressure to pursue "spiritual goals", if I hear that one more time I will shoot myself. I don't want to be a Elder or M.S and never felt up for it. Tired of all the concern and love bombing. I want a rest from these nuts!