how do you stop crying....
It has been two weeks since you started reading this board. It's a lot to take in, isn't it? Overwhelming sometimes, but hard to break away once you start feeling validation to your own REAL thoughts through the hearts and minds of other people.
It was difficult for me to post on any XJW board for a long time because of my uncertainty whether what I learned from the organization was true or not. How to acknowlege the "stuff" that was hard to accept regarding the history, predictions, and changed policies that affected so many lives ... I didn't simply read and believe everything. It took time to sort through facts and emotional overtones that often accompanied posts, Web sites, and e-mail messages. It took time to look at things objectively from others. It was something that I had to do in my own time table, not because the other posters on the boards already believed things to be a certain way. Educating yourself, like so many urge, is a big key to all of this. And so is time.
Being a JW was all I knew from the time I was conscious of life until I hit my mid-20s. Tuesday and Thursday nights, and Sunday mornings were always filled with meetings. Holidays and B-days were non-existent. Non-JWs were "worldly" and would die at Armageddon. And I hoped that I "probably" would be saved if I did everything the organization told me to. I married young and didn't know how to live as an adult in this "system." The end was supposed to happen a long time ago. But it didn't. Something inside me changed when I started venturing outside the "box" that the organization puts us all into. I think you have found your way out of the box too, and now you need to learn how adjust to life outside of it. You will, we all have.
Don't expect so much from yourself so soon. Many people around here have been engaged in their own process of *not* being a JW for many years and are far removed from the initial feelings you are experiencing. You will reach a similiar place in your own time, and it will not always be easy. Many here have very different belief systems than they used to. You are not obligated to adopt any of them or quickly change your own beliefs if you are comfortable with them.
Just be you.
We *learned* so much being JWs by just reading paragraphs, parroting the answer to the footnote questions from the paragraphs and reading a few 'supporting' scriptures. It has all been nicely packaged and marketed to us. Promises of wonderful things, answers to age-old questions and dilemmas. And a hope that would appeal to most everyone.
It's not easy questioning all of that, or turning your back on it. It's scary. It's going against everything you've ever known. And the qualities that have been instilled in your heart, mind, and behavior can't just be turned off like that. It will take time, and we all get impatient at times. This is one of those times where you need to go with the flow, and listen to your heart too. If it gets to be too much, take a break. Limit your time on this board or time you spend reading and researching if you need to. It will all be here waiting for you when you are ready for it again. You have so much time ahead of you to absorb all of this.
I really wish you well, Flower. Six years ago I didn't quite understand that in *time* things would be okay for me. Now I do. You will too. It's a process that you take one day at a time.