Doubt No2 – Shunning and Being Judgemental and Breaking up Families.
The third part of my story demonstrates what a cult personality can do to someone who is a relatively intelligent and generally a quite caring individual. This is about two individuals who were treated quite shabbily by me because of my own supercilious self righteous attitude, An attitude I despise in others but was blind to in myself. It also describes the subsequent realisation of this when I saw a close friend behaving in a similar way with his daughter.
I have mentioned in part 1 that I developed a very close friendship with a brother in my childhood congregation. I spent much of my youth round his house, we had way too much in common, we went on hiking holidays together and he was my best man at our wedding and I was his when he married a few years later. To be honest he was more a brother to me than my own genetic brother. We should have been friends for life. I will call him Jerry.
Jerry started courting Jenny a couple of years after nugget and I were married. Jenny appeared to quite introverted and although quite humorous seemed quite rigid in comparison to Jerry’s very laid back attitude to life. The romance between Jerry and Jenny progressed very quickly and they were soon engaged. To start with the four of us would see a fair bit of each other even going on holiday together. But within months things changed. We seemed to do less and less together. When we were together conversation seemed somewhat stunted, Jerry was definitely less open than the guy I grew up with. Jerry and Jenny were also started taking a lot of holidays abroad together, which in itself isn’t unusual but I knew Jerry well enough that he was happier climbing up a misty rain soaked mountain in Wales, than on a beach in the Canaries. But the Mediterranean beach holidays were what they were off too.
Nugget and I assumed that they were building a new life together and we were not as integral to that life as we had been before Jerry was married. Life moves on and people change. In addition we were in different circuits and it seemed whereas I was reaching out in the Congregation he was content to do as little as necessary. I would phone him occasionally and have conversations but felt that what we had was now gone, I wanted to associate with people who had a zeal for the “truth” not with those who were spiritually weak.
In the 8 years that followed their wedding my association with had dwindled to about 2 or 3 visits a year. In September 2001 I received a phone call from Jerry telling me that he and Jenny were divorcing, they had a miserable marriage more or less from day one. They had tried so often to make it work, taking the holidays to try and work things out. The Elders in their congregation had tried to help them but just made things worse by taking sides. He told me that he had had an affair with a colleague at work and was about to start living with her. His Judicial Committee meeting was to be that that night and he would be disfellowshipped. I listened said I hoped he would be happy, but he had made his decision to leave Jehovah and that this would be the last time we would talk unless he came back in the truth. I felt really sad, I had lost a friend, but it was his fault not mine.
I didn’t consider that he was trying to find happiness for the first time after nearly a decade of misery. It never occurred to me that I could now rekindle a friendship from someone who was always going to be loyal to me, someone who even after I shunned him kept the photos of our holidays together and resolved that he would always be there for me if needed. But I wasn’t there for him when he was in turmoil, I was more concerned that he wasn’t going to all the meetings and was not out in field service.
The second example concerned the youngest son of the Smith family, mentioned in part 2. Here I was partly responsible for breaking a family in order to ensure the congregation was kept clean.
As previously mentioned the Smiths were “new in the Truth” TM when Nugget and I joined this congregation. The youngest son got baptised at quite a young age. By the time he was in his late teens his meeting attendance was extremely poor and although he was still living with his parents it was well known that he had faded. In his early 20’s he started dating a “worldly” girl and had moved out of his parents home. I was a relatively new elder and he was in my group. By this time Roy was in his late 80’s and so I felt it was my responsibility to Shepherd hound this chap.
I raised at an Elder’s meeting that this young man was still a baptised brother and we needed to know whether he is living an immoral life. My reasoning inactive publisher + worldly girl must = Sexual Relations. This was my opportunity to be seen as a morally upright person, following theocratic direction, and to protect his family from an immoral influence.
We asked his parents what there views were and they agreed they would talk to him. He was adamant with his parents that he wasn’t leading an immoral life, in fact his girlfriend was Christian and had taken a vow of chastity with him in her Church. Unfortunately he was so unaware of the seriousness of what he had just admitted and his parents didn’t realise the implication when they spoke to us. They were just delighted that he hadn’t been having sex.
Of course taking a vow in a church is classed as disassociation by your actions. We wanted to meet with young brother Smith as a matter of urgency. We left numerous voice mails on both his home phone and mobile and he didn’t answer them. I saw this as a rebellious spirit.
Mike and I decided that we would find out where he lived and visit him. He had moved to completely different area but we were new elders and determined to get our man. We confronted Bro Smith on his doorstep after establishing where his house was and waiting outside long enough to ensure that he was in. There was no evidence of a girlfriend, but that didn’t matter we had a case of apostacy. When we asked about the confession he made to his mum, he freely admitted it. He didn’t go to church but respected her faith and therefore was willing to undertake this vow. He didn’t have a problem with anything he had done. I then asked the killer question – would he do it again? He said he would have no problem with attending a church and taking part in a service.
We pointed out that he was not getting out of Babylon the Great and was despising the table of Jehovah by his actions? He argued that was reading too much into what he had done. A few scriptures later and some choice words from Mike and myself showed him the error of his ways.
He admitted he had taken a wrong course wrong course of action. But that wasn’t enough, he had to demonstrate that he was truly repentant and what better way could there be than by breaking up with his girlfriend and coming back to meetings.
