by babygirl30 14 Replies latest jw experiences
Forget the girlfriend, warn the poor schmuck of a boyfriend.
As you pointed out, your friend knows the consequences of her actions. The boyfriend, in all likelihood, doesn't have a clue about what's involved in a future with a dub.
If she really cares about this guy, she needs to make up her mind. Either leave the dubs and have an honest relationship with the boyfriend, or stay in bondage and release the guy. He doesn't deserve this.
It's normal for you to feel guilty due to residual cult conditioning, but you may be saving your friend from a lot of heartache. Without the option of dating a "worldly" man, she may have to stay single or evn worse, may settle on a jw man who isn't right for her.
I would go even further and make sure she understands that if she marries a "worldly" man that it would be difficult to return to the cult. Hopefully she'll get out, stay out and be free of mind control.
As to the worldly man, if he knows she's a witness, he's likely to really love her. First, she's not that young anymore. Second, the witnesses have the reputation of "not being the kind of people you would want to date", which means that, if he overcame that resistance, he very well could be interested in a serious relationship.
From my worldly perspective, I understand your guilt, but I wouldn't share it. You are betting on her happiness, you know?
I don't think you're feeling "guilty" about telling her the truth about the truth. I think you don't want to be the one to sway her; and I agree with you. You want her to come to the knowledge and realization of the falsehood by herself. And that's as it should be. I do the same with my daughter who's still "in" but mostly for appearences. If she brings things up and asks questions, I answer, otherwise, I leave things alone. I think that it in the long run, if she ever makes a clean break, it will be for her own reasons, not mine, and in her own way and time, not mine.
As for your friend, I think her biggest problem is that at the age of 38 she's still dependant on her mother. She needs to get some skills and a good job and move on with her life. The way you describe her, she sounds like she's emotionally stunted as well (probably from being raised a witness). Perhaps seeing a counselor would be a good idea for her.
:)
If she really cares about this guy, she needs to make up her mind. Either leave the dubs and have an honest relationship with the boyfriend, or stay in bondage and release the guy. He doesn't deserve this.
Amen, Parakeet!
Having been in his shoes, I know it's a really difficult situation. Even if they agree to respect each others' beliefs, there still will be conflict between the WT teachings and the relationship. In the organization's view, she must bring him into the congregation if they are to be married, and maintaining the relationship while not being married is out of the question. If the lady's mother does turn her in to the elders, the BOE will likely force her to choose between the Witnesses and the boyfriend as soon as they can round up a lynch mob judicial council.
Babygirl's friend really needs to talk this situation out with her boyfriend, if she hasn't done that already (I hope she has!). Unless he's had first-hand experience with the Witnesses, shunning, etc. he probably has no clue how intense this will be. They need to face it together, or it could split their relationship apart. Not being up front with the WT situation will undermine their trust and respect for each other, and loss of trust and respect sucks the life out of a relationship. Consider the usual cult tactics; they're all about killing trust and respect for outsiders and imperfect insiders: that's how they control you!
I suggest they should read the articles on Freeminds.org, together. Especially those on shunning, women's issues and marriage.
Babygirl, what you're feeling is the aftermath of the emotional bullying you knew in the WT organization, as many others have said. Don't feel guilty about talking to your friend and helping her out. That's what real friends do for each other!
Keep being good to each other. In the end, that's what matters the most.
GLT
