how do you stop crying......

flower

when you start reading Rays book and find out that everything you know to be factual, the only constant, solid, truth in the universe is just nothing?

i've known this in my head since i started reading posts here on xmas day but i have never REALLY believed it. i thought i just WANTED to believe it so that i could rid myself of some of this guilt i've always carried around. i always had it in the back of my mind that you all for some unknown, wierd and wicked reason have organized this apostate activity just like Society always told us you did. i never understood back in the day when they said apostates were out there trying to get people to leave the organization. why would anyone spend so much time trying to hurt the org after they left? obviously the people doing that were deranged or mentally ill.

thats what has always been in the back of my head. that many people here and on similar sites were mentally ill, crazy, sick and really under the devils influence. and the rest were being duped like myself. i've made posts to the contrary of these thoughts but this was and has always still been in my head. certain posts would trigger them also like some of the wierd ones that i didnt understand would make me think 'yea this isnt for real its just a scam to draw people out of the org'.

so now how am i supposed to really handle this? i dont think i can. i cant stop crying for one and i cant let them see me cry. i just cant freaking believe that these people lied to us and screwed us. how the hell am i supposed to sit here every day and listen to their damn reading from the yearbook. and watch them go to meetings with an attitude of arrogance, looking down on me because i am not a witness. i hate it, i hate it!! i fucking hate them! i wish i could slash those bastards up. (the asshole org..not the fam)

think41self

Flower,

My heart goes out to you reading your post. I will be honest and admit I haven't read any of your previous posts...there is just so much on the board that I don't have time to follow it all...so forgive me if you have told more of your story and I am not aware of it.

All I can tell you is that most of us here felt like you at one time, angry, betrayed and confused...and yes, a little lost. How do you go about reinventing yourself when you find out everything you ever believed in was a lie?

You do it one day at a time, and by evaluating what in your life was truly you and what was just some external teaching that you thought defined who you were. You are still the same person, with the same values and virtues that you were before. Look at it this way, you are now embarking on the greatest adventure of your life...discovering who you really are. We have all had to take that same journey. I for one am enjoying it now. Time will pass, and the anger and fear will depart...and then the incredible enjoyment of your freedom will take over your thoughts...and your spirit will soar!

In the interim, we will be here to offer you support and comfort, and for the most part, non-judgemental acceptance. Don't fear the journey sweetie even the pain will be a fading memory eventually, and you will look back with a big sigh of relief and say "It was ALL worth it"

think41self

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

dedalus

I was pretty pissed when I educated myself about the religion I'd been raised in, but never felt like slashing someone up. There will come a point where you will have to take responsibility for your own involvement with the religion, even if you were raised in it. Meanwhile, yes, it's hurtful. But homicidal resentment belongs to Witness doctrine.

Dedalus

borgfree

Flower,

Speaking only for myself (but I know others have done the same) I decided that I would use my anger/hurt etc. against the WT, not in violence or anything like that.

I bought a new answering machine and put messages on it to warn people about the WT teachings (you can get some prerecorded ones from Randy Watters) I put ads in the paper, I (along with a partner) put a booth at our county fair with literature (free)exposing the WT. I demonstrated at NY Headquarters and at WT conventions, etc., etc. Those sorts of things helped me a lot and also helped other people.

Borgfree

"Without knowledge there can be no genuine faith--only superstition on the one hand or speculation on the other" Robert Banks

WildHorses

Flower, just hang on. It will get better. I went through the same thing back in 98.

My main concern for you is the fact that you still live with your parents. Is there a way you could save some money to get a place of your own? This would make it a lot easier. At least you wouldn't have to fear that they can see what you are thinking.

You are one of the reasons I come to these forums. I have all the jw stuff out of my system already, but I know how it hurts and hope I can somehow console you and others hurting.

I never had to deal with JW parents as I was the only jw in my family. It still hurts though, knowing I was lied to.

If you need a friend with a listening ear, my e-mail is open to you.