Strangely enough his response to this was a resounding “No”. He would rather be DF’d/DA’d than stop seeing the girl he loved. Mike and I walked away feeling sad at this brothers poor attitude. But it was his decision.
Bro Mr. Smith was announced as no longer being one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. His family shun him and he has had to rebuild his life without the support of his mum, dad or siblings. By following theocratic direction I was instrumental of breaking up a previously close loving family.
The final example in this section concerns Mike and his daughter. This woke me up to how unloving the disfellowshipping policy was and how unreasonable I been with my own best friend and Bro Smith and his family.
Mike’s daughter married a young brother, unlike Jerry and Jenny they were happily married for many years. He is a really nice guy but, not exactly the hardest working person in the world. He is also a bit of a caveman when it comes to headship. He is head of the house and she does all the domestic chores. When he comes home from work she is expected to wait on him hand and foot. When he was working and she was a housewife this worked well. Then something changed, they had a couple of kids. She could no longer cater for his every whim, because she was fatigued after caring for two toddlers. He wasn’t particularly sensitive to this and became pretty much completely unreasonable. As far as he was concerned he was still going out to work and she was still keeping home and should dote on him when he gets in. The situation got to the stage where she walked out him, it was easier living on her own with the kids than living with him, she felt it was like living with three kids and she wasn’t willing to deal with that.
What she needed was help, but the congregations attitude was that she left him, bad wife. He is a MS and pretty much is seen as the victim. Eventually the pressure became too much for her and she went off the rails completely and ended up having a couple of affairs, which she confessed to. She was told to demonstrate her repentance she should go back to her husband. She couldn’t do that so she was disfellowshipped.
Mike totally disowned her from that point on. He won’t talk to her, has written her out of his will, and removed her number from his and his wife’s mobile. All communication and contact with the grandchildren is conducted by means of the ex husband. She is being treated as if she is the most vile person on earth. Her ex can do no wrong. I like them both and won’t judge who was is in the right or wrong, IMO it is 50:50, a marriage that is never going to work now that kids are involved. But a single parent, with two small kids needs her mum and dad more than ever to shun her now is completely amoral.
We are always being reminded that Jehovah is the personification of love. Jesus message was one of love. How can the shunning of friends and family be reflecting that love? Should love be conditional? What right do Elders have to make decisions that tear families apart, when in fact there role should be to loving care for the congregation?
So reason number 2 for me leaving the “truth” is because I disagree with the policy of shunning.
BTW – I have re-contacted Jerry and he and his new wife are going to have meal together in a couple of weeks. He has forgiven me, and I am never going to allow anything to come between me an a friend.
It was pointed out to him that his actions aligned him with Babylonish religion, and he was in effect despising the table of Jehovah. He couldn’t see the issue, so we showed him some scriptures and pointed out that he had made a big mistake in Jehovah’s eyes. He told us he could see that now and was very sorry.
We stated that we were looking for signs of true repentance and that an excellent demonstration of repentance would be to return to meetings and dump his girlfriend.
To our shock and surprise he told us that he would rather be DF’d or DA and take the consequences rather than give up the girl who he loved very dearly.
An announcement was made shortly afterward that Bro Mr. Smith is no longer a Jehovah’s Witness. Since then he has been shunned by his Mother, Father and siblings and has to start his married life without their help and support. A close and loving family split up. But of course it is his fault for displaying such a stubborn attitude.
The Final example in this section concerns Mikes own daughter. Her name for the purposes of this account is Pat. She married a really lovely guy, Steve from a neighbouring congregation about 10 years ago. Steve and Pat got on really well. They lived pretty much a JW ideal life. He went out to work she stayed at home did the housework and doted on him when he came in at night. This continued for 7 years and then something changed, they had two kids in quick succession.
The problem was Steve couldn’t see why, with 2 toddlers to look after, Pat was no longer so attentive to him. She started to suffer from something called tiredness, and this prevented her from being as subservient. She tried her best to be the perfect wife but couldn’t. He did nothing around the house to help, but then why should he? That’s her job. He was bringing in the cash and was a MS in the congregation. Eventually so she left him. In her mind take the 2 kids and leave the third kid to fend for himself.
Unfortunately she was seen by most of the congregation as a bad wife, and was pretty much outcast for it. In the end she went of the rails and had a couple of affairs, which she confessed to.
In the JC she was truly repentant, but had to demonstrate this by returning to her husband. She didn’t want and was disfellowshipped.
So we have a single mum, with two small children, living on her own, racked with guilt, needing help and support more than ever. After all she was just getting out of marriage that wasn’t working for her. Her father a good friend of mine provided this upport by disowning her. Write her out of his will, removes her phone numbers form his and his wife’s mobile phone and only contacts her children through the ex-husband.
I could see the injustice and wanted to scream at Mike. I have tried to reason with him, but as he tells me it is her choice.
We are told that Jehovah is the personification of love and that Jesus is a prefect reflection of the love.
Would Jesus abandon someone in their time of most need?
Would he allow rules to split up a close and family?
Can you imagine Jesus judging a lifelong friend because they no longer do 10 hours in field service or miss meetings?
Can you see him breaking that friendship because his friend decides the only way out of an unhappy situation is to leave the cause of his misery?
The second reason for me leaving the “Truth” is because it breaks up families and friends and promotes an unchristian culture of Judging the spiritual motivations of fellow members.
The excuse of keeping the congregation clean falls apart when you see the misery that is left in the wake of Judicial Decisions.
