Interfaith marraiges and children

by garyneal 31 Replies latest social family

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  garyneal

  I just wanted to share this story with everyone:

  Last weekend on Saturday, my wife found out that field service was not being cancelled due to snow. All week prior to Saturday, my wife kept saying that she was going to swim classes with my daughter and I and actually swim with my daughter that morning. That plan got cancelled as she decided to go out in service instead. I took my daughter to the swim class and she and I swam together and had a good time.

  My wife comes home and later while we were washing clothes she asks my daughter if she wants to go to the hall with her tomorrow (Sunday). Initially she says yes. Sunday morning, I was fixing breakfast and my daughter was in the kitchen with me. I ask her if she is going to the hall with her mommy, she says no. Then I just casually say, "Well after breakfast, Daddy is heading to church." "I want to go!" she exclaims. "Well, okay but first we got to eat."

  I go upstairs to the bedroom and find my wife getting ready. She looks visibly upset and I felt so bad. I kind of knew why but I asked anyway if she was okay and if there is anything I can do for her. Nothing, so I tell her how much I love her and tell her that I really want for us to do something special after we all get back home.

  Feeling so bad about the incident, I ask my daughter again, "Are you sure you do not want to go to the Kingdom Hall with mommy? I think she really wants you to go with her." "Well, I will go if you want me to but I really don't want to go," she says. My wife just says, "I guess I can't compete with singing, dancing, and playgrounds." I did not know what to say. I know how she felt as I remember going to my parents house alone on Thanksgiving because my wife is no longer celebrating and my daughter decided to stay at her grandma's house because she was having so much fun there.

  I really wish there was some middle ground we can come to. We did go out of town later Sunday evening and had an enjoyable time, but still, I am trying to make the best of an otherwise not so good situation.

  Today (Monday), I ask my wife if we can find some fun things to do together as a family. Her reply is that she is so busy with work, school, and Kingdom Hall activities. It bothered me a bit and I said, "You are not willing to make time for your family? For me?" She said, "The things I want us to do together as a family you do not want to do." (Read: become a JW and worship the faithful slave)

  She said this earlier on Saturday or Sunday too and I responded with, "If you're saying I am not spiritual then how do you explain my reading the Bible and going to church? Even if I wanted to go door to door with you, I would not be allowed due to the whole 'interfaith' thing."

  Today (Monday) I simply said, "Look, we are not the ONLY family where one spouse is a witness and the other is 'worldly.' I envy you in that you can go to the hall and meet other witnesses in the same situation as you. The 'worldlies' are spread out in different churches or in no church at all. Maybe we can have a get together where you can invite the witnesses and their 'worldly' spouses to our house for games and what-not. Believe you me, if I can organize the 'worldly' people in our area I would." I also said, "Look, life has handed us a lemon. For as much as you want us to go to the same church together, I want that too. However, you are a witness and after examining the teachings of that religion, I cannot in good concious become a witness. I had to accept months ago that we would not be that family who goes to church together like I dreamed of when I was single. Therefore we need to start making some lemonade honey."

  I also told her that according to evangelical Christians, I should not even be attending any meetings or assemblies with her because I would be (according to them) "partaking from the table of demons." "However, I do not feel that my attending a meeting every once in a while and an assembly will cause demons to inhabit my body just as I feel that if you should ever decide to go to church no demons will invade yours."

  I'm sure it all went in one ear and out the other as I heard the brothers talking with her early Saturday afternoon as they were going over the second part of the questions she needs to answer for baptism. The part about her attending church is akin to her 'partaking from the table of demons.'
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  garyneal

  Oh, and thanks for allowing me to let this out. I am heading to bed now.
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  carla

  You handled it all beautifully and very lovingly! Kudos to you! She has a prize in you and one day she will realize it even if she cannot vocalize it due to all the jw rules.

  In re: to your child, please, please continue to offer her the choice of a church that allows children to be children and continue planning fun activities with her even if mom chooses to put the kh first. I know your jw can make you feel bad and guilty for having fun while she is 'slaving' away for the slave but your daughters well being has to come first. Protect her from the cult as much as possible. Teach her critical thinking skills. (do not let the wife guilt you into things that could be detrimental to your child. I know from experience how awful kids feel when they realize their jw parent has chosen the kh and jw activities over them, it is heart breaking to watch and all you can do is try to make up for the loss for them but you really never can. Your wife is in for some heartache of her own down the road and it will be of her own making. All you can do then is hope they can learn what grace means and how to forgive themselves instead of justifying. The kids may forgive but they will never forget and they will always carry those little hurts with them and the knowledge that jw mom/dad has chosen a man made org over them)

  Should the worst ever happen you will have proven to be a loving, hands on dad and that will go a long way with the courts. Not to say that is why you are an involved dad, not at all, just saying.... As far as the courts go it can also be important that you have a church of your own and have involved your child when possible. If not the courts can say that the child is already so entrenched in the jw's it would be in the child's best interest to have the jw's as their 'religion'.

  I think you are handling things just great under the circumstances! She's a lucky lady.
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  bulgogiboy

  Wow this is a really interesting post. I was raised in a divided household, with my Mum being a jw and my Dad being an agnostic/indifferent Christian. I eventually started going along to meetings properly at about the age of 18. It's really commendable how you're trying to make an effort to accomodate her jehooberish shenanigans. There is so much room for division, I hope you can keep it all together... First of all, I think your daughter is going to continue to choose your church over the kingdom hall, as I know from personal experience that attending a KH is far from inspirational/spiritual for the average child, in fact its the most mundane, grey and dull place a child could ever end up in in a Sunday morning.Maybe you could point out that expecting small children to sit silent and still and listen to monotone Biblical sermons for up to 2 hours or more is an unreasonable expectation and that its only natural your daughter will choose a place with more activity going on. Is there another option where your daughter can go to a friend's/aunt/uncle's house to play instead of attending a religious ceremony? She isnt going to attend your meetings, and she isnt going to sit down and read your literature(if you have any). This is the great jw double standard:'keep an open mind, be open to new spiritual experiences, and question your religious convictions/leaders UNLESS you are a jw'. Frankly I fear for your future together, as I saw how my Mum's smug pigheaded and selfish fundamentalist attitude eroded away my Dad's liberalism and tolerance to the point where he despised all things jw. You should hang in there for a year or so, keep showing patience and trying to plant seeds of reason in her mind, but if she is still full-on jehovahist after that, and still selfishly devoting all her time to distributing magazines and comparing clothing at the KH, then I would seriously consider divorce. Better sooner than later.
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  bulgogiboy

  By the way, when I wrote: "She isnt going to attend your meetings, and she isnt going to sit down and read your literature(if you have any)", I was talking about your wife, not your daughter .
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  dgp

  Gary, fellow unbeliever, there is little I can add to what other people said. I think you have handled this admirably. I also think you have a far better grasp of your situation than you had when you first came here. Yet, you have used that in a loving way. I commend you on that.
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  Balsam

  The hard thing is your wife is confinced she is right because that is what the JW's taught her. Challenging her concepts, especially challenging the words like "Unbeliever", or "Worldly Person", you need to point out to your wife those are words used to try and put a division between JW's and other Christians or people of other faiths. You need to let her know that she is never to refer to you as an unbeliever or a worldly person to your children ever. It makes anyone they make that comment about to be something less important or acceptable to God. They are not representing God exclusively except in their own perception which does not make it correct.

  Garyneal you handled your wife very well, keep her challenged. Never ever force your daughter to go to the JW meetings and your wife should never be allowed to make comments about people calling them worldly people, that is insulting and rude. Love your wife unconditionally and if she doesn't share in activities with you and your daughter let her know what she missed. The witnesses love to say that Jesus came to cause division of father against son, mother against daughter etc., (Matthew 10:32-38) like that is something to be expected in being a Christian.

  Matthew 10:32-38 (New International Version)

  32 "Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. 33 But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.

  34 "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to turn
  " 'a man against his father,
  a daughter against her mother,
  a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law -
  36 a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.

  37 "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; 38 and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.

  Something JW never mention is that down in Matt 10:40 it shows that the above scriptures refered to rejection of Jesus as the spokesman from God. That was the only condition to accept Jesus as a Prophet of God and his followers who preached about it. It does not say anything about an organization speaking out for Jesus.
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  GLTirebiter

  Gary, you're a braver man than I! In my doomed attempt to maintain the peace I never went to "my" church (except for family funerals), and I tried to never say anything about the WT. In hindsight, I wish I had the backbone you're showing. As a good example for the kids, if nothing else.

  Your wife said it herself: "she is so busy with work, school, and Kingdom Hall activities" that there's no time for her real family, but notice there's always time for her Watchtower family. "Service" was more important than keeping her promise and going to the pool with your daughter. Sad to say, it seems like she's in deep (and no doubt trying extra-hard because her baptism quiz is coming up).

  I don't have any magic solution to this; God knows I could have used one myself. You're coping amazingly well in the Catch-22 world of the Witnesses. Keep up the good work: continue loving your family, and remember the poison comes from the organization--not the person inside.

  GLT
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  garyneal

  I spoke with my mom earlier today (Tuesday) about this very thing and she and I both agreed that it seems like my wife is trying to make me feel guilty (whether intentionally or not) because I chose not to become a Jehovah's Witness. It is hypocritical on her part to say that we can't be a 'spiritual' family because 'I don't want to do the things she wants to do' while simultaneously refusing to attend church with me even when I invite her.

  But to be fair, I have to admit that for a few years prior to all of this she has been a very remarkable woman who I unfortunately took for granted. A part of me wishes I could turn back the hands of time and have been more loving and forgiving of some of her ways as I am learning to be now. For all I know, she may have not have decided to return to the Watchtower. I have stated before that there have been times that even she has doubted the very existence of God and sometimes feels that He was a bit egotistical to create people for the sole purpose of worshipping Him. Oh well, water under the bridge I guess.

  Thanks for your responses everyone.

  carla: I see that you were the unbelieving spouse in your marraige. Is your marraige still intact? I apologize if you have already answered this elsewhere.

  bulgogiboy: I am still holding out hope that things will work out. She has two aunts who are witnesses and married to non-believers and they've been married for a long time and show no signs of splitting up. Everyone is different but this does provide for some hope.

  dgp: Thanks. Since you are on the outside as your involvement with the witnesses concerns a friend of yours who (if I am correct) you at one time had feelings for, you are in a very good zone for learning about and observing them. I have an old friend who was a witness when I met her and is now out along with her boyfriend who was a regular pioneer. How are things going between you and your friend?

  Balsam: You truly are a blessing on this site. I will keep your suggestions in mind for I do recall at one time finding the terms 'unbeliever' and 'worldly' to be very offensive. Personally, the witnesses find themselves thinking to be persecuted when in reality they are just being judged in the same manner that they've judged others. Something Jesus warned us about.

  GL Tirebiter: I take it things did not work out for you in your situation. I am sorry to hear that. How are things going for you now and to what extent is your current involvement with the witnesses?
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  bulgogiboy

  Best of luck, I know I came across as pretty pessimistic but that just comes from my own personal experience. Your situation may well be totally different, and I hope it is .