Lilacs

I don't want someone in my life I can live with. I want someone in my life I can't live without.

seven006

Flower,

You take it one day at a time. It does get better. You are on an emotional roller coaster right now. Your highs will be very high and your lows very low. As the ride progresses the ups and downs will not be as drastic, it will begin to level out and you will start to feel better. It just takes a little time.

Life is good. The JW's try to prove the existence of god by saying how beautiful this planet is with all the birds and plants and incredible scenery. They point to the beautiful seasons and the joyful playing of young animals to make that point. Then in the same breath they talk about how ugly and terrible a place the earth is and how wicked our existence is on this planet. They simply do not make sense.

Just keep your mind open and know that someday it will all make sense to you. You have a lot of time to sit back and watch everything unfold. Once you have seen that, everything will start to look better. Now you know how little kids feel when they finally figure out there really isn't a Santa Clause.

Keep your chin up and try to find the humor in it all. Once you can laugh at yourself for believing the talking snake, naked lady and piece of fruit story you will be just fine. You did not convince yourself of all this bull, someone else convinced you of it. Now you need to start listening to yourself. It's a freedom and happiness you have never felt before.

Sit back and enjoy the ride to reality land, you will be a better person because of it all.

Take care,

Dave

waiting

howdy flower,

It gets better, and it doesn't take that long....really. The best thing - keep reading, educating yourself. Find someone in real life you can talk bluntly to - even if it's a priest or someone.

And keep coming here - or some other forums - to chat with people who know exactly how you feel. We've been there, know all the feelings.

Someone coined the expression "SMACK!!!" As when we finally realize what we've done to ourselves and smack our foreheads "How could I have been that stupid!!!!!"

But most here get to the point of a chuckle of sorts - and say, "Yeah, I was that stupid."

Good to have so much company, eh? Hang in there.

waiting

unclebruce

Hello flower,

I understand your pain. You have some good friends here and on the practical side i really like what Lilacs had to say. Before you can start to heal you need to stop the wound from reopening all the time.

To move into a place of your own is a very bold and scarey thing. I would start thinking seriously about it and carefully planning for the day you move away. Even the act of planning your independance should set your mind into repair mode. Unfortunately healing of your spirit, or whatever you chose to label it, will require putting some time and space betweeen yourself and the prime source of your hurt.

I don't know where you live and i'm not asking flower but I wonder if there is anyone nearby who can give you some practical help off line.

As far as tears go, they come with the territory and it's going to take a lot more to wash away your sorrow. ((((hug))))

very best wishes, unclebruce

flower

i know i need to move but i wouldnt be here if i could afford to live elsewhere. i moved back in a year ago because the cost of daycare is so expensive i cant afford rent and daycare. my mom was my sitter until she lost her sight. i guess i'm going to have to go ahead and get a place and just be broke and behind on bills all the time. i dont know :(

wasasister

Flower:
Hi, nice to meet you. I'm older than you, so I spent more time believing with all my heart in the "New World just around the corner" and the other promises which I found recently to be complely empty.

At about the same time, I began to look at other things in my life from an objective standpoint; I was forced to realize my 25 year marriage was also a sham. How on earth could I manage to live on one income, give up ALL my friends, get a divorce, and somehow survive?

It took much planning, hard work, and some help from my wonderful sister and her husband, but I made it. I now support myself, live in a decent home, and am happily divorced. My one Witness daughter continues to associate with me, our relationship improving notably over the last year or so.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is this: things that look hopeless at this time might not look so hopeless later. Don't go jumping into anything you're not ready for, but start making plans. Take classes if you can, work out a manageable budget, apply for goverment assistance with daycare if available. Sometimes, just the planning can bring you comfort.

I didn't cry when I read Ray's book. I got angry, and with the anger came conviction.

I wish you the very best in your efforts. If you would like, feel free to e-mail me at: [email protected]. I have a daughter almost your age.

Warmest affection and kind wishes,
Wasasister

how do you stop crying......

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