Did you start out as a "Reformer"?
The Organization isn't a sinking ship, it's just a ship with bad food, uncomfortable beds, no lifeboats, corrupt crew, stupid rules plus it's sailing in the wrong direction. You could try to fix all that during your cruise, but disembarking at the next port and flying home makes much more sense.
In the area of higher education there was a degree of reform in the 90s, but in 2005 or so that was turned around again and the society began taking an even harder stance against it.
I suspect, though I could be wrong, that the reason the old H2O board died is because it was reformist rather than apostate.
'I feel like I'm on a fast track to DF though. I can barely stand the meetings and can hardly keep my disdain from bursting out whenever I'm around any of the people from the KH'.
I am in a very similiar position, if not worse. Already I am expressing my views to friends and family. My wife says all I ever do is say negative things about the society. I often tell JW friends about where the society are wrong. I have sensed for some time now that the elders view me with suspicion, and some very obviously body swerve me at the hall. I believe things will be coming to a head soon, but am now at a stage where I just dont care any more. I will probably end up fading again for my own state of mind and to avoid the heartache of being DF'd if possible.
How on earth did I ever manage to get mixed up in this mind controlling group!!!!
The French tried to reform it's monarchy form of government and they needed to use the guillotine to get the job done. I am afraid taht the WT leaders will hang on to their power to the bitter end. The world has never seen a group of religious followers so happy to take it up the keester as the JW's who inhabit the local KH.
In my talks and in my comments I gradually directed attention to Jesus' sacrifice and undeserved kindness. It became noticable because one of the elders kept mentioning to me how I tended not to speak about Jehovah as much. I reminded him that Jesus said "That anyone who sees me sees the father" and that if I highlited Jesus I was really informing about the personality of Jehovah because he was the image of the invisible God. He silently agreed that it was ok. Twit. Now I say, "don't get sucked in by Jesus or Jehovah. People sell God like big Macs. If you want God, go pray to him and keep your mouth shut at my door." Of the I've had enough class; W.Once
As soon as I found out it was not the truth I started out as a "Piss Offer"<>
I knew I couldn't play there game and so I came at them with fangs, I realize now I should have just faded but that's water under the bridge now.
I was just thinking about this today. I have started to question, how could the WTBS be God's channel, and make so many mistakes, revisions, and errors in judgement? And then I thought of the Israelites who had not just one, but several Kings that lead them astray. Perhaps this is a time for sifting, and Jehovah is allowing this room for error to display what people's true heart conditions are. A strange way of testing, I know.
I wonder if the angst that we feel, those of us who are "out/in" might be what the Israelites felt like when they had a King who lead them to abandon their covenent with Jehovah. Technically, they were still his chosen people, yet the leadership was going down a bad path. There have always been pockets of Israelites who kept to what they knew was right. How do you think they felt about it? They had to do what they thought was right for themselves and their families, while at the same time being witness to leadership that clearly did not have their best interests foremost in mind.
I had a conversation with a catholic theologian today about my struggle to balance my mental and emotional well being with being in a spiritually restrictive environment. She said, "maybe you are the teacher. maybe you are the reformer." My response was: "reform comes from the top down, not the bottom up in this group."
I have to admit, that I have been much more prayerful these last few months than I have in many years. At the same time, I realize, that it was a big mistake for me to be baptized at the age of 16 under such duress. I am sure now, that my struggles with depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation all have their roots right there. If I had it to do over again, I would choose not to be baptized, but to be an interested observer of the faith. Simply admitting this, has really allowed me the breathing room to see, how I can manage to figure out my own theology and how to interact with my faith without causing alarm to my friends and family by abruptly disassociating myself altogether.
Maybe, the place of those of us who struggle, is to come through the other side and comfort others who struggle and help them find the good ~ display our christ-like personality as we have come to know him: compassionate, generous, kind, forgiving, nurturing, supportive.