I was just thinking about this today. I have started to question, how could the WTBS be God's channel, and make so many mistakes, revisions, and errors in judgement? And then I thought of the Israelites who had not just one, but several Kings that lead them astray. Perhaps this is a time for sifting, and Jehovah is allowing this room for error to display what people's true heart conditions are. A strange way of testing, I know.
I wonder if the angst that we feel, those of us who are "out/in" might be what the Israelites felt like when they had a King who lead them to abandon their covenent with Jehovah. Technically, they were still his chosen people, yet the leadership was going down a bad path. There have always been pockets of Israelites who kept to what they knew was right. How do you think they felt about it? They had to do what they thought was right for themselves and their families, while at the same time being witness to leadership that clearly did not have their best interests foremost in mind.
I had a conversation with a catholic theologian today about my struggle to balance my mental and emotional well being with being in a spiritually restrictive environment. She said, "maybe you are the teacher. maybe you are the reformer." My response was: "reform comes from the top down, not the bottom up in this group."
I have to admit, that I have been much more prayerful these last few months than I have in many years. At the same time, I realize, that it was a big mistake for me to be baptized at the age of 16 under such duress. I am sure now, that my struggles with depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation all have their roots right there. If I had it to do over again, I would choose not to be baptized, but to be an interested observer of the faith. Simply admitting this, has really allowed me the breathing room to see, how I can manage to figure out my own theology and how to interact with my faith without causing alarm to my friends and family by abruptly disassociating myself altogether.
Maybe, the place of those of us who struggle, is to come through the other side and comfort others who struggle and help them find the good ~ display our christ-like personality as we have come to know him: compassionate, generous, kind, forgiving, nurturing, supportive